reflections

It's been a long month but at the same time it flew by. It just means I'm one month closer to having to go back to work. Ahhhhhh! That's how I feel about that. Please don't think that I don't love being a nurse. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE it! I love my patients. I love taking care of them and being a part of their recovery process. I love making a difference during a tough part of a patient's life. I just don't like being treated like shit every time I go to work. And it's not the patients that do it, just to clarify. I'm just hoping that something works out for me at another facility and SOON cuz I missing taking care of patients. I actually miss inserting a foley catheter. I've been told by patients that I'm pretty good at that so that says something. Lol. I miss giving injections, setting up IV's, hanging IV antibiotics, basically I miss helping my patients.  At the same time, I'm enjoying some parts of my time off. I don't feel so st...

I think everyone needs a good cry once in awhile. Unfortunately for me, I think I get more than my fair share of tears. I don't think most people realize how tough it is to live with cancer and how it affects every single aspect of your life. To be honest, I don't think people want or care to know. People are happy living in their own bubbles which is fine but reach out every once in awhile. That's all I'm saying. I just wish that I could go on an actual vacation to leave all of this behind for a few days and enjoy myself. Hawaii sounds nice, doesn't it?  So far being home on medical leave hasn't been as relaxing as I hoped. It's nice to actually get a little more rest and my pain isn't bothering me as much but there's still the financial stress that just won't go away. It's difficult not to worry about it but I'm really trying not to let it take over my thoughts on a daily basis. I should go out on walks more so that I can clear my min...

Feeling completely overwhelmed and alone tonight. Another death in my Metastatic group this morning which makes 3 in less than a week. All of the women were under 40. So many people have had progression as well and it's really scaring the fuck out of me. At the same time I'm feeling really guilty because I've been doing well for the past two years. I've been sitting here in my bed crying for the past 2 hours. For the women that die every day from this stupid disease, for their families, their children, for me and Cruz. I really hate this. I don't want to be the strong one all the time. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Sometimes I wish we could leave this place and pretend like everything's okay. I don't fit in here anyway. It's just so hard when you don't have a good support system close to you. I'm tired of rejection and feeling like an outcast. I wish I knew someone that lived really close to me that was going through the same th...

I've been feeling kind of sad for the past few days. A few women from our Metastatic community passed away and it sucks. They were too young to die and they were taken from their families because of this stupid disease. It scares me. I knew that by joining support groups for Metastatic Breast Cancer patients I would see this happen but it still really, really sucks. I think it's also hitting me hard because they were all so young and I feel like it's all happening so fast. I feel like one minute you're fine and the next you're not.  I'm fine now but for how long? Months...years? I don't know. I know that we will all die eventually but it's sooo much different when you face death every day. That whole analogy of how we could all be hit by a car tomorrow and die is just frustrating because it's NOT the same as being told you are dying and even given a timeline. In one scenario it's sudden. You're here and then you're gone. You probably do...

So, I've been on leave for a month already. It went by so fast! Time just seems to fly by as an adult. I remember being a kid and it felt like a school year was FOREVER! Didn't it? Now it seems like we just celebrated a New year and it's now almost April. It also seems like it was yesterday that I found the lump on the breast that betrayed me but on April 6 it will be 3 years! 3 years of a mind-fucking experience. The sad part is that it's never going to end but at least I'm alive. I'm still here. For now. And I'm okay with that. And don't give me that shit about how if I stay positive I'll be okay because it's not about staying "positive", it's about learning to live a new normal. I'm just hopeful and I try to live my every day life as normal as possible for as long as I can. And also just for the record: I am NOT giving up sugar or coffee. One thing I will do though is try to exercise more often. I used to exercise at least 4 ...

Getting my infusion. #livingwithcancer I've been on medical leave for a couple of weeks now and I've been sick for half that time. When I get sick now, it just lasts longer thanks to my compromised immune system. I guess it could be worse. I'll take a cough/cold any day as long as it doesn't progress to pneumonia. It's actually been kind of boring being home because since I've been sick I haven't had much time to go hiking or run my errands. I've just been feeling so tired lately and my bones ache so much especially my stupid shoulder. I wish I could say that it will get better and I know that it will, temporarily anyway. At least my liver pain has decreased so I guess that's good. I think the stress from work was just really aggravating all of my symptoms so it's nice to have this break to just focus on feeling better. The highlight of my leave so far is getting my cancer treatments. And thankfully Cruz's dad has stepped up to the pla...

This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip. I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in g...