reflections

I had my fist appointment with my new oncologist today and it was kind of sad. I miss my oncologist at UCSF. She has been with me on this journey for 5 fucking years and it's hard to say goodbye. I hope that one day we can meet again cuz she was awesome. She got me where I am today. I know that it's just luck though. Not everyone responds to treatment so well like I have and I admit that I feel guilty about that. So many friends in my support groups have died and I'm still here. We really need a fucking cure. My appointment went smoothly for the most part. My new oncologist tried to prescribe decadron which is a steroid but I promptly nixed that. I DO NOT want to get on steroids unless absolutely necessary. I don't like the way steroids make me feel or the fact that they make me fat. It's sounds stupid, I know. But right now I feel relatively well and to me steroids are a last resort. I do not believe I need them at this time. I've been doing fine without them...

It's been a lazy day today. Other than going to Costco for groceries and gas I've just been watching movies. I managed to sneak in working out for 40 minutes which was difficult but so worth it because I had intended to go on a hike today but opted to sleep in with the love of my life even though he did a bad job on Mother's Day. Why do so many guys need so much prompting for special occasions? I even had to remind Cruz yesterday that it was Mother's Day. I wasn't looking for much...I at least wanted a home made card but instead I got myself a red velvet cupcake from Sift and ate it for breakfast today. I know...not healthy, but it was for Mother's Day...I mean, I almost died giving birth for God's sake. And now I have Stage 4 cancer and am still working...I deserve a cupcake. And Cruz decided to walk to Starbucks to get me a white mocha, my favorite.  But anyway, I watched the movie Me Before You earlier today and I think I cried for half the movie. The...

It's been a long time since I've written an update and to be honest not much has changed. I just had a PET-CT scan a few weeks ago and everything is still the same...stable. No need to change my medication which is a good thing. I can't help but feel guilty though, due to so many friends that have passed away along the way. Why them and not me? I ask myself this every day. Don't get me wrong...I am so grateful to be alive. I just wish my friends could be just as lucky. Many people have come to say that I'm like a cat (cuz of my name Catalina) with 9 lives. When I was a baby I almost choked on a coin. When I was 25 I almost died of postpartum hemorrhage and ended up in ICU, intubated, and restrained after going into shock and having way too many blood transfusions and fluid boluses (I looked like the Pillsbury doughboy). When I was 31 I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and when I was 32 I got a pulmonary embolism. What next?  So far, things have been going well me...

Ok...so...on Tuesday June 14 I had a bone scan, CT scan of chest and abdomen, and an echo. I've been hesitant to post an update because I think most people either don't care or just don't believe I have cancer anymore. I assure you that I do still have cancer. Once you're Stage IV you can't go back...it is INCURABLE. But I have been one of the lucky ones and I'm still here after the 2-3 year life expectancy. Does that mean I'm cured? NO. It just means that I'm lucky. My CT scan of my abdomen showed that the liver spots are still gone but I still have some lung nodules that were never biopsied that are stable. We're just going with the "wait and see" plan with those. They've never grown so that's good but I'd rather not biopsy unless they cause problems. If you don't know...biopsies hurt. My breast tumors are still gone as well. I never had a mastectomy so yes, these are my real boobs and if you've read my previous blogs ...

Why does growing up still feel like high school? It feels like no matter how old you get you still encounter the same issues. I feel like I'm always going to be the girl on the outside looking in. Even at my age I don't feel like I belong with the other mothers from school. There are only a few that I feel like truly make the effort with me and I feel comfortable hanging out with and asking for help. Maybe I'm just not "friend" material especially now that I have Stage IV cancer. Not sure if maybe my situation scares people or if I'm truly not like-able. I get it that I have a fucked up life right now not including cancer but still...everyone should have someone they can talk to. I used to try to make friends with other people in my neighborhood but I guess I'm not too good at it. I guess I have to get comfortable with being alone. Maybe I'm just too sensitive...I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of trying. Making friends shouldn't ...

As more and more of my friends die and transition to the next step in life I can't help but wonder what it's like. Am I going to be in pain? What's on the other side? Will I be completely gone? Have you read the book Lovely Bones? Will it be like that? Will I have my own heaven and be able to watch Cruz grow up from heaven? Or will I completely forget about my life from earth in order to make the transition easier? Will I be reincarnated and if so, what or who will I be? There are so many questions. I hope that death isn't the end of it all. I also don't want to be in pain. I think that's what scares me the most...the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but I've seen cancer patients at the end of their life...it can be painful. I also know that with the right pain medication, we can help people be as comfortable as possible but it still sucks. So many of my friends have already died and there are so many so close to death. It's overwhelming. And ...

I feel like I made a difference today at work and it wasn't with a patient but with a fellow nurse. It started off with a conversation about power ports and I was telling her how much I loved mine. It makes getting treatment so much easier because it saves my veins from getting poked all the time. Chemo is also very harsh on the veins in the arm so getting all your medication through a bigger vessel is so much easier on the body. My power port is implanted in my left chest. You can see the triangle shape through my skin but it's become a part of me. I'm not embarrassed by it anymore. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. Talking about metastatic breast cancer with another healthcare professional still surprises me. Sometimes I'm shocked by how little nurses and doctors know about Stage IV cancer unless that is their specialty. I experienced it myself when I learned of my diagnosis. It's amazing how many people think metastatic breast cancer is curable because of ...