Baby Blues

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It seems as though everyone is pregnant and having babies. I’m at the age where everyone is still expanding their families and I just have to sit back and watch. It makes me sad to think I can’t have any more children. If I had known this when I was pregnant; I would have taken more pictures and enjoyed the moment a little more. I remember feeling horrible throughout most of my pregnancy. I didn’t have nausea but I had terrible heartburn. It got to the point where I had to sleep sitting up.  My birthing story was also very dramatic. I was admitted to the hospital on the night of July 16, 2006 and by 4pm the next day it was decided I needed an emergency C-section because I just wouldn’t dilate more than 5 cm and my uterus was getting tired. After my son was born my uterus just didn’t want to cooperate and I started hemorrhaging. They massaged it to help it contract and pumped it up with medications but it still didn’t want to cooperate. I started going into hypovolemic shock and they had to start an IV in my jugular to start my blood transfusions because all my veins were starting to collapse. I was then put under general anesthesia and I didn’t wake up until the next day. I woke up in ICU intubated and restrained. Luckily Cruz was healthy and strong and they let him stay with me in the hospital for the 5 days I was there. Unfortunately in order to save my life the doctor decided to take my uterus, which meant I would never be able to carry my own child again. It was very difficult news to adjust to but I always knew that I still had the option of surrogacy until my cancer diagnosis. Sometimes Cruz will tell me he wants a brother or sister and I wish I could give that to him but I can’t. Adoption would also be very difficult for me because who would want to give someone with Stage IV cancer a child. Plus, would it be fair to the child. Cruz has been my biggest accomplishment. He’s everything to me and the thought of him growing up without a mom breaks my heart. He makes me happy and I can’t stand the thought of not being able to watch him grow up. I try not to think about it too much but there are times when I can’t hold it in anymore. But for now I’m going to enjoy the time that I do have left with my son and hope for the best.

This is what I looked like after giving birth. I was really swollen..


But I prefer this one. :)


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