reflections

This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip. I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in g...

Have you ever had that feeling like you don't belong? That's the way I'm feeling now. I've always been a shy person. I'm more of an introvert but when you get to know me, you realize that I'm not too quiet. All through elementary, junior high and high school I was pretty quiet and rarely talked but I did have a few close friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. I'm definitely more open now than in the past. I'm sure they would agree. To those few friends, I want to say thank you for sticking by me. When I went to college I was definitely even more open but I definitely wasn't the "partier" of the school. I wanted that experience and I managed to go through some crazy things with the friends I did have in college but once again I wasn't considered one of the most outgoing and popular kids on campus. I made a few friends in nursing school but the ones I considered close friends quickly faded away. I understand that life happen...

I think my wish to have a good, decent birthday has finally come true. Even though I had to work it was still okay. My co-workers got me a cake, flowers, balloon and a gift card to get my favorite thing: coffee! I'm addicted to coffee. It's my top vice and I'm okay with that. I also went out to dinner with my favorite little man and my niece where I got to wear a big sombrero while the staff sang happy birthday to me. I got to drink my favorite margarita and later on that evening went out for a beer with a friend. And yesterday I went out to dinner with more good friends and the celebration will continue at the end of the week. So far, good birthday. To top it off I had a patient who thought I was 23! It's always nice when people think I'm younger. Most people don't believe I'm in my 30's. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm in my 30's. It's kind of funny to think that here I am trying not to die young but also worrying about getting ol...

I had a dream last night that my hair was so long it reached my waist. It felt really real but like all dreams it faded into reality when I woke up. I miss my hair but at least I can put it up in a tiny pony tail which is what I did today so I could work out. My workouts are very sporadic and I really need to get back into it. I definitely need to build my endurance. I feel like I'm out of breath so quickly. This used to happen before I even knew I had cancer. I used to work out 4-5 times a week at home and there were days when I would get so exhausted that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I told the doctor about it but they would just check me for anemia and of course blood tests always came out fine. Oh well, can't change the past.  For now, I just want to know what it feels like to make it through a workout without stopping and feeling my hair down my back. Everyone tells me that I have good bone structure for short hair which is good to know but I still want my long hair...

Feeling so blah today. Tomorrow is Cruz's birthday party with his friends and I feel like I have to pump myself up for it. I found out something today that is really upsetting me and I can't stop thinking about it. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with cancer but I just can't take any bad news right now, no matter where it comes from. I just want things to get better. Or at least not suck. That would be nice. Sometimes it feels like things are looking up but it just never really does. Life is a big tease right now. I really need something awesome to happen before my birthday so I can have some hope that life will get better. I make wishes all the time and I'm really hoping that a few come true soon.  To be honest, I'm just tired of being strong in front of people. Why should I have to hold back just to make other people comfortable? Why do I always have to be the strong one? For Cruz I will be strong but please let me be vulnerable sometimes. All I know is th...

I've been thinking about my birthday a lot recently since it's in a couple of months and I really hope that I have an awesome birthday this year. My last two birthdays have been kind of horrible and I'm hoping that this year my luck will turn around. I would love to have a birthday party but to be honest I'm not sure anyone would even come. I don't have very many friends out here where I live and I'm sure everyone's busy anyway. I'm also not very good at planning parties. I guess I just want to forget about all the bad stuff that's happened to me over the past two years. I want to be able to celebrate life and the fact that I'm still here and fighting. I just feel so alone out here sometimes and I want to feel like people actually care. Does that make sense? All I can do is try I guess. I think that sometimes my current life experiences are just too overwhelming for some people. They don't know what to say so they just pull away or don'...