reflections

I recently spent a few hours in the ER for severe abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Yep...the highlight of my year. Last Thursday as I was trying to finish my homework for school my body decided that I didn't need any fluids in my body so starting at about 8pm began one of the worst nights of my life. I have never felt so sick. I absolutely HATE throwing up! Diarrhea...I don't mind as much since it has basically become my new normal with my cancer medications. But this...This was out of control. I couldn't even keep down water. I tried to hydrate but it just wasn't happening. And the pain was really intense. So intense that I couldn't stand up straight. At about 11pm I realized that there was no way I would be able to go to work on Friday so I called off which I really hated to do because I really need the money to pay for my health insurance. At 1am I couldn't take it anymore. The pain and vomiting were not ending so I woke up Cruz and walked him o...

Do you ever feel an extreme feeling of disappointment? I've had that feeling for a few weeks now. I'm disappointed in other people and I'm disappointed in myself for letting people treat me wrong. I deserve to be treated with respect and love. I don't know why I accept the way people treat me. I know I shouldn't but it's so difficult to stand up for myself sometimes. I think I've run out of tears though and I don't talk about it much because no one really wants to hear it and I hate the "be positive" conversations. Plus, I know it's my own fault for letting it happen. It's all so confusing but I know I need to take better care of myself. I need to make the decision. It's such a heavy feeling. I don't deserve it. In cancer news, I had an abdominal ultrasound to try and figure out why my liver hurts and everything was normal. No new spots in my liver. The pain could just be the dead cancer cells. It's good news but the pain ...