reflections

My fear o f dying in my sleep has returned with a vengeance. I first felt it when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2012. I got it under control for a few years when I accepted my problem and started taking Lexapro which is an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It was a side effect of my clinical trial chemotherapy medication, all of us on the trial developed panic attacks. But recently it's gotten bad again. I'm so scared of falling asleep that my body fights it. I stay up most of the night and fall asleep at random times. I end up waking up in a major panic. It's a terrible feeling. And my acid reflux has gotten so bad that I end up throwing up. I don't even want to eat anymore because I hate nausea and vomiting. My nurses were worried about me at my last infusion cuz they felt I was disoriented from Ativan but to be honest I was just so fucking tired. I hadn't slept very much in days but going to my chemo infusions make me feel safe because I'm around medi...

I've been having a really tough time this week. One of my good friends died and I'm struggling. Our other friend died a couple of months ago so losing another friend in such a short time has affected me. All I've been doing is crying. I'm so dehydrated. I can't even eat which is probably a good thing since I've gained weight recently. Plus, my sister died in December. I thought I could handle all this death around me but I'm starting to think that maybe I can't but the thing is...I have no choice. Death is going to continue to happen because I've entered this new world where death happens all the time. I have Stage 4 fucking cancer and yes...my friends are going to die and it's not fucking fair.  I've decided I'm going to her funeral. I need to say goodbye. I miss her and my other friend so much already. Plus, I feel guilty. Why are they gone and I'm still here? We have the same disease. Why do some of us live longer? I don't ge...

So, I deleted my last post about abuse because I got really fucking scared. The fear never goes away but anyway..... Since my breakup I tried to start dating but to be honest it's not working out. I just don't think anyone wants to date anyone with Stage 4 cancer. I can't guarantee that I will live a long time and I can't have any children. I'm at an age where some people want children and I just can't give them biological children. I lost the ability to carry a child at 25 years old and lost the ability to have biological children at 31 when I started treatment for cancer. I actually took the initiative once to ask someone out and got totally rejected. It wasn't a good feeling. I don't know how guys do it. It's a real mind fuck. For now I'm just going to focus on myself and Cruz. We've had so much bad luck recently that we can't take anymore rejection. I think that we're going to take a trip tomorrow because we need some kind of ...

Sometime this morning: I'm sitting here in the infusion center at the moment getting my chemo drugs and also starting to feel really sleepy from the Benadryl. Being on Benadryl is such a weird feeling because I'm so sleepy but I try to fight it until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I think it's because I'm still afraid to fall asleep and not wake up. It's an irrational thought, I know. Plus, it's April...my Cancerversary month. 6 years ago in the month of April I found out I had Metastatic breast cancer. I found the tumor on April 6, went to the doctor on April 9, got an ultrasound and mammogram April 10, biopsy on April 11, told I had HER2+ breast cancer on April 12, PET scan and bone scan April 26, and found out it had already spread to my liver on April 27. The only date I can't remember is the day I had the breast MRI to get an accurate size of the tumor. Turns out I had 3 tumors in my right breast measuring 7cm, 3cm and 1cm. I also had 2 lesions on...

Sorry I have been MIA for so long. There have been so many changes in my life since the last post. After being with my new oncologist for a few months, I actually really like her. I still miss UCSF but things are going well with my oncologist other than the fact that I didn't have health insurance for two months so I have basically missed chemo for 2 months. Why did I lose my health insurance? Well...it all started in October (kind of). I came home one day and Cruz's father had moved out without a word or explanation. I guess he doesn't have to tell me because I know why and if you know me, then you know why too but to leave just like that was a shit move. Since then, Cruz and I have barely seen him and I'm not sure if we ever will at this point. Won't go into details. Needless to say, Cruz and I are on our own. I ended up finding a job in my hometown and moved back home to save money but I kept my old job as per diem just in case things didn't work out. Well,...

I had my fist appointment with my new oncologist today and it was kind of sad. I miss my oncologist at UCSF. She has been with me on this journey for 5 fucking years and it's hard to say goodbye. I hope that one day we can meet again cuz she was awesome. She got me where I am today. I know that it's just luck though. Not everyone responds to treatment so well like I have and I admit that I feel guilty about that. So many friends in my support groups have died and I'm still here. We really need a fucking cure. My appointment went smoothly for the most part. My new oncologist tried to prescribe decadron which is a steroid but I promptly nixed that. I DO NOT want to get on steroids unless absolutely necessary. I don't like the way steroids make me feel or the fact that they make me fat. It's sounds stupid, I know. But right now I feel relatively well and to me steroids are a last resort. I do not believe I need them at this time. I've been doing fine without them...

It's been a lazy day today. Other than going to Costco for groceries and gas I've just been watching movies. I managed to sneak in working out for 40 minutes which was difficult but so worth it because I had intended to go on a hike today but opted to sleep in with the love of my life even though he did a bad job on Mother's Day. Why do so many guys need so much prompting for special occasions? I even had to remind Cruz yesterday that it was Mother's Day. I wasn't looking for much...I at least wanted a home made card but instead I got myself a red velvet cupcake from Sift and ate it for breakfast today. I know...not healthy, but it was for Mother's Day...I mean, I almost died giving birth for God's sake. And now I have Stage 4 cancer and am still working...I deserve a cupcake. And Cruz decided to walk to Starbucks to get me a white mocha, my favorite.  But anyway, I watched the movie Me Before You earlier today and I think I cried for half the movie. The...

It's been a long time since I've written an update and to be honest not much has changed. I just had a PET-CT scan a few weeks ago and everything is still the same...stable. No need to change my medication which is a good thing. I can't help but feel guilty though, due to so many friends that have passed away along the way. Why them and not me? I ask myself this every day. Don't get me wrong...I am so grateful to be alive. I just wish my friends could be just as lucky. Many people have come to say that I'm like a cat (cuz of my name Catalina) with 9 lives. When I was a baby I almost choked on a coin. When I was 25 I almost died of postpartum hemorrhage and ended up in ICU, intubated, and restrained after going into shock and having way too many blood transfusions and fluid boluses (I looked like the Pillsbury doughboy). When I was 31 I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and when I was 32 I got a pulmonary embolism. What next?  So far, things have been going well me...

Ok...so...on Tuesday June 14 I had a bone scan, CT scan of chest and abdomen, and an echo. I've been hesitant to post an update because I think most people either don't care or just don't believe I have cancer anymore. I assure you that I do still have cancer. Once you're Stage IV you can't go back...it is INCURABLE. But I have been one of the lucky ones and I'm still here after the 2-3 year life expectancy. Does that mean I'm cured? NO. It just means that I'm lucky. My CT scan of my abdomen showed that the liver spots are still gone but I still have some lung nodules that were never biopsied that are stable. We're just going with the "wait and see" plan with those. They've never grown so that's good but I'd rather not biopsy unless they cause problems. If you don't know...biopsies hurt. My breast tumors are still gone as well. I never had a mastectomy so yes, these are my real boobs and if you've read my previous blogs ...

Why does growing up still feel like high school? It feels like no matter how old you get you still encounter the same issues. I feel like I'm always going to be the girl on the outside looking in. Even at my age I don't feel like I belong with the other mothers from school. There are only a few that I feel like truly make the effort with me and I feel comfortable hanging out with and asking for help. Maybe I'm just not "friend" material especially now that I have Stage IV cancer. Not sure if maybe my situation scares people or if I'm truly not like-able. I get it that I have a fucked up life right now not including cancer but still...everyone should have someone they can talk to. I used to try to make friends with other people in my neighborhood but I guess I'm not too good at it. I guess I have to get comfortable with being alone. Maybe I'm just too sensitive...I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of trying. Making friends shouldn't ...

As more and more of my friends die and transition to the next step in life I can't help but wonder what it's like. Am I going to be in pain? What's on the other side? Will I be completely gone? Have you read the book Lovely Bones? Will it be like that? Will I have my own heaven and be able to watch Cruz grow up from heaven? Or will I completely forget about my life from earth in order to make the transition easier? Will I be reincarnated and if so, what or who will I be? There are so many questions. I hope that death isn't the end of it all. I also don't want to be in pain. I think that's what scares me the most...the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but I've seen cancer patients at the end of their life...it can be painful. I also know that with the right pain medication, we can help people be as comfortable as possible but it still sucks. So many of my friends have already died and there are so many so close to death. It's overwhelming. And ...

I feel like I made a difference today at work and it wasn't with a patient but with a fellow nurse. It started off with a conversation about power ports and I was telling her how much I loved mine. It makes getting treatment so much easier because it saves my veins from getting poked all the time. Chemo is also very harsh on the veins in the arm so getting all your medication through a bigger vessel is so much easier on the body. My power port is implanted in my left chest. You can see the triangle shape through my skin but it's become a part of me. I'm not embarrassed by it anymore. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. Talking about metastatic breast cancer with another healthcare professional still surprises me. Sometimes I'm shocked by how little nurses and doctors know about Stage IV cancer unless that is their specialty. I experienced it myself when I learned of my diagnosis. It's amazing how many people think metastatic breast cancer is curable because of ...

Can I just say that this past weekend completely sucked! I hate feeling sad. I've been feeling so good lately and BAM!...just like that I spent most of the weekend crying or trying not to cry. Many factors were involved but I haven't been able to get out of this stupid funk. I go between wanting to just sleep to being afraid of the night. And yes, I already take anti-depressants (thanks cancer) and go to therapy occasionally. But anyway... I've gone through a few tests recently. I had a PET-CT scan, endoscopy, chest xray, I have a bone density test coming up and I may have exploratory surgery. The chest xray was for this pain I had been feeling on my right side which turned out to be a broken rib, hence the bone density test coming up. Since it broke with no trauma we want to see how dense my bones are just in case I need to start bone strengthening medications. Once again, thank you cancer for making my body into that of an 80 year old woman. The PET-CT scan was moved up...

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams where I have a baby boy. In my dreams Cruz is always playing with his little brother. The baby boy has more of my features and is darker than Cruz but they still have the same father. It's just so strange because there is absolutely no chance of me having another baby unless it's the miracle of a lifetime. It feels nice though. Having Cruz has changed my whole perspective on having children. I wish that I had been given the opportunity to have at least one more but I guess God had different plans for my life. I'm still not sure what they are because He's sure making life a challenge for me but I'm still here so I guess I'm not finished doing what he has planned for me yet. Right now I'm mostly just focused on school and work. It's definitely been challenging. I feel like I have no time to really enjoy hiking or do some fun things with Cruz because I'm either at work, school or doctors appointments. Even t...

I recently spent a few hours in the ER for severe abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Yep...the highlight of my year. Last Thursday as I was trying to finish my homework for school my body decided that I didn't need any fluids in my body so starting at about 8pm began one of the worst nights of my life. I have never felt so sick. I absolutely HATE throwing up! Diarrhea...I don't mind as much since it has basically become my new normal with my cancer medications. But this...This was out of control. I couldn't even keep down water. I tried to hydrate but it just wasn't happening. And the pain was really intense. So intense that I couldn't stand up straight. At about 11pm I realized that there was no way I would be able to go to work on Friday so I called off which I really hated to do because I really need the money to pay for my health insurance. At 1am I couldn't take it anymore. The pain and vomiting were not ending so I woke up Cruz and walked him o...

Do you ever feel an extreme feeling of disappointment? I've had that feeling for a few weeks now. I'm disappointed in other people and I'm disappointed in myself for letting people treat me wrong. I deserve to be treated with respect and love. I don't know why I accept the way people treat me. I know I shouldn't but it's so difficult to stand up for myself sometimes. I think I've run out of tears though and I don't talk about it much because no one really wants to hear it and I hate the "be positive" conversations. Plus, I know it's my own fault for letting it happen. It's all so confusing but I know I need to take better care of myself. I need to make the decision. It's such a heavy feeling. I don't deserve it. In cancer news, I had an abdominal ultrasound to try and figure out why my liver hurts and everything was normal. No new spots in my liver. The pain could just be the dead cancer cells. It's good news but the pain ...

I'm feeling sad today. Another friend with metastatic breast cancer died yesterday. She was only 30 years old. That's right...she was 30. In a way I feel as though it happened so suddenly. I know I've said this before and I don't know why I feel shocked every time, but I do. She had been in the hospital recently and was released on the 13th. She went back to the hospital on Sunday and died on Tuesday. She had just posted an update on her blog too. I really didn't expect that she would deteriorate so quickly and that's what scares me. I know we all have Stage IV breast cancer in my groups and that we have the death sentence hanging over our heads but somehow I still don't think it will happen just like that. Here one minute and gone the next. There are some of us that die gradually but lately I feel like it keeps happening unexpectedly. For a cancer patient I am pretty healthy and probably healthier than some of my mets friends considering I have limited meta...

I have officially resigned from my job. I hate to quit on something but the management and the organization were wearing me down. I just don't need that negative and toxic environment in my life. The past two years at that place were horrible. I feel like I let them win by leaving but at the same time I feel like this weight has been lifted off of me. The only thing keeping me there were the health benefits and now that they took that away there's no reason for me to stay. The way they have treated me is just not right. I know it's the same for other employees but people need their jobs. I'm just disappointed I guess and sad that I don't get to say goodbye to the coworkers that did support me. I need to work for an organization that accepts my cancer and accommodates my needs when the time comes. You'd think that a healthcare organization would understand that the best. But anyway.... I am now going to work for a different hospital. So far the people I have me...

I guess you need an update don't you. Some of you may be anxiously waiting to hear the results of my PET-CT scan which I had this past Monday. Well, the results are in and apparently I am NED!!! No Evidence of Active Disease at this moment. The spot in my breast has resolved itself but there is something on my liver which they believe is just a liver hemangioma. Considering that my cancer metastasized to my liver I don't quite enjoy having a hemangioma because all I can think about is that it could possibly trigger the cancer in my liver to become active. And that's not something I want because cancer in the liver hurts...and burns. It doesn't feel good. The pain that I have right now is enough, I don't want the burning to come back.  Otherwise I am extremely happy and grateful with my results. I am grateful to have more time with Perjeta and Herceptin. They're my two best friends right now. They're keeping that cancer nice and stable without growth and...

Lately I dread checking my mail. Sometimes I'll go a whole week not checking it because all I want to do is cry as I look through the stack of medical bills that keep coming. It's a stressful event. I look through them and I know that some of them are mistakes but not all of them. And even if they are mistakes, the process of having to call the billing office to have them billed correctly is overwhelming! I just haven't been able to handle it lately. And to top it off, I'm losing my health insurance. To go into the details is too much at the moment but let's just say that the job that gives me health benefits is not exactly supportive. I now have to pay for it and the price is definitely high. Most likely over $700 a month. And no, I don't qualify for anything much cheaper because of my income last year. Yes, nurses make good income but for a cancer patient it is NOT enough. Even if I made the tightest budget ever, it still wouldn't be enough to pay off this...