reflections

How do you forgive someone? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't want to die hating someone so I'm trying to find that inner peace or whatever it is that will help me learn how to forgive someone. I really thought I was getting there but the person just had to ruin it. I guess it'll just take some time. I'm just not sure when I'll reach my breaking point. So many broken promises... Maybe yoga and meditation? Nahhh. My attention span is horrible. I think eventually it'll come to me. Right now, at this moment, I wish I could just pick up and leave. Travel somewhere with my Cruz. Visit family in Mexico, visit all the pyramids in the world, take a road trip across the country, go to Europe. There's so many things I want to do and so many things I want Cruz to see.  Life is just hard at this moment but I'm taking it one day at a time. I should be happy right now, right? I'm NED and my recent tumor markers came back normal once again. ...

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed. I think I just need to become more assertive with my decisions. I'm just tired of the one being hurt all the time and letting people take advantage of me. It's my own fault though because I always want to please everyone and I don't speak up when I should. I'm getting better at communicating my feelings though because I realize that I need to take care of myself. But now that I am standing up for myself I'm feeling the backlash and it's hard. I have to learn how to let it go, brush it off and move on. It's definitely not that easy but I know it's for the best.  I guess I just need some peace and stability in my life.  The school year has also just begun and Cruz has started the third grade. He's getting so big and I can't believe so much time has passed. I remember when he started kindergarten. I guess time is just flying by. He'll probably be as tall as I am within the next two years. I enjoy watching ...

I'm so frustrated today. Everyone is getting on my last nerve and I have no patience for idiots anymore. The staffing situation at work is just horrible. It's getting to a point where I dread going to work and everyone feels the same way. They keep giving us more work and responsibilities but with less help. Seriously? Do they even care about patient care anymore?  I just wish for some peace right now. I'm trying to take some deep breaths and relax. It's been a tough day and I'm trying to make myself make some tough choices. Sometimes I just want to yell at people to make up their damn mind and stop hurting people. I also need to stop letting people walk all over me. I just want to scream right now cuz I'm  so angry! I'm angry about work. I'm angry that I have cancer. I'm angry that I let some people take advantage of me. I'm angry that I have to do this alone.  I wish I had family closer so that I can have more support over here. I need to...

I think my wish to have a good, decent birthday has finally come true. Even though I had to work it was still okay. My co-workers got me a cake, flowers, balloon and a gift card to get my favorite thing: coffee! I'm addicted to coffee. It's my top vice and I'm okay with that. I also went out to dinner with my favorite little man and my niece where I got to wear a big sombrero while the staff sang happy birthday to me. I got to drink my favorite margarita and later on that evening went out for a beer with a friend. And yesterday I went out to dinner with more good friends and the celebration will continue at the end of the week. So far, good birthday. To top it off I had a patient who thought I was 23! It's always nice when people think I'm younger. Most people don't believe I'm in my 30's. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm in my 30's. It's kind of funny to think that here I am trying not to die young but also worrying about getting ol...

Love Belanova! Feeling nostalgic.

Working these past two days has really wiped me out. I'm so tired. Having mixed emotions about everything going on right now. What am I doing?

I think I've kind of lost count with how many PET-CT scans I've had but I had one of many this week. And the results are in: NO EVIDENCE OF METASTATIC DISEASE! So far I've been NED for about 21 months and it's such a great feeling. It really does give me hope that I WILL be around to watch Cruz grow up. I know that eventually my disease will catch up to me but I have to continue to enjoy the present. It's not that easy though so don't judge me if I'm not all sunshine and flowers every day.  Right now my main focus is mostly trying to save money so I can pay off medical expenses. I'm a single mom with cancer living in the Bay Area. That's three strikes but so far I'm able to do it on my own. Tight budget but manageable. I have to prepare for the future though and I really need to start putting more money away for Cruz. I want to make sure he's taken care of so I recently became an independent consultant with Rodan & Fields. If you wo...

It's a Lana Del Rey kind of day today. Love her music. And last but not least. Don't read into it too much. I just like the songs. To end this brief post I'm including a pic of my new hair color. What do you think? I'm still waiting for it to grow longer though.