reflections

Thanksgiving week is finally over. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for so many things right now, especially my recent NED scans but it has been a stressful week. Cruz had the whole week off from school and trying to figure out daycare was not fun. He's actually happy to be back to school tomorrow. I think he gets bored easily and he enjoys seeing his friends at school. I wasn't able to go home for the holidays either because I had to work. Cruz and I ended up having our own little Thanksgiving dinner on my day off the day before Thanksgiving. We spent this weekend cleaning, putting up the Christmas tree and just being lazy watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. And to top off the week, Cruz was sick the whole weekend beginning on Thanksgiving Day. He's feeling better now and I'm glad this was my weekend off from work.  Two years ago I wasn't sure if I would still be here watching Cruz grow up and enjoying the holidays but I am so happy that I can still ...

After receiving such great news I should be happy. I should be over the moon happy but instead I feel kind of numb. Obviously I'm grateful that I am still NED. Gives me hope that I will be here to see my grandchildren one day. Unfortunately I'm letting all this happiness be overshadowed by stupid shit. I'm really worried about my financial situation. I'm running out of savings and I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on like this. The bills are taking a toll on me. If I didn't have the medical bills everything would be manageable.  I'm also angry that I'm doing this alone. I mean, I know I can do it alone but I shouldn't have to. Am I being played? I don't know. I hope not because I'm tired of being hurt. Seems to happen to me on a regular basis but I guess it's my own fault for allowing it. And then there's work. I love being a nurse but I don't want to go work in ...

Can I just say that I am so exhausted! I feel like no matter how much sleep I get, I'm just always sleepy and it makes me feel so guilty. I don't want my fatigue to affect Cruz in any way but sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I can't help but fall asleep in the middle of the day. I try to take naps on my days off work while he's at school except for today. I woke up early this morning to drive into San Francisco so that I can get my PET-CT scan and echo. Got into SF at 7am for my 7:30am appointment. I was taken to the back where they started my IV so that I can get the radioactive tracer and the contrast dye. I have to say that the medical assistant did a great job in starting my IV. Didn't hurt one bit but before I had a chance to notice he did swab my arm with Chlorhexidine which I'm allergic to. Not to worry. I just have a small itchy rash. After I received my tracer and drinking a whole water bottle I sat and read for an hour so that the tracer...

I feel so tired today. Just came off 3 days of work and have today off but I go back to work tomorrow. I have so many appointments coming up and I'm trying to re-arrange work around my doctor's appointments but I'm not getting much support this time around. It's so draining to worry about things I can't control. I try not to but it's so difficult. I wish things were easier but they're not. I think I'm going to try and just relax today even though there's so many things I have to do. I have to buy groceries, clean, get my oil changed in my car, get new tires, cook, etc. I'm so exhausted. I also don't know how I'm going to afford new tires since I still can't figure out how I'm going to pay my latest medical bill. I'm stressed that I'm stressed! Tough times. And my stupid scan is coming up real soon. I'm not gonna give you an exact date because I don't want others to worry about it until after it's done. I'...

I really like her new song. Music is a great distraction but sometimes it's too close to home. I'm stressing too much though. Too many things going on and a scan coming up. Makes my liver hurt. Damn cancer.

I need a vacation so bad. The stress is becoming overwhelming but I'm trying to relax on my days off from work. I love being a nurse but I think the people you work with really make a difference and it's hard when someone doesn't support you. Practically all of my coworkers have been supportive of me throughout this shitty diagnosis but all it takes is one person.... I want to feel comfortable going to work. I don't want my panic attacks to come back because of all this stress. I feel like passing out pamphlets of information regarding metastatic breast cancer so people can understand that my immune system sucks now so I WILL get sick. And guess what else? I have doctors appointments. Lots of them. And it's INCURABLE, which means this is not going to just go away.  You know, I get up every morning. I go to work, I take care of Cruz, I go to doctors appointments, I get my infusions, I see a therapist, I clean my house, I run errands, I live my life. Every once in...

I can't believe it's November already! Time keeps flying by. On November 4, 2012 I received my last dose of Taxol and started my maintenance therapy for my cancer. I have been on maintenance therapy for two years and have been NED for two years. I am so grateful for this. To be honest, I wasn't so sure if I would make it this far. Statistics say the survival rate for my diagnosis is 2 years. Can you believe that? Two years. That's definitely not enough time. Cruz needs me. Kids need their Mami's. I'm so happy that I'm still here watching him grow up.  I have a scan coming up and I'm hoping that my maintenance therapy is still working. These medications better still be working because I'm not risking my heart for nothing. My medications can cause heart failure so it better be worth it. I should celebrate, shouldn't I? This is a milestone. I've surpassed the two year survival rate and I hope for many more years to come my way. But who will ce...