reflections

I had a really good holiday this year. I got to spend time with my family and my wonderful Cruz. With the help of his Papi he got me a locket for Christmas with his picture in it. I have to copy one of his baby pictures so I can shrink it down to locket size that way I can have his baby picture on one side and a current picture on the other. I also got to eat tamales! It was also nice to have a few days off from work. Too bad I had an infusion appointment to interrupt but that's okay. It wasn't too bad. At my next infusion I will have an MRI of my shoulder to finally find out what is causing the pain. These are the things I have to look forward to. Another year gone by and more appointments to come in my future.  I can't believe another Christmas has gone by and that in less than a week it will be 2015. I'm hoping that this year ends on a really good note. A few good things are happening for me right now and I'm just hoping that they don't blow up in my face. ...

I had the dye study done on my port on Thursday and my port is doing fine which is good because I love my port. I don't want to deal with having to take it out and get a new one. Makes it really convenient to get blood draws and IV medication. It was strange seeing the x-ray on a big screen. I could see my heart beating while they were lining up the machine. Right before Christmas I'll have my infusion of Herceptin and Perjeta. I'm thinking of taking the nurses some chocolate or cupcakes since it sucks having to work on holidays and I appreciate all their help.  Can't wait for Christmas. Mostly because of the food and hanging out with family. And I LOVE seeing the kids open their presents. It'll be a nice break from all the work stress. Hopefully my shoulder doesn't act up on me. I wasn't able to get an appointment for the MRI of my shoulder before the new year but that's okay as long as it's finally happening. I know that my last PET-CT scan came ...

I'm finally going to get an MRI of my right shoulder. I'm so excited! Maybe I can finally figure out what the hell is wrong with it. These past few nights the pain hasn't let me sleep well. It's gotten worse because now my elbow and wrist hurt too. The PET-CT scans never pick anything up but maybe the MRI will show something. Even if the cancer has spread to my bones at least I would know what is causing the pain. Better to catch it now before it takes a hold of my body again. So, I'll keep you posted once I get it done and get the results. Tomorrow I will get the dye study on my port to make sure it's functioning correctly. It's a relatively quick procedure. The worst part is that I'll be driving back home in the middle of traffic and because I switched shifts I'll have to work a 12 hour shift on Friday. Not looking forward to that but gotta do what I gotta do. In other news, today didn't start off too well. I found out that a fellow cancer fi...

Sometimes I think I should just go home. I don't feel like I belong out here. My life here is a very lonely one and I'm just not used to the quietness. I think I can count my close friends out here with one hand but still, most days are spent at work or home with Cruz. It's not for lack of trying but I guess I'm just at a different point in my life than most people. People don't want to be reminded of their own mortality and I think people may be uncomfortable with how realistic I am about my diagnosis. For me, I just find it to be educational because most people don't understand the meaning of a Stage IV diagnosis. I find that I always have to reiterate the fact that it's INCURABLE. It's true that I don't look sick. It's true that my hair is growing back. It's true that I don't need systemic chemo at this moment but I'm still taking medication. Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thin...

Trying to make changes in my life recently. Obviously the stress is taking a toll on me but I'm trying really hard to keep going. I think I'm realizing that I don't want to reach out to people anymore. I still feel alone and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I don't want to make the first move anymore. It's just me and Cruz most days. I'm also trying to relax more on my days off. Today was one of those days. There are so many errands that I should have done today but instead I chose to just stay home, relax under the covers and take a nap. I feel like I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something and I have to just slow down and take care of myself. After all, my archangel is looking after me and I should do the same. I do have to get my Christmas shopping done though. This year I'm going small and just buying presents for the kids and that's even a stretch but I love my nieces and nephew and I'd like to get them at least...

I have to share this story with you today because it made me feel really g ood. I walked into my patient's room today to check his blood sugar at lunchtime and his caregiver is in the room visiting him. The doctor was talking to my patient when all of a sudden his caregiver turns to me and says "I'm sorry but I have to tell you that a spirit, this energy, just walked into the room with you. It's taking up this whole room." Both the doctor and my patient stopped talking and they turned to the caregiver who went on to say that the energy was a positive one and it was lighting up the room around me; protecting me. My patient then told me that I should believe him because his caregiver has the gift of being able to sense spirits.  If you know me, then you know I absolutely believe in ghosts, spirits and basically anything spiritual. When the caregiver told me this today it made me feel that maybe God really is protecting me during this difficult time. Whether it be ...