reflections

Why does growing up still feel like high school? It feels like no matter how old you get you still encounter the same issues. I feel like I'm always going to be the girl on the outside looking in. Even at my age I don't feel like I belong with the other mothers from school. There are only a few that I feel like truly make the effort with me and I feel comfortable hanging out with and asking for help. Maybe I'm just not "friend" material especially now that I have Stage IV cancer. Not sure if maybe my situation scares people or if I'm truly not like-able. I get it that I have a fucked up life right now not including cancer but still...everyone should have someone they can talk to. I used to try to make friends with other people in my neighborhood but I guess I'm not too good at it. I guess I have to get comfortable with being alone. Maybe I'm just too sensitive...I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of trying. Making friends shouldn't ...

As more and more of my friends die and transition to the next step in life I can't help but wonder what it's like. Am I going to be in pain? What's on the other side? Will I be completely gone? Have you read the book Lovely Bones? Will it be like that? Will I have my own heaven and be able to watch Cruz grow up from heaven? Or will I completely forget about my life from earth in order to make the transition easier? Will I be reincarnated and if so, what or who will I be? There are so many questions. I hope that death isn't the end of it all. I also don't want to be in pain. I think that's what scares me the most...the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but I've seen cancer patients at the end of their life...it can be painful. I also know that with the right pain medication, we can help people be as comfortable as possible but it still sucks. So many of my friends have already died and there are so many so close to death. It's overwhelming. And ...

I feel like I made a difference today at work and it wasn't with a patient but with a fellow nurse. It started off with a conversation about power ports and I was telling her how much I loved mine. It makes getting treatment so much easier because it saves my veins from getting poked all the time. Chemo is also very harsh on the veins in the arm so getting all your medication through a bigger vessel is so much easier on the body. My power port is implanted in my left chest. You can see the triangle shape through my skin but it's become a part of me. I'm not embarrassed by it anymore. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. Talking about metastatic breast cancer with another healthcare professional still surprises me. Sometimes I'm shocked by how little nurses and doctors know about Stage IV cancer unless that is their specialty. I experienced it myself when I learned of my diagnosis. It's amazing how many people think metastatic breast cancer is curable because of ...

Can I just say that this past weekend completely sucked! I hate feeling sad. I've been feeling so good lately and BAM!...just like that I spent most of the weekend crying or trying not to cry. Many factors were involved but I haven't been able to get out of this stupid funk. I go between wanting to just sleep to being afraid of the night. And yes, I already take anti-depressants (thanks cancer) and go to therapy occasionally. But anyway... I've gone through a few tests recently. I had a PET-CT scan, endoscopy, chest xray, I have a bone density test coming up and I may have exploratory surgery. The chest xray was for this pain I had been feeling on my right side which turned out to be a broken rib, hence the bone density test coming up. Since it broke with no trauma we want to see how dense my bones are just in case I need to start bone strengthening medications. Once again, thank you cancer for making my body into that of an 80 year old woman. The PET-CT scan was moved up...

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams where I have a baby boy. In my dreams Cruz is always playing with his little brother. The baby boy has more of my features and is darker than Cruz but they still have the same father. It's just so strange because there is absolutely no chance of me having another baby unless it's the miracle of a lifetime. It feels nice though. Having Cruz has changed my whole perspective on having children. I wish that I had been given the opportunity to have at least one more but I guess God had different plans for my life. I'm still not sure what they are because He's sure making life a challenge for me but I'm still here so I guess I'm not finished doing what he has planned for me yet. Right now I'm mostly just focused on school and work. It's definitely been challenging. I feel like I have no time to really enjoy hiking or do some fun things with Cruz because I'm either at work, school or doctors appointments. Even t...

I recently spent a few hours in the ER for severe abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Yep...the highlight of my year. Last Thursday as I was trying to finish my homework for school my body decided that I didn't need any fluids in my body so starting at about 8pm began one of the worst nights of my life. I have never felt so sick. I absolutely HATE throwing up! Diarrhea...I don't mind as much since it has basically become my new normal with my cancer medications. But this...This was out of control. I couldn't even keep down water. I tried to hydrate but it just wasn't happening. And the pain was really intense. So intense that I couldn't stand up straight. At about 11pm I realized that there was no way I would be able to go to work on Friday so I called off which I really hated to do because I really need the money to pay for my health insurance. At 1am I couldn't take it anymore. The pain and vomiting were not ending so I woke up Cruz and walked him o...

Do you ever feel an extreme feeling of disappointment? I've had that feeling for a few weeks now. I'm disappointed in other people and I'm disappointed in myself for letting people treat me wrong. I deserve to be treated with respect and love. I don't know why I accept the way people treat me. I know I shouldn't but it's so difficult to stand up for myself sometimes. I think I've run out of tears though and I don't talk about it much because no one really wants to hear it and I hate the "be positive" conversations. Plus, I know it's my own fault for letting it happen. It's all so confusing but I know I need to take better care of myself. I need to make the decision. It's such a heavy feeling. I don't deserve it. In cancer news, I had an abdominal ultrasound to try and figure out why my liver hurts and everything was normal. No new spots in my liver. The pain could just be the dead cancer cells. It's good news but the pain ...