reflections

I had an appointment with my oncologist last week and got my infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta. So, we're gonna keep doing the infusions and I scheduled a PET-CT scan and echo for July. It seems as though these 3 month increments just fly by. I feel like I just had a scan and now I have to go back again for another. I guess it's time to refill my prescription for Ativan. I really hate CT scans. The dye gives me such anxiety so it's nice to be able to take some Ativan and hopefully fall asleep during the scan. The PET part is not so bad, it's just uncomfortable sometimes.  I had labs taken last week too and I'm happy to announce that my Cancer Antigen 15-3 is normal once again. My level is 15 and the level that is considered normal is less than 33. Since chemo ended, my levels have ranged between 12-18 which is really good. So far this specific lab has worked really well in predicting my cancer so I'm going to go with it until it stops working. I think that's p...

Just want to say Happy Father's Day to all the fathers that I know. This is a picture of me, my oldest sister and my dad. I'm the little one. So long ago... Time goes by so quickly, doesn't it?

I've been thinking about my birthday a lot recently since it's in a couple of months and I really hope that I have an awesome birthday this year. My last two birthdays have been kind of horrible and I'm hoping that this year my luck will turn around. I would love to have a birthday party but to be honest I'm not sure anyone would even come. I don't have very many friends out here where I live and I'm sure everyone's busy anyway. I'm also not very good at planning parties. I guess I just want to forget about all the bad stuff that's happened to me over the past two years. I want to be able to celebrate life and the fact that I'm still here and fighting. I just feel so alone out here sometimes and I want to feel like people actually care. Does that make sense? All I can do is try I guess. I think that sometimes my current life experiences are just too overwhelming for some people. They don't know what to say so they just pull away or don'...

I think I've been watching the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling too much. I can't help it though. Who doesn't love Ryan Gosling? But it's affecting my sleep. I just can't seem to get past this insomnia and fear of falling asleep. There's just something about the night because I'm fine taking naps during the day. I'm not as scared. And it's not that I'm scared of the dark or anything. I'm just scared that I won't wake up. I'm definitely not ready to go and I don't feel like I've done enough in this lifetime. This fear began when I was first diagnosed with cancer but it was at it's worst when I was going through chemo.  I remember when I was first diagnosed; Cruz, myself and Cruz's father would sleep on the living room floor together. That's where I felt more comfortable. I wanted to be surrounded by my family. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason I felt that if they were both next to me than I couldn't die....

Sometimes the fact that I have cancer seems like a distant memory. Chemo, the pain, the loneliness. I love that feeling of distance. Feeling like I don't have cancer at all. Feeling "normal". Letting myself hope and dream about watching Cruz grow up. Letting go of a toxic relationship and letting myself believe that I deserve better. So, I'm chucking all of the bad stuff in the f**k it bucket. I like this thought. :)

Plant shopping. :) Trying to make myself feel better by buying plants to fill my house inside and out. Making changes is hard but it does get easier each day especially when I have distance from the person that changed my life forever. It's nice to feel some peace in my own home. It's also nice not feeling judged everyday by someone I love. At the same time I still miss him being around and it can get quite lonely at times but I have to decide what's better for me. Being alone and having the chance to find someone that truly loves me, treats me with respect and wants to be with me or be with someone that constantly hurts me and can never fully commit to any woman. Not even the mother of his child. (So if you think he'll commit to you think again.) But anyway...  So far the past two weeks have been really good. Cruz and I are adjusting to this new stability in our lives and it's really working out for us. We're enjoying the fact that I'm still clear of...

Happy Mother's Day! Feliz Dia de las Madres! I had a nice time with Cruz yesterday even though I had a headache and wasn't feeling too great. I managed to be able to take him to get some ice cream and enjoyed the evening watching a movie with my baby. When I got home from work today I found a nice vase of beautiful flowers on my doorstep, which smell wonderful by the way. Overall it was a really good weekend. I think I'm starting to learn that I need to start going after what I deserve. I need to put my feelings aside because "he" will never care and I deserve better than that. I really don't have time to waste on someone that walks away when their significant other has cancer. And if she knows the whole truth or believes in his untruths and still wants to be with him then they deserve each other. Time to move on because I know that there is something or someone better waiting for me. For now I'm happy to enjoy my time with Cruz and I know that...