Stronger

It’s been a long few weeks with lots of disappointment and some good times as well. I had my infusion last Thursday where I met a very nice older gentleman with melanoma. He was getting his chemo and talking to my friend K who came with me. Unfortunately the Benadryl made me too sleepy but I could hear them having a lovely conversation. That’s the part I like about my infusions. I get to meet people and hear their stories. I also like the staff. I have my follow-up appointment with my oncologist coming up in 3 weeks where I will find out when my next PET-CT scan will be. It will probably be in January which is fine with me because I don’t want to worry myself for results around the holidays.

Currently though I am home sick. I’ve had a cough for about 2 or 3 weeks now but all of a sudden it all just hit me. I think I’ve just let my body get run down due to stress and work. I have got to learn to not stress about things anymore. I think I’m finally starting to get it though. There’s nothing like someone you once loved telling you that it would have been better off for him if you had just died to make that love burn out. I don’t think I could ever wish that on someone but I guess everyone is different. It’s been a tough two weeks but I’m getting over it. I’m a tough chick when I want to be. I think this is all going to make me stronger though. I think everyone is strong enough to go through everything that I have been through over the years. Almost dying 7 years ago, losing my ability to have children, cancer, facing death for the second time and many other things but you just find the strength somehow because what else is there to do.

I can’t just give up. In fact, it only makes me fight harder. I need to be here for my son. At least until he graduates high school because he needs me as a good role model in his life. He needs his mom. If I didn’t have my mom to watch me grow and guide me I wouldn’t be the person I am today. My mom is a strong woman for raising 6 kids on barely anything. She just made it happen. We didn’t have fancy clothes or even a car for most of my childhood but I appreciate what I went through. I just hope that my son feels the same when he grows up. I want him to look back at this time with good memories which is why I am starting a journal for him. In it I will write about my life or my thoughts for Cruz to read when he’s older just in case cancer does win. I’m not going down without a fight though, so don’t count me out yet. He’ll have the journal even if I’m still here but you know, just in case.