reflections

One week ago, on August 12 I turned one year older! This is actually kind of exciting because I didn't think I would be here today when they told me I had Metastatic Cancer 3 years ago. I remember them saying that statistics show that the average life span after diagnosis is 2 years. So, yeah, I am happy to get the opportunity to get older. Of course....can you tell my body to stay looking young please? I want to get older but still look 25 without surgery. If only chemo and targeted therapies had restorative properties that kept our bodies from aging without dying. I mean, if it's going to make us feel like shit, it could at least help us look amazing. But no. Instead it makes us feel and look like shit. At least I'm still alive though and I hope to get older. I also hope to have at least one more party on my birthday in my lifetime. I think I've only had about 2 real birthday parties in my life. One when I was 7 and of course when I was 15 I had my quince ñera. I didn...

So, I'm going back to work soon and I'm really nervous. I don't want to go back. At least not to the same place. Don't get me wrong, I love being a nurse and I'm looking forward to caring for patients again. I just wish it was somewhere new. Something different. I kind of enjoyed being able to go to appointments without being questioned these past few months. For the most part, I was able to take care of my medical needs without being judged and I liked that. It's not the patients that worry me, it's the politics in that specific work place. The thought of going back is just increasing my anxiety to a whole new level which is why I've been going on hikes and walks lately. I need to keep my mind busy and relaxed. I just think it's kind of sad that I have to increase the amount of appointments I have with a therapist because of a job. But I'm keeping positive thoughts in my head that something better is coming my way in terms of my career because I...

I went a whole month without a blog entry. July has been a hectic month for me. So many things have happened. I moved away and then I moved back. There's a good reason why I moved back but I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I just feel a little dumb for being so indecisive but I know that this decision can bring many good things my way and I am so ready for something good to happen. These past few months have been more stressful than usual. Between cancer and other issues my anxiety has been at an all time high but I think it's finally coming back down. The main source of my anxiety isn't even cancer right now, it's the politics of going on short term disability due to my side effects and stress. Apparently for some people having cancer isn't a good enough reason. Don't they realize that they're constant intimidation just makes my side effects worse? I need this time to relax and heal. Pretty soon, I will go back to work. I'm looking forward to...