Once Again, It's Okay to Cry!

Recently someone has made me feel like I shouldn't express my emotions about my cancer. For the most part, I put on my happy face for people but I feel like I should be able to share my true feelings once in awhile. Lately I've been really good about not thinking about it too much but since my scan is coming up I can't help but feel a little emotional. This scan could change my life once again and I should be allowed to cry if I want to. It doesn't mean that I want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want some support. I don't think that's too much to ask for. If you couldn't give it to me before you can at least give it to me now, right? It's kind of funny too because this same person keeps telling me that I should communicate more but I guess they only want to hear what they want to hear. Anything that requires a little bit of empathy is off limits. Everything is always going to be my fault.

Am I supposed to pretend that I'm fine all the time? That I'm cured? I understand that I need to stay strong and fight which is what I feel I AM doing but it's okay to break down sometimes. Just as long as it's not all the time. So, please don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes. 

I feel like most of my days I spend my time helping some of my patient's get through their days by showing them that you can live a good life while living with a chronic, life threatening disease. They often wonder how I can work with a smile on my face knowing that I have a time limit but to be honest, anyone can do it. Sure, at the beginning it was really difficult not to think about it every second of the day and want to cry your eyes out but you get to a point when you realize that you just have to do it. You live one day at a time and while there are many days when it becomes overwhelming there are still days when it's manageable. I have to keep going for Cruz.  I'm afraid that without me in his life he won't be the man that he could be which is a decent family man. He's my motivation in life. My motivation to keep fighting. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I definitely have issues to work on but in the end I have to be the best role model I can be for Cruz while I'm here. I'm going to continue to allow myself to have those overwhelming days when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry but when I'm done I'll get right back to being the best mom I can be. And to end this on a good note. I recently had my tumor markers taken and they are still in the NORMAL range! I hope this means I'll have another clean scan coming up.

P.S. To whom it may concern: Maybe if you stopped playing with my feelings, going back and forth with your decisions, and stopped trying to break me down I wouldn't need to cry. It's hard enough dealing with cancer. 

Cruz showing his missing front teeth and me in my wig. :)