Family Weekend

I had a good weekend with my family. We celebrated my niece's birthday by having a family barbecue and watching movies. I love them all so much which made me start to think about how much they really understand about my diagnosis. One of my brother's mentioned that one of his co-workers had a brother with terminal cancer and somehow we talked about my own diagnosis and how I have incurable cancer. My brother didn't realize that my cancer is incurable. He believed that I was cured and I wish with all my heart that I could be cured but I can't. The best to hope for is to have a long periods of no evidence of disease with each treatment in order to prolong my life. If I'm cured, it would be a miracle that I would embrace. 

I usually don't like talking about my diagnosis with my family. In a way, I like to pretend that everything's normal when I'm around them. I only let a few family members see me bald when I was going through chemo. I guess in a way I was kind of in denial and sometimes I wonder if I still am. Those first few weeks after finding out my diagnosis were horrible but after awhile I just got into a rhythm of working and going to chemo. I didn't have time to think about dying but as time progressed that's all I could think about. I wondered every day what was going to become of my son after I was gone. Leaving my son is my biggest fear and the part of this diagnosis that I worry about the most. I really don't want to leave him. He needs me to be here for him and provide him with a stable home which is something that I strongly believe he won't have if I'm not here for him. I wish and pray every day that I can at least make it until he graduates high school. I know it's a lot to ask but pray with me that my wish will come true.

At the birthday party.