reflections

I came across this picture the other day and I can't help but think how terrible I look. I'm bald and wearing my wig. I barely have any eyebrows left and this was before I learned how to use makeup to make faux eyebrows. My face is super puffy from the steroids (actually my whole body was puffy due to slowly gaining weight from the stupid treatment) and it's splotchy. My chemo treatment caused my skin to get some noticeable discoloration plus I had acne-like rashes on my scalp, hands and face. At this time I felt completely unattractive and sometimes I still do. Cancer has changed my whole life. I felt like shit and I looked like shit. Yet, I made it through it but I still feel like shit.  I'm actually really frustrated. I feel like I tried my best to continue on with life during treatment. I never missed a day of work while I was on chemo and now that I'm actually taking the time to take care of myself I feel like I'm getting punished. And when I think ba...

My hair is finally starting to look like it's growing! So happy. I constantly dream that my hair reaches my waist or that I'm washing my long hair. My hair is showing some progress. Unfortunately my eyebrows are still sparse but brow liner and using eyeshadow helps cover it up. And for my eyelashes I started using Younique 3D fiber lashes and it's awesome. I have eyelashes without struggling to put on fake lashes. Feeling somewhat normal.

These are my war wounds. I have so many bruises due to my blood thinners and these are just on one side of my leg. My stomach is a little bit worse but that's only because that's where my shots go. It actually hurts to wear pants because they sit right on the bruises. I've officially been on Lovenox for 2 years now. On 9/12/12 it was discovered that I had a pulmonary emobolism after a routine PET-CT scan and for 6 months I gave myself 2 shots a day for a total of 120 mg. Now I just take 80mg once a day...indefinitely. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to give myself shots anymore but at the same time I'm so scared to stop. I've seen people die from PE's and that is NOT the way I want to go.  For some reason cancer patients are just more prone to develop blood clots and I just so happened to be one of the lucky winners of a blood clot that could've killed me if I wasn't getting regular scans. I had NO symptoms whatsoever. Kind of scary. At the time...

Many of you know that I love anything paranormal or supernatural. I love scary movies and ghost shows. I could watch them all day. So, lately I've been watching this show where this guy does past life regression through hypnosis and another show where they talk about kids that remember past lives. It's just so interesting to me to think that we may have lived a different life. One of the kids in the show said that God wants us to learn something and He'll keep sending us back until we get it right. I tend to believe that it's possible that reincarnation exists but I also believe in Heaven. I don't think I have to stick to just one belief. If I have lived a past life then I wonder what God wants me to learn that I'm not getting right. I guess I might have an idea. He's just throwing me so many curve balls in this lifetime that it makes me wonder why so many? Is it because I've made so many mistakes that He just wants me to get it already? Is it because ...

I'm making some changes again. I'm re-decorating Cruz's room and getting rid of the last bit of old furniture. I need to get rid of the furniture that's in the garage too. It's just too difficult for me to see all the old furniture in the house. I guess I just feel like Cruz and I need a fresh start. There have just been so many negative changes in the last couple of years so I feel like we're ready for some positive changes to start happening. Seeing all the old furniture in my house reminds me of all the broken promises of a life I thought I would have. It still hurts...a lot, but I deserve to be a priority and so does Cruz. I'm starting small by focusing on the little things. I spent today painting a shelving unit for Cruz's room. He needs storage for his Lego collection. I also moved a freezer out of the kitchen into the garage all by myself earlier this week to make more room in the kitchen. Now, I feel like I need to hang some more stuff on the w...