Radiation Update

I recently had a consultation with a radiation oncologist and it looks like I will be starting radiation within the next two weeks. On Thursday I have the simulation and radiation should start a week after that. I was really going back and forth whether I should do radiation. I feel like I’ve already had so much radiation pumped into my body with each PET-CT scan, mammogram, MRI, and x-ray. It’s probably enough radiation to start up another type of cancer. Not to mention toxic chemotherapy. I started to question whether I really wanted to do that to my body but after thinking about it I realized that I have to make sure I do everything I can to be around for my son. I need to be here for him for a long time. The pros in this situation kind of outweigh the cons.

Kind of nervous though because I don’t know how it’s going to affect me. I had the same feelings when I was going to start chemo. I thought I would be home throwing up and feeling miserable like they show in the movies and for me, it really wasn’t like that. I had a relatively decent chemo experience so in a way my mind is thinking that I’m going to have the opposite experience with radiation. Hopefully I just have fatigue but I’m worried because I don’t have the support at home to deal with being tired. Being a single mom with cancer is going to be tough but I know I can get through it. I pretty much went through chemo alone so it won’t be much different. But I really do wish I had the support of a loving partner. Oh well, I’m comforted by the fact that my son kept telling me all day today “You’re the best mami ever!”. Love that kid!

The radiation oncologist also wants me to get a brain MRI which scares the shit out of me. Having a brain tumor really scares me but the doctor wants to make sure my brain is still ok which I think it is since I haven’t had any symptoms of a tumor. She wants to get a baseline since I’ve never had a brain MRI before because my oncologist in San Francisco didn’t think it was necessary. I go back and forth between having the MRI and not having it. You want to know but you don’t want to know if that makes sense. I will go through with it though because it’s better if they catch it early. (Sucks that I have to think about these things.) I will also start physical therapy to prevent lymphedema from the removal of some lymph nodes on my right arm. Heavy stuff right? How many people have to make these kinds of decisions? I wish I didn’t but I’m dealing with it.

When I first found out I had cancer and that it had spread to my liver I was an emotional mess for about a month but over time I think I’ve handled it pretty well. I am open about my diagnosis and if one of my patients or someone else asks me if I have cancer I tell them the truth. Most people tell me that I am very positive despite my diagnosis and they’re surprised that I still work. Work distracts me and it’s a form of therapy for me. Plus I love being a nurse. Another comment I get is that I’m “brave”. I don’t feel brave. I’m just living a day at a time and everyone in my situation will do the same thing. I absolutely have my down days (more so now going through a breakup) but it’s ok to have down days. One thing I’ve learned from cancer blogs, therapy and other cancer survivors/fighters is that it’s ok to cry once in awhile. It’s very therapeutic. This doesn’t mean that you can’t cope or that you’re a weak person. It’s just a part of dealing with a really shitty diagnosis. So, I’m going to continue living one day at a time and if I feel like crying one day, I’m gonna cry. But seriously with a kid like mine there are more happy days than sad days. J

P.S. I am still working on the blog about my hair. Working up the courage to post a bald pic.