reflections

One week ago, on August 12 I turned one year older! This is actually kind of exciting because I didn't think I would be here today when they told me I had Metastatic Cancer 3 years ago. I remember them saying that statistics show that the average life span after diagnosis is 2 years. So, yeah, I am happy to get the opportunity to get older. Of course....can you tell my body to stay looking young please? I want to get older but still look 25 without surgery. If only chemo and targeted therapies had restorative properties that kept our bodies from aging without dying. I mean, if it's going to make us feel like shit, it could at least help us look amazing. But no. Instead it makes us feel and look like shit. At least I'm still alive though and I hope to get older. I also hope to have at least one more party on my birthday in my lifetime. I think I've only had about 2 real birthday parties in my life. One when I was 7 and of course when I was 15 I had my quince ñera. I didn...

So, I'm going back to work soon and I'm really nervous. I don't want to go back. At least not to the same place. Don't get me wrong, I love being a nurse and I'm looking forward to caring for patients again. I just wish it was somewhere new. Something different. I kind of enjoyed being able to go to appointments without being questioned these past few months. For the most part, I was able to take care of my medical needs without being judged and I liked that. It's not the patients that worry me, it's the politics in that specific work place. The thought of going back is just increasing my anxiety to a whole new level which is why I've been going on hikes and walks lately. I need to keep my mind busy and relaxed. I just think it's kind of sad that I have to increase the amount of appointments I have with a therapist because of a job. But I'm keeping positive thoughts in my head that something better is coming my way in terms of my career because I...

I went a whole month without a blog entry. July has been a hectic month for me. So many things have happened. I moved away and then I moved back. There's a good reason why I moved back but I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I just feel a little dumb for being so indecisive but I know that this decision can bring many good things my way and I am so ready for something good to happen. These past few months have been more stressful than usual. Between cancer and other issues my anxiety has been at an all time high but I think it's finally coming back down. The main source of my anxiety isn't even cancer right now, it's the politics of going on short term disability due to my side effects and stress. Apparently for some people having cancer isn't a good enough reason. Don't they realize that they're constant intimidation just makes my side effects worse? I need this time to relax and heal. Pretty soon, I will go back to work. I'm looking forward to...

Many of you have been asking if I'm really moving and the answer is yes, I am. Over the past few weeks situations have been escalating to a point where I have to leave. Do I want to leave? No, I don't. I always pictured Cruz growing up in a town with the same friends from elementary to high school. I didn't have that growing up and I really wanted it for Cruz but I guess things happen in life and now we have to leave. It's all happening so fast and it's been really overwhelming but I hope that in the end this will be a positive change. If I stay, everything will probably get worse and I'll continue to be hurt and I can't handle it anymore. I also feel like I have to try and give Cruz the best possible life with me. I have to protect him and provide him with a good home. If we move he can have a yard and a pet. He'll also have cousins to play with. I know that it will be hard at first but I know he's strong enough to handle it.  I'm going to mis...

I really wish I could sleep. Ever since my cancer diagnosis I haven't been able to sleep really well except for infusion days. I look forward to infusion days because I know that I will actually get some sleep. Am I a weird person because I look forward to cancer treatments? The nurses must get annoyed with me too because I love talking to them especially because lately I haven't really had anyone take me that wants to stay by my side. They're the only ones who have an idea of what cancer patients go through. I feel like they're the only ones who understand me. I think that's kind of sad but I can't force anyone to stay or become friends with me. Having a friend with cancer must be hard but ignoring them isn't the best way to deal with it. It's tough on a relationship too but it doesn't help to leave them to do it alone.  I'm in a tough spot in my life. So many decisions to make and I wish I had someone by my side to help me make them. I often ...

Cruz broke down crying tonight. It breaks my heart to watch him in pain, emotional or physical.  I think the enormous weight of our current situation is finally affecting him. I wish I could fix it. I wish there was something I can say or do that will make him feel better. That everything will be okay. We just hugged and I cried with him until he felt well enough to go to sleep.  Cruz and I have been thinking about moving so that we can start over fresh somewhere else. I know that part of his sadness comes from wanting to stay with his friends. I remember being sad when I moved as a child and having to make new friends.  It's a big change. Sometimes he likes the idea because he said we could get a house with a big yard and we could get a cat. But the friends part is really making him sad.  Truth is, I really don't want to move myself but it may be for the best. I'm so confused.  Moving would mean so many changes with me healthcare. It means finding a new job...

I haven't written a blog in a long time. I'm sorry. I feel like I've been going through so many emotions lately. Happiness, sadness, anxiety. There's just too many emotions that it's been overwhelming. I've been in this dark place for a couple weeks now. Sometimes I feel okay and other days I don't want to get out of bed but I do because I have no choice but to keep going. I keep telling myself that I can't keep letting myself get hurt all the time and I've been asking God, why? Why do I keep letting it happen? Why do I have incurable cancer? I'm sure he has a plan but right now, at this moment, I really don't like it. This is the natural process though, right? You go through all these stages of grieving and you just have to make the choice to pick up the pieces and keep going. I have to be strong and get my balls back, so to speak. I can't keep being a pushover and I need to stand up for myself. It's not as easy as it sounds though. ...