reflections

I feel like an old lady. I'm tired all the time and my shoulder is really hurting. So is my wrist. All I can think about is that the cancer is in my bones. The only thing keeping me sane right now is that I got my tumor marker results today and they are still within normal range! Which is really good news because I have a scan coming up and I hope that means that I'll get good results. I hate this whole process though. I get a scan, I wait for news, I get treatment and then I get a scan again. This really shouldn't be anyone's life. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop; for the moment when they tell me it's back and I have to change treatments.  Last week the nurse also had a hard time trying to draw labs after accessing my port. I don't know if it was because she felt flustered because she got really busy all of a sudden or if my port was starting to clog up. Sometimes I think it's the position of the needle. If they push it in too far, sometimes it'...

I was sick for almost a week. First Cruz and then me. I had the biggest headache for 2 days that made it even worse. It finally went away after I took a nap yesterday. I hate headaches. It always makes me think I have a brain tumor which is what happened Friday night. My headache was so bad that I was sure I had a brain tumor and that if I fell asleep I would die. So, I stayed awake as long as I could. I fought off sleep until my body was so exhausted I passed out. I haven't had a brain MRI in awhile and sometimes I think I should request one from my oncologist but I'm scared. I want to know but I don't want to know. I think I'm fine but I don't know for sure. My situation could change in the blink of an eye and that's scary to think about. My liver has also been hurting again. And my shoulder. I feel like one of those old people that has like 100 ailments and I'm only in my 30's. This isn't supposed to be happening....but it is. Next, I'll be ob...

Have you ever had that feeling like you don't belong? That's the way I'm feeling now. I've always been a shy person. I'm more of an introvert but when you get to know me, you realize that I'm not too quiet. All through elementary, junior high and high school I was pretty quiet and rarely talked but I did have a few close friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. I'm definitely more open now than in the past. I'm sure they would agree. To those few friends, I want to say thank you for sticking by me. When I went to college I was definitely even more open but I definitely wasn't the "partier" of the school. I wanted that experience and I managed to go through some crazy things with the friends I did have in college but once again I wasn't considered one of the most outgoing and popular kids on campus. I made a few friends in nursing school but the ones I considered close friends quickly faded away. I understand that life happen...

It's officially Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. Before cancer, this was just another day for me and now I'm part of it. Kind of surreal. I never thought the words "I have cancer" would ever come out of my mouth but they did. And I don't just have cancer, I have metastatic cancer. The incurable kind. I think that's the one part that most people don't understand and I don't mind talking about it either. In fact I would prefer for people to ask about it because then I feel like I'm educating them about something that isn't really talked about. I know more about metastatic breast cancer than I would like but this is the life that has been chosen for me so I have to just go with the flow for now.   I just wish I didn't have so many things to worry about right now. Cancer has changed my life in so many ways and sometimes it is a lot to handle. I am not any stronger because of it. I am just me and I'm sure you feel like you wouldn...

I feel exhausted. It's like I can never catch up on rest no matter what I do. After work I am so tired that I spend most of the evening trying not to fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep during the night. It doesn't work. I still end up waking up at least 3 times during the night and then I have to get up and go to work. My days off are spent going to doctors appointments, running errands and being a mom. Being a mom is the never-ending full time job. I love being a mom and despite being tired I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also love being a nurse but to be honest I just don't feel supported at work. I'm feeling pressured. I don't like the politics of my workplace and I don't like feeling like I'm not allowed to be sick. I know that I look healthy but I AM NOT! I don't think they'll ever understand this concept until I look sick. They just want to work me for all they can get out of me. At the beginning of my diagnosis they were good t...