reflections

Do you have someone in your life that doesn't seem to want to see you happy? They say they do but their actions don't quite match up with their words. And even their words are sometimes hurtful like wishing that "logistically it would have been better if you had died". He later apologized but then within two months denied that he ever said it. I have someone that fits that exact description and unfortunately I can't just cut him out of my life. I try my best to live my life separate and focus on Cruz and my health but every time I show an ounce of happiness he tries to creep his way back into my life and ruin all my progress. I don't think all the therapy in the world can fix him but I guess I just have to deal with it and not let him get to me so much. I need to empower myself to be the strong woman that I am. I'm just so exhausted emotionally and physically. The last thing I need is someone bringing me down. I tried meditation but I just can't seem...

So, I had my PET-CT scan yesterday and the results are: IMPRESSION: 1. No evidence of metastatic disease. That's right bitches! NED! The above two lines were taken straight out of the report. Let's all breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in, breathe out. Clear for another 3 months. I'm so excited! When I started this stupid journey I never thought that I would be able to be NED for so long. All the research points to a survival rate of 2 years. 2 years! Can you believe it? I just had my 2 year cancerversary in April. I've officially made it 2 years and hopefully I'll have many more because that means I'm still here. So, too bad for my ex but he's not getting rid of me anytime soon.  I'm hoping and praying that I will continue to be NED as long as I possibly can because I know that once the cancer returns it'll be a never-ending process of changing treatments as the cancer becomes smarter. For now my treatments are working and my heart is sti...

Had a tough day today. I feel like I have to make myself believe in some way that I deserve better than all of this. And I'm not just talking about cancer. The whole process would have been easier if my boyfriend at the time had shown an interest in my health and provided me with the emotional support that I needed. Giving me rides once in awhile and dropping me off don't count. Not once did he go in to hear what the doctors have to say or watched me lay in bed as the poison entered my body while holding my hand. Fortunately one of my sisters was able to be there with me through practically every chemo. A couple of friends were able to help as well and they didn't just drop me off either. If the roles were reversed I would have been there for him through everything. I would take him to chemo, hold his hand, be there with him during every single doctor appointment because that's what people do when they love someone. And I would do so much more if it came down to it. Is ...

This post consists of random thoughts that have come to my mind recently. I watched the show True Tori last night on my computer. I'm sure many people know the story of how Tori Spelling's husband cheated on her so now she has a show documenting them working on their marriage. I have so many thoughts on this subject. Her specific situation is just a little bit different. While no one deserves to be cheated on, you kind of have to take into account how their relationship started in the first place. Both Tori and her husband cheated on their previous spouses with each other so their relationship started with deception in the first place. I'm not sure how you can truly trust someone when you know their history of cheating. Did she really think she would be the exception? It is terrible though because like I said before; no one deserves to be cheated on. So, I kind of feel sorry for her. I'm not sure why people cheat or why people become involved with people who are alr...

Recently someone has made me feel like I shouldn't express my emotions about my cancer. For the most part, I put on my happy face for people but I feel like I should be able to share my true feelings once in awhile. Lately I've been really good about not thinking about it too much but since my scan is coming up I can't help but feel a little emotional. This scan could change my life once again and I should be allowed to cry if I want to. It doesn't mean that I want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want some support. I don't think that's too much to ask for. If you couldn't give it to me before you can at least give it to me now, right? It's kind of funny too because this same person keeps telling me that I should communicate more but I guess they only want to hear what they want to hear. Anything that requires a little bit of empathy is off limits. Everything is always going to be my fault. Am I supposed to pretend that I'm fine all the time? Th...

I was cleaning my room the other day and I found one of my wigs. Decided to put it on today because I miss having my long hair. Can't wait until it grows. :)

I recently had to have my oncologist fill out some paperwork for me and there was one section that really got to me. It asked for the duration of my condition and the answer was Lifetime. It kind of sucks that it's true. I'm going to deal with this for the rest of my life. Kind of depressing, right? The good thing though is that the paperwork is helping my quality of life. Having cancer causes a lot of stress, pain and fatigue so there's no way I can work 5 days a week. Not to mention the multiple doctor's appointments that I need to make time for. So, I never really have time off. Doctor's offices are my second home. I had my infusion of Herceptin and Perjeta yesterday and I feel like I'm still feeling the effects. I'm so tired and all I want to do is sleep but good sleep never comes to me. I wake up at least every 2 hours and I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. I've also been having a lot of neuropathy today so my hands have bee...

I just like this song. Music can help lift my spirits sometimes. :)

I've been following Kris's blog for awhile now and she has given me a lot of hope. She was diagnosed at age 23 with Stage IV breast cancer. She recently released a documentary. I've posted the video which I hope you watch. Enjoy!

April is not a good month for me. It's full of cancerversaries. On April 6 I found the lump that would change my life forever. On April 12 I got what I thought was the worst news of my life; I had breast cancer. On April 26 I got even worse news; I had metastatic breast cancer AND it's INCURABLE. So yeah, April sucks! I try my best not to think about it too much and try to enjoy my life as much as possible but it can be difficult. I have to say that I do have moments when I do feel "normal". It feels really good when I have those days and despite this being a terrible month for me, today was one of those days. I got to spend my time after work watching Cruz play baseball and that's so much better than thinking about cancer. In fact I had completely forgotten about the meaning of April 6 until just a few minutes ago. I guess that's showing some progress. I hope to have many more days like this. My biggest wish is for Cruz and I to be happy and to enjoy our time...

My Lovenox delivery. In September of 2012 I started giving myself Lovenox shots to treat my pulmonary embolism that developed due to my cancer. Since then I've given myself close to 1,000 shots. It started out with 2 shots a day with a total of 120mg a day and then changed to 1 shot a day with a total of 80mg a day. I'll continue to do this for probably the rest of my life. No end in sight but I'm okay with that. I wouldn't mind someone giving me my shots for me once in awhile though. It's nice to have a break from having to stick myself and blame someone else for my bruise. Any volunteers? 10 days worth of shots.

Reading letters at the UCSF Cancer Infusion Center. Last Friday I went to UCSF for my infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta and I got a nice surprise. Apparently a local school had donated blankets to the cancer infusion center to give to us cancer patients. The blankets are meant to bring us some warmth and comfort while we're getting our infusions. With the blankets came some letters from the students who made them. They were so sweet to read and some of them had addresses asking for a response to the letters. I'm still thinking about writing back or not. It looks like the letters and blankets were made about two years ago. They were put into storage and I guess forgotten about until now. So, now I have a blanket to take with me to my infusions. Somehow it's always so cold in hospitals. I like going to my infusions. Going to the cancer infusion center is the only place where I feel like it's okay to be me. With everyone else I feel like I have to pretend that I'm...