reflections

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams where I have a baby boy. In my dreams Cruz is always playing with his little brother. The baby boy has more of my features and is darker than Cruz but they still have the same father. It's just so strange because there is absolutely no chance of me having another baby unless it's the miracle of a lifetime. It feels nice though. Having Cruz has changed my whole perspective on having children. I wish that I had been given the opportunity to have at least one more but I guess God had different plans for my life. I'm still not sure what they are because He's sure making life a challenge for me but I'm still here so I guess I'm not finished doing what he has planned for me yet. Right now I'm mostly just focused on school and work. It's definitely been challenging. I feel like I have no time to really enjoy hiking or do some fun things with Cruz because I'm either at work, school or doctors appointments. Even t...

I recently spent a few hours in the ER for severe abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Yep...the highlight of my year. Last Thursday as I was trying to finish my homework for school my body decided that I didn't need any fluids in my body so starting at about 8pm began one of the worst nights of my life. I have never felt so sick. I absolutely HATE throwing up! Diarrhea...I don't mind as much since it has basically become my new normal with my cancer medications. But this...This was out of control. I couldn't even keep down water. I tried to hydrate but it just wasn't happening. And the pain was really intense. So intense that I couldn't stand up straight. At about 11pm I realized that there was no way I would be able to go to work on Friday so I called off which I really hated to do because I really need the money to pay for my health insurance. At 1am I couldn't take it anymore. The pain and vomiting were not ending so I woke up Cruz and walked him o...

Do you ever feel an extreme feeling of disappointment? I've had that feeling for a few weeks now. I'm disappointed in other people and I'm disappointed in myself for letting people treat me wrong. I deserve to be treated with respect and love. I don't know why I accept the way people treat me. I know I shouldn't but it's so difficult to stand up for myself sometimes. I think I've run out of tears though and I don't talk about it much because no one really wants to hear it and I hate the "be positive" conversations. Plus, I know it's my own fault for letting it happen. It's all so confusing but I know I need to take better care of myself. I need to make the decision. It's such a heavy feeling. I don't deserve it. In cancer news, I had an abdominal ultrasound to try and figure out why my liver hurts and everything was normal. No new spots in my liver. The pain could just be the dead cancer cells. It's good news but the pain ...

I'm feeling sad today. Another friend with metastatic breast cancer died yesterday. She was only 30 years old. That's right...she was 30. In a way I feel as though it happened so suddenly. I know I've said this before and I don't know why I feel shocked every time, but I do. She had been in the hospital recently and was released on the 13th. She went back to the hospital on Sunday and died on Tuesday. She had just posted an update on her blog too. I really didn't expect that she would deteriorate so quickly and that's what scares me. I know we all have Stage IV breast cancer in my groups and that we have the death sentence hanging over our heads but somehow I still don't think it will happen just like that. Here one minute and gone the next. There are some of us that die gradually but lately I feel like it keeps happening unexpectedly. For a cancer patient I am pretty healthy and probably healthier than some of my mets friends considering I have limited meta...

I have officially resigned from my job. I hate to quit on something but the management and the organization were wearing me down. I just don't need that negative and toxic environment in my life. The past two years at that place were horrible. I feel like I let them win by leaving but at the same time I feel like this weight has been lifted off of me. The only thing keeping me there were the health benefits and now that they took that away there's no reason for me to stay. The way they have treated me is just not right. I know it's the same for other employees but people need their jobs. I'm just disappointed I guess and sad that I don't get to say goodbye to the coworkers that did support me. I need to work for an organization that accepts my cancer and accommodates my needs when the time comes. You'd think that a healthcare organization would understand that the best. But anyway.... I am now going to work for a different hospital. So far the people I have me...

I guess you need an update don't you. Some of you may be anxiously waiting to hear the results of my PET-CT scan which I had this past Monday. Well, the results are in and apparently I am NED!!! No Evidence of Active Disease at this moment. The spot in my breast has resolved itself but there is something on my liver which they believe is just a liver hemangioma. Considering that my cancer metastasized to my liver I don't quite enjoy having a hemangioma because all I can think about is that it could possibly trigger the cancer in my liver to become active. And that's not something I want because cancer in the liver hurts...and burns. It doesn't feel good. The pain that I have right now is enough, I don't want the burning to come back.  Otherwise I am extremely happy and grateful with my results. I am grateful to have more time with Perjeta and Herceptin. They're my two best friends right now. They're keeping that cancer nice and stable without growth and...

Lately I dread checking my mail. Sometimes I'll go a whole week not checking it because all I want to do is cry as I look through the stack of medical bills that keep coming. It's a stressful event. I look through them and I know that some of them are mistakes but not all of them. And even if they are mistakes, the process of having to call the billing office to have them billed correctly is overwhelming! I just haven't been able to handle it lately. And to top it off, I'm losing my health insurance. To go into the details is too much at the moment but let's just say that the job that gives me health benefits is not exactly supportive. I now have to pay for it and the price is definitely high. Most likely over $700 a month. And no, I don't qualify for anything much cheaper because of my income last year. Yes, nurses make good income but for a cancer patient it is NOT enough. Even if I made the tightest budget ever, it still wouldn't be enough to pay off this...