reflections

I think everyone needs a good cry once in awhile. Unfortunately for me, I think I get more than my fair share of tears. I don't think most people realize how tough it is to live with cancer and how it affects every single aspect of your life. To be honest, I don't think people want or care to know. People are happy living in their own bubbles which is fine but reach out every once in awhile. That's all I'm saying. I just wish that I could go on an actual vacation to leave all of this behind for a few days and enjoy myself. Hawaii sounds nice, doesn't it?  So far being home on medical leave hasn't been as relaxing as I hoped. It's nice to actually get a little more rest and my pain isn't bothering me as much but there's still the financial stress that just won't go away. It's difficult not to worry about it but I'm really trying not to let it take over my thoughts on a daily basis. I should go out on walks more so that I can clear my min...

Feeling completely overwhelmed and alone tonight. Another death in my Metastatic group this morning which makes 3 in less than a week. All of the women were under 40. So many people have had progression as well and it's really scaring the fuck out of me. At the same time I'm feeling really guilty because I've been doing well for the past two years. I've been sitting here in my bed crying for the past 2 hours. For the women that die every day from this stupid disease, for their families, their children, for me and Cruz. I really hate this. I don't want to be the strong one all the time. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Sometimes I wish we could leave this place and pretend like everything's okay. I don't fit in here anyway. It's just so hard when you don't have a good support system close to you. I'm tired of rejection and feeling like an outcast. I wish I knew someone that lived really close to me that was going through the same th...

So, I've been on leave for a month already. It went by so fast! Time just seems to fly by as an adult. I remember being a kid and it felt like a school year was FOREVER! Didn't it? Now it seems like we just celebrated a New year and it's now almost April. It also seems like it was yesterday that I found the lump on the breast that betrayed me but on April 6 it will be 3 years! 3 years of a mind-fucking experience. The sad part is that it's never going to end but at least I'm alive. I'm still here. For now. And I'm okay with that. And don't give me that shit about how if I stay positive I'll be okay because it's not about staying "positive", it's about learning to live a new normal. I'm just hopeful and I try to live my every day life as normal as possible for as long as I can. And also just for the record: I am NOT giving up sugar or coffee. One thing I will do though is try to exercise more often. I used to exercise at least 4 ...

I'm feeling overwhelmed. This past week has been horrible and it's getting to the point where I don't know how much more my mind and body can take. I need a break. A nice long break to just relax and focus on my health. It's not fun working in a place that just isn't supportive. Most of my co-workers are amazing to work with but it's not right to constantly work in fear. It's not right to have to come home in tears at least once a week. All this stress just isn't good for me. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and not let the politics get to me so much but it does. I just have to remember that I'm there to take care of my patients and I do an amazing job with them. I want my patients to be happy and move towards health so that they can go home. It's been a really difficult year and I wish that people would back me up but I get it, they're afraid too.  God, I just pray that I will get through this. And I pray that my upcoming scan ...

Do you ever wonder who will remember you when you die? Or who will even care that you're gone? Obviously my family will care and they'll be sad but sometimes I wonder if anyone else would even care if I died. What will people remember me for? Will they even remember me? Or would I just become "that girl that died from cancer". I know, doesn't sound like a very happy topic but these are the kinds of things you think about when you're smacked in the face with this stupid diagnosis. I'm even thinking about starting to put away money for my funeral so that I'm not a burden when I'm gone. I'm not even completely sure if I want to be buried or cremated. So far, cremation is winning. It's cheaper and it's not like very many people will visit my grave 100 years from now. But then, where will my ashes go? So many things to sort out and it sucks that this could happen sooner rather than later. Maybe I'm just thinking too much because I have...

Being a single mom is hard but being a single mom with cancer and living in the Bay area is even harder. Sometimes I wish I could just come home and relax but there's no such thing as free time these days. If I'm not at work then I'm at an appointment or running errands. Sleeping in? I don't know what that is anymore. I think that disappears the moment you have kids. ;) Except now it's coupled with anxiety-induced insomnia. I think the only days when I actually feel rested are my infusion days. So, thank you Benadryl for allowing me a day of rest every 3 weeks.  I think I just have to accept that I will never have the energy I once had or be a power mom and that's okay. I don't have the free time to be able to volunteer for school activities. I may be able to go on the occasional field trip but that's about it. Sometimes I wish I could help out in class but I just don't have time. I've also been using a lot of free time looking for a different ...

Definitely a bad day today but hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Sleep would help. Oh yeah, and good news. My life is spent waiting so, it's getting a little old. I just need to know. Yes or no. Please God, let it be a yes. 

I'm finally going to get an MRI of my right shoulder. I'm so excited! Maybe I can finally figure out what the hell is wrong with it. These past few nights the pain hasn't let me sleep well. It's gotten worse because now my elbow and wrist hurt too. The PET-CT scans never pick anything up but maybe the MRI will show something. Even if the cancer has spread to my bones at least I would know what is causing the pain. Better to catch it now before it takes a hold of my body again. So, I'll keep you posted once I get it done and get the results. Tomorrow I will get the dye study on my port to make sure it's functioning correctly. It's a relatively quick procedure. The worst part is that I'll be driving back home in the middle of traffic and because I switched shifts I'll have to work a 12 hour shift on Friday. Not looking forward to that but gotta do what I gotta do. In other news, today didn't start off too well. I found out that a fellow cancer fi...

Sometimes I think I should just go home. I don't feel like I belong out here. My life here is a very lonely one and I'm just not used to the quietness. I think I can count my close friends out here with one hand but still, most days are spent at work or home with Cruz. It's not for lack of trying but I guess I'm just at a different point in my life than most people. People don't want to be reminded of their own mortality and I think people may be uncomfortable with how realistic I am about my diagnosis. For me, I just find it to be educational because most people don't understand the meaning of a Stage IV diagnosis. I find that I always have to reiterate the fact that it's INCURABLE. It's true that I don't look sick. It's true that my hair is growing back. It's true that I don't need systemic chemo at this moment but I'm still taking medication. Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thin...

I really like her new song. Music is a great distraction but sometimes it's too close to home. I'm stressing too much though. Too many things going on and a scan coming up. Makes my liver hurt. Damn cancer.

I was sick for almost a week. First Cruz and then me. I had the biggest headache for 2 days that made it even worse. It finally went away after I took a nap yesterday. I hate headaches. It always makes me think I have a brain tumor which is what happened Friday night. My headache was so bad that I was sure I had a brain tumor and that if I fell asleep I would die. So, I stayed awake as long as I could. I fought off sleep until my body was so exhausted I passed out. I haven't had a brain MRI in awhile and sometimes I think I should request one from my oncologist but I'm scared. I want to know but I don't want to know. I think I'm fine but I don't know for sure. My situation could change in the blink of an eye and that's scary to think about. My liver has also been hurting again. And my shoulder. I feel like one of those old people that has like 100 ailments and I'm only in my 30's. This isn't supposed to be happening....but it is. Next, I'll be ob...

I feel exhausted. It's like I can never catch up on rest no matter what I do. After work I am so tired that I spend most of the evening trying not to fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep during the night. It doesn't work. I still end up waking up at least 3 times during the night and then I have to get up and go to work. My days off are spent going to doctors appointments, running errands and being a mom. Being a mom is the never-ending full time job. I love being a mom and despite being tired I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also love being a nurse but to be honest I just don't feel supported at work. I'm feeling pressured. I don't like the politics of my workplace and I don't like feeling like I'm not allowed to be sick. I know that I look healthy but I AM NOT! I don't think they'll ever understand this concept until I look sick. They just want to work me for all they can get out of me. At the beginning of my diagnosis they were good t...

Many of you know that I love anything paranormal or supernatural. I love scary movies and ghost shows. I could watch them all day. So, lately I've been watching this show where this guy does past life regression through hypnosis and another show where they talk about kids that remember past lives. It's just so interesting to me to think that we may have lived a different life. One of the kids in the show said that God wants us to learn something and He'll keep sending us back until we get it right. I tend to believe that it's possible that reincarnation exists but I also believe in Heaven. I don't think I have to stick to just one belief. If I have lived a past life then I wonder what God wants me to learn that I'm not getting right. I guess I might have an idea. He's just throwing me so many curve balls in this lifetime that it makes me wonder why so many? Is it because I've made so many mistakes that He just wants me to get it already? Is it because ...

How do you forgive someone? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't want to die hating someone so I'm trying to find that inner peace or whatever it is that will help me learn how to forgive someone. I really thought I was getting there but the person just had to ruin it. I guess it'll just take some time. I'm just not sure when I'll reach my breaking point. So many broken promises... Maybe yoga and meditation? Nahhh. My attention span is horrible. I think eventually it'll come to me. Right now, at this moment, I wish I could just pick up and leave. Travel somewhere with my Cruz. Visit family in Mexico, visit all the pyramids in the world, take a road trip across the country, go to Europe. There's so many things I want to do and so many things I want Cruz to see.  Life is just hard at this moment but I'm taking it one day at a time. I should be happy right now, right? I'm NED and my recent tumor markers came back normal once again. ...

Working these past two days has really wiped me out. I'm so tired. Having mixed emotions about everything going on right now. What am I doing?

I think I've been watching the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling too much. I can't help it though. Who doesn't love Ryan Gosling? But it's affecting my sleep. I just can't seem to get past this insomnia and fear of falling asleep. There's just something about the night because I'm fine taking naps during the day. I'm not as scared. And it's not that I'm scared of the dark or anything. I'm just scared that I won't wake up. I'm definitely not ready to go and I don't feel like I've done enough in this lifetime. This fear began when I was first diagnosed with cancer but it was at it's worst when I was going through chemo.  I remember when I was first diagnosed; Cruz, myself and Cruz's father would sleep on the living room floor together. That's where I felt more comfortable. I wanted to be surrounded by my family. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason I felt that if they were both next to me than I couldn't die....