I Need to Catch a Break

I'm feeling overwhelmed. This past week has been horrible and it's getting to the point where I don't know how much more my mind and body can take. I need a break. A nice long break to just relax and focus on my health. It's not fun working in a place that just isn't supportive. Most of my co-workers are amazing to work with but it's not right to constantly work in fear. It's not right to have to come home in tears at least once a week. All this stress just isn't good for me. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and not let the politics get to me so much but it does. I just have to remember that I'm there to take care of my patients and I do an amazing job with them. I want my patients to be happy and move towards health so that they can go home. It's been a really difficult year and I wish that people would back me up but I get it, they're afraid too. 

God, I just pray that I will get through this. And I pray that my upcoming scan comes back NED again because if it doesn't, it will throw me over the edge. This next week is gonna be tough once again but I know that I'm strong enough to get through it. But anyway, at least I have something to look forward to. In less than two weeks I will be going on my very first plane ride ever. I'll be on my way to Texas for a Metastatic Breast Cancer conference. I'm finally going to meet people that are going through the same crazy shit that I'm going through and it's gonna feel great. Sounds weird, I know but if you're not going through it then you don't know what it feels like. 

I get frustrated when people think I'm cured just because I look healthy. I may look healthy but I'm not. Most days I have to limit what I eat because I don't want to spend the whole day running to the bathroom. I have to time most of my meals when I'm home because I hate public bathrooms and it's the last place I want to be in an urgent situation. After work, it takes all my energy just to stay awake because I'm so exhausted but I still have work to do at home. It seems like I also have a constant pain in my liver, breast and shoulder that doesn't seem to ever go away. I have to give myself shots every morning so that I don't get another pulmonary embolism and I have to take medication so that I don't let my panic attacks from cancer PTSD control me. And for the most part I'm doing this alone. Not fun but I get through it every day so that I can be here for Cruz. I'll go through whatever it takes to be here as long as I can for him.

Not gonna lie. I wish I had help or at least the support of my friends. A Hawaii vacation maybe? I guess it's not too late to dream. Just pray that my scans are awesome.