reflections

Do you ever wonder who will remember you when you die? Or who will even care that you're gone? Obviously my family will care and they'll be sad but sometimes I wonder if anyone else would even care if I died. What will people remember me for? Will they even remember me? Or would I just become "that girl that died from cancer". I know, doesn't sound like a very happy topic but these are the kinds of things you think about when you're smacked in the face with this stupid diagnosis. I'm even thinking about starting to put away money for my funeral so that I'm not a burden when I'm gone. I'm not even completely sure if I want to be buried or cremated. So far, cremation is winning. It's cheaper and it's not like very many people will visit my grave 100 years from now. But then, where will my ashes go? So many things to sort out and it sucks that this could happen sooner rather than later. Maybe I'm just thinking too much because I have...

Definitely a bad day today but hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Sleep would help. Oh yeah, and good news. My life is spent waiting so, it's getting a little old. I just need to know. Yes or no. Please God, let it be a yes. 

I feel like an old lady. I'm tired all the time and my shoulder is really hurting. So is my wrist. All I can think about is that the cancer is in my bones. The only thing keeping me sane right now is that I got my tumor marker results today and they are still within normal range! Which is really good news because I have a scan coming up and I hope that means that I'll get good results. I hate this whole process though. I get a scan, I wait for news, I get treatment and then I get a scan again. This really shouldn't be anyone's life. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop; for the moment when they tell me it's back and I have to change treatments.  Last week the nurse also had a hard time trying to draw labs after accessing my port. I don't know if it was because she felt flustered because she got really busy all of a sudden or if my port was starting to clog up. Sometimes I think it's the position of the needle. If they push it in too far, sometimes it'...

I'm giving all of you a homework assignment. Girls check your boobs the next time you're in the shower or make that yearly doctors appointment. If you're over 40 go get that mammogram. (I still think they should lower the age for mammograms cuz I wasn't even close to 40 when I was diagnosed). Men, go check out your wife/girlfriends boobs (you know you like to do it anyway). Or encourage them to make that appointment with their doctor. Better to catch it early. Thank you and I'll update you soon. Love, Catalina