reflections

I think my wish to have a good, decent birthday has finally come true. Even though I had to work it was still okay. My co-workers got me a cake, flowers, balloon and a gift card to get my favorite thing: coffee! I'm addicted to coffee. It's my top vice and I'm okay with that. I also went out to dinner with my favorite little man and my niece where I got to wear a big sombrero while the staff sang happy birthday to me. I got to drink my favorite margarita and later on that evening went out for a beer with a friend. And yesterday I went out to dinner with more good friends and the celebration will continue at the end of the week. So far, good birthday. To top it off I had a patient who thought I was 23! It's always nice when people think I'm younger. Most people don't believe I'm in my 30's. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm in my 30's. It's kind of funny to think that here I am trying not to die young but also worrying about getting ol...

I think I've kind of lost count with how many PET-CT scans I've had but I had one of many this week. And the results are in: NO EVIDENCE OF METASTATIC DISEASE! So far I've been NED for about 21 months and it's such a great feeling. It really does give me hope that I WILL be around to watch Cruz grow up. I know that eventually my disease will catch up to me but I have to continue to enjoy the present. It's not that easy though so don't judge me if I'm not all sunshine and flowers every day.  Right now my main focus is mostly trying to save money so I can pay off medical expenses. I'm a single mom with cancer living in the Bay Area. That's three strikes but so far I'm able to do it on my own. Tight budget but manageable. I have to prepare for the future though and I really need to start putting more money away for Cruz. I want to make sure he's taken care of so I recently became an independent consultant with Rodan & Fields. If you wo...

Feeling so blah today. Tomorrow is Cruz's birthday party with his friends and I feel like I have to pump myself up for it. I found out something today that is really upsetting me and I can't stop thinking about it. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with cancer but I just can't take any bad news right now, no matter where it comes from. I just want things to get better. Or at least not suck. That would be nice. Sometimes it feels like things are looking up but it just never really does. Life is a big tease right now. I really need something awesome to happen before my birthday so I can have some hope that life will get better. I make wishes all the time and I'm really hoping that a few come true soon.  To be honest, I'm just tired of being strong in front of people. Why should I have to hold back just to make other people comfortable? Why do I always have to be the strong one? For Cruz I will be strong but please let me be vulnerable sometimes. All I know is th...

My beautiful baby. :) My Cruz is going to turn 8 years old next week. I can't believe how much my baby has grown and I feel extremely lucky to still be here to continue to watch him grow. I only hope that I will be here many more years. I don't want to leave him in his most formative years. My hope is that during this time that we have together we are able to make amazing memories together even if it's just snuggling on the couch together reading a book or watching his favorite movie at the time.  I really hope I will be able to meet my grandchildren. How many people do you know that actually wish they'll get old and gray? Well I'm one of them. I will cherish every one of my wrinkles as long as I'm here with Cruz. I know that I'm supposed to outlive him and I accept that; in fact I prefer it, but not now. He needs me. The other night he crawled into my bed because he was having bad dreams and of course his stuffed animals came with him. By morning,...

I've been thinking about my birthday a lot recently since it's in a couple of months and I really hope that I have an awesome birthday this year. My last two birthdays have been kind of horrible and I'm hoping that this year my luck will turn around. I would love to have a birthday party but to be honest I'm not sure anyone would even come. I don't have very many friends out here where I live and I'm sure everyone's busy anyway. I'm also not very good at planning parties. I guess I just want to forget about all the bad stuff that's happened to me over the past two years. I want to be able to celebrate life and the fact that I'm still here and fighting. I just feel so alone out here sometimes and I want to feel like people actually care. Does that make sense? All I can do is try I guess. I think that sometimes my current life experiences are just too overwhelming for some people. They don't know what to say so they just pull away or don'...