reflections

It's been a long month but at the same time it flew by. It just means I'm one month closer to having to go back to work. Ahhhhhh! That's how I feel about that. Please don't think that I don't love being a nurse. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE it! I love my patients. I love taking care of them and being a part of their recovery process. I love making a difference during a tough part of a patient's life. I just don't like being treated like shit every time I go to work. And it's not the patients that do it, just to clarify. I'm just hoping that something works out for me at another facility and SOON cuz I missing taking care of patients. I actually miss inserting a foley catheter. I've been told by patients that I'm pretty good at that so that says something. Lol. I miss giving injections, setting up IV's, hanging IV antibiotics, basically I miss helping my patients.  At the same time, I'm enjoying some parts of my time off. I don't feel so st...

I think everyone needs a good cry once in awhile. Unfortunately for me, I think I get more than my fair share of tears. I don't think most people realize how tough it is to live with cancer and how it affects every single aspect of your life. To be honest, I don't think people want or care to know. People are happy living in their own bubbles which is fine but reach out every once in awhile. That's all I'm saying. I just wish that I could go on an actual vacation to leave all of this behind for a few days and enjoy myself. Hawaii sounds nice, doesn't it?  So far being home on medical leave hasn't been as relaxing as I hoped. It's nice to actually get a little more rest and my pain isn't bothering me as much but there's still the financial stress that just won't go away. It's difficult not to worry about it but I'm really trying not to let it take over my thoughts on a daily basis. I should go out on walks more so that I can clear my min...

Feeling completely overwhelmed and alone tonight. Another death in my Metastatic group this morning which makes 3 in less than a week. All of the women were under 40. So many people have had progression as well and it's really scaring the fuck out of me. At the same time I'm feeling really guilty because I've been doing well for the past two years. I've been sitting here in my bed crying for the past 2 hours. For the women that die every day from this stupid disease, for their families, their children, for me and Cruz. I really hate this. I don't want to be the strong one all the time. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Sometimes I wish we could leave this place and pretend like everything's okay. I don't fit in here anyway. It's just so hard when you don't have a good support system close to you. I'm tired of rejection and feeling like an outcast. I wish I knew someone that lived really close to me that was going through the same th...

I've been feeling kind of sad for the past few days. A few women from our Metastatic community passed away and it sucks. They were too young to die and they were taken from their families because of this stupid disease. It scares me. I knew that by joining support groups for Metastatic Breast Cancer patients I would see this happen but it still really, really sucks. I think it's also hitting me hard because they were all so young and I feel like it's all happening so fast. I feel like one minute you're fine and the next you're not.  I'm fine now but for how long? Months...years? I don't know. I know that we will all die eventually but it's sooo much different when you face death every day. That whole analogy of how we could all be hit by a car tomorrow and die is just frustrating because it's NOT the same as being told you are dying and even given a timeline. In one scenario it's sudden. You're here and then you're gone. You probably do...