Going Back to Work

I go back to work next week and I’m a little sad about it. I’ve enjoyed being home with my son and spending so much time with him. Luckily I’ll be having a few day shifts now so I’ll be home with my son more often. I guess going back to work will offer me a distraction from my heartache though so in a way that’s good. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy working but after getting my cancer diagnosis I feel that family is more important, which is a big reason why I want to work during the day.

I think I’ve just been feeling very emotional lately and it really doesn’t help that there’s a new person in the picture that I feel is really trying to make it impossible to move on and I wish she wasn't involved in my life or my son's life in any way. I’m really trying to make it through this difficult time but.... My focus right now is on my son’s well-being and happiness and having me around more often will definitely help. I will do anything for that little man. He’s my sun, moon and stars. We often argue over who loves the other the most. I always say I love him more and he says to me he loves me more than that. So cute! I have to enjoy it now before he grows up and won’t let me hug or kiss him anymore.

On cancer-related news it feels so good to be done with radiation. My skin is peeling and showing signs of normal color but it’s still sensitive. For now, I will only go to my infusion appointments every three weeks with a couple of follow-up appointments with oncologists in between. It’s kind of nice to have the number of appointments dwindling down. In a way it feels kind of weird because I got used to the routine. You kind of feel lost, like a “what now?” kind of feeling after it’s all over. You have all this attention that suddenly stops and you hope that you’re healthy enough not to need so many doctor visits. Any little ache or pain comes with a fear of recurrence. At least my anxiety is a lot better than it used to be. I’m not having daily panic attacks anymore. Those are awful. My next post I’ll talk about the anxiety and depression that comes with a cancer diagnosis, I promise.

I also haven’t had the liver pain for awhile which is great because it scares me. The last thing I need is for my liver to give out on me. I’m constantly worried about my liver and I try to get labs done every few weeks to make sure my liver enzymes and bilirubin are ok. I think being a nurse helps me and hurts me at the same time. It’s good because I know what to ask and look for but at the same time I feel like I understand the severity of my diagnosis a little better than most and it’s really scary. Sometimes I wish I could live in this bubble where nothing ever goes wrong. It’s just really not fair that my son and I have to go through this. I also wish I had more support at home. It’s very lonely sometimes. I need some adult conversation once in awhile and eventually the love of a caring partner that can handle my situation. For now, it’ll be the two musketeers. J  

My peeling skin. Looks like a really bad peeling tan. Ugly :(