reflections

Sometimes the fact that I have cancer seems like a distant memory. Chemo, the pain, the loneliness. I love that feeling of distance. Feeling like I don't have cancer at all. Feeling "normal". Letting myself hope and dream about watching Cruz grow up. Letting go of a toxic relationship and letting myself believe that I deserve better. So, I'm chucking all of the bad stuff in the f**k it bucket. I like this thought. :)

Plant shopping. :) Trying to make myself feel better by buying plants to fill my house inside and out. Making changes is hard but it does get easier each day especially when I have distance from the person that changed my life forever. It's nice to feel some peace in my own home. It's also nice not feeling judged everyday by someone I love. At the same time I still miss him being around and it can get quite lonely at times but I have to decide what's better for me. Being alone and having the chance to find someone that truly loves me, treats me with respect and wants to be with me or be with someone that constantly hurts me and can never fully commit to any woman. Not even the mother of his child. (So if you think he'll commit to you think again.) But anyway...  So far the past two weeks have been really good. Cruz and I are adjusting to this new stability in our lives and it's really working out for us. We're enjoying the fact that I'm still clear of...

Happy Mother's Day! Feliz Dia de las Madres! I had a nice time with Cruz yesterday even though I had a headache and wasn't feeling too great. I managed to be able to take him to get some ice cream and enjoyed the evening watching a movie with my baby. When I got home from work today I found a nice vase of beautiful flowers on my doorstep, which smell wonderful by the way. Overall it was a really good weekend. I think I'm starting to learn that I need to start going after what I deserve. I need to put my feelings aside because "he" will never care and I deserve better than that. I really don't have time to waste on someone that walks away when their significant other has cancer. And if she knows the whole truth or believes in his untruths and still wants to be with him then they deserve each other. Time to move on because I know that there is something or someone better waiting for me. For now I'm happy to enjoy my time with Cruz and I know that...

It's no secret that I go to therapy. After my diagnosis I felt very devastated especially after my partner made no effort to support me emotionally. It was an extremely lonely time for me and it still is in some ways. So, I started seeing a therapist that specializes in oncology as well as a psychiatrist for the medication aspect. I actually enjoy going to therapy because there I feel like I can actually talk about my feelings and concerns without criticism or avoidance. I think a lot of people don't understand the deep feelings of depression and anxiety that come along with this diagnosis so they avoid the issue and the person because it makes them uncomfortable. But that doesn't help us at all. What we need the most is support. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to say; just be there. Help distract us from our own thoughts and fears.  My therapist and psychiatrist have been very helpful in helping me cope with my diagnosis and while I remain hopeful I am a...

This past weekend was a really good weekend even if I had a small cold. I think it was just the break I needed from my hectic life over here all by myself. It was nice to be distracted by my family from the stressful life I'm currently living. I went home because my niece was doing her first communion and I'm her Godmother. We had such a great time. My niece looked so beautiful in her dress and veil. Afterwards we had a barbecue and all the kids had a water balloon fight and ran through the sprinklers. I love how Cruz loves to spend time with his cousins. I wish we lived closer so they could hang out together more often. I want them to be close and that's kind of difficult when we live so far away. We appreciate the times we get to spend in my hometown because there we have family and support.  I feel like I was kept isolated from them for so long because I was made to feel like it's not okay to actually like your family and want to spend time with them. I was always ...

Do you have someone in your life that doesn't seem to want to see you happy? They say they do but their actions don't quite match up with their words. And even their words are sometimes hurtful like wishing that "logistically it would have been better if you had died". He later apologized but then within two months denied that he ever said it. I have someone that fits that exact description and unfortunately I can't just cut him out of my life. I try my best to live my life separate and focus on Cruz and my health but every time I show an ounce of happiness he tries to creep his way back into my life and ruin all my progress. I don't think all the therapy in the world can fix him but I guess I just have to deal with it and not let him get to me so much. I need to empower myself to be the strong woman that I am. I'm just so exhausted emotionally and physically. The last thing I need is someone bringing me down. I tried meditation but I just can't seem...

So, I had my PET-CT scan yesterday and the results are: IMPRESSION: 1. No evidence of metastatic disease. That's right bitches! NED! The above two lines were taken straight out of the report. Let's all breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in, breathe out. Clear for another 3 months. I'm so excited! When I started this stupid journey I never thought that I would be able to be NED for so long. All the research points to a survival rate of 2 years. 2 years! Can you believe it? I just had my 2 year cancerversary in April. I've officially made it 2 years and hopefully I'll have many more because that means I'm still here. So, too bad for my ex but he's not getting rid of me anytime soon.  I'm hoping and praying that I will continue to be NED as long as I possibly can because I know that once the cancer returns it'll be a never-ending process of changing treatments as the cancer becomes smarter. For now my treatments are working and my heart is sti...