reflections

I think everyone needs a good cry once in awhile. Unfortunately for me, I think I get more than my fair share of tears. I don't think most people realize how tough it is to live with cancer and how it affects every single aspect of your life. To be honest, I don't think people want or care to know. People are happy living in their own bubbles which is fine but reach out every once in awhile. That's all I'm saying. I just wish that I could go on an actual vacation to leave all of this behind for a few days and enjoy myself. Hawaii sounds nice, doesn't it?  So far being home on medical leave hasn't been as relaxing as I hoped. It's nice to actually get a little more rest and my pain isn't bothering me as much but there's still the financial stress that just won't go away. It's difficult not to worry about it but I'm really trying not to let it take over my thoughts on a daily basis. I should go out on walks more so that I can clear my min...

I've been feeling kind of sad for the past few days. A few women from our Metastatic community passed away and it sucks. They were too young to die and they were taken from their families because of this stupid disease. It scares me. I knew that by joining support groups for Metastatic Breast Cancer patients I would see this happen but it still really, really sucks. I think it's also hitting me hard because they were all so young and I feel like it's all happening so fast. I feel like one minute you're fine and the next you're not.  I'm fine now but for how long? Months...years? I don't know. I know that we will all die eventually but it's sooo much different when you face death every day. That whole analogy of how we could all be hit by a car tomorrow and die is just frustrating because it's NOT the same as being told you are dying and even given a timeline. In one scenario it's sudden. You're here and then you're gone. You probably do...

The good news is that I had my scan on Monday and everything is good. Still NED! I'm really happy about that but at the same time I feel guilty because I'm doing so well. There are other women in my cancer groups that aren't doing so well and it sucks. Cancer sucks! Too many young people dying from this stupid disease. Eventually it'll be my turn but I hope that it's a long time from now.  Sometimes I wonder how many people still even care about my updates. I think people take it for granted that my scans have been good for so long and they forget that it's never really over for me. It's a constant battle physically, emotionally and mentally. Lately it's been extremely overwhelming but this bit of good news this week has already lifted some of the heavy weight off my shoulders. My oncologist and I have come to the decision that it's time for me to take some time to regroup and get a break from the stress from my job. It's not the job that's...

I'm feeling overwhelmed. This past week has been horrible and it's getting to the point where I don't know how much more my mind and body can take. I need a break. A nice long break to just relax and focus on my health. It's not fun working in a place that just isn't supportive. Most of my co-workers are amazing to work with but it's not right to constantly work in fear. It's not right to have to come home in tears at least once a week. All this stress just isn't good for me. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and not let the politics get to me so much but it does. I just have to remember that I'm there to take care of my patients and I do an amazing job with them. I want my patients to be happy and move towards health so that they can go home. It's been a really difficult year and I wish that people would back me up but I get it, they're afraid too.  God, I just pray that I will get through this. And I pray that my upcoming scan ...

I realized today that I have been writing this blog for a year. I just skimmed my posts over the past year and I can't believe it's been a year. So much has happened but it seems like nothing will ever slow down. There's been so many high's and low's and I'm just looking forward to more high's than low's for the rest of the year. All I want is some peace and happiness.  I also wanted to let you know that I started a new business that I can do from home this month and I am hoping it goes well for me because I really want to pay off some debt, put money aside for future medical debt as well as save money for Cruz for when I'm gone. Technically I could work my ass off working extra shifts at the hospital but I would much rather be home with Cruz so being an Independent Consultant with Rodan & Fields seems like a much better fit for me. I'm still gonna work at the hospital as a nurse but living on a single income with an 8 year old just isn...

So, I had my PET-CT scan yesterday and the results are: IMPRESSION: 1. No evidence of metastatic disease. That's right bitches! NED! The above two lines were taken straight out of the report. Let's all breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in, breathe out. Clear for another 3 months. I'm so excited! When I started this stupid journey I never thought that I would be able to be NED for so long. All the research points to a survival rate of 2 years. 2 years! Can you believe it? I just had my 2 year cancerversary in April. I've officially made it 2 years and hopefully I'll have many more because that means I'm still here. So, too bad for my ex but he's not getting rid of me anytime soon.  I'm hoping and praying that I will continue to be NED as long as I possibly can because I know that once the cancer returns it'll be a never-ending process of changing treatments as the cancer becomes smarter. For now my treatments are working and my heart is sti...

Had a tough day today. I feel like I have to make myself believe in some way that I deserve better than all of this. And I'm not just talking about cancer. The whole process would have been easier if my boyfriend at the time had shown an interest in my health and provided me with the emotional support that I needed. Giving me rides once in awhile and dropping me off don't count. Not once did he go in to hear what the doctors have to say or watched me lay in bed as the poison entered my body while holding my hand. Fortunately one of my sisters was able to be there with me through practically every chemo. A couple of friends were able to help as well and they didn't just drop me off either. If the roles were reversed I would have been there for him through everything. I would take him to chemo, hold his hand, be there with him during every single doctor appointment because that's what people do when they love someone. And I would do so much more if it came down to it. Is ...

I've been following Kris's blog for awhile now and she has given me a lot of hope. She was diagnosed at age 23 with Stage IV breast cancer. She recently released a documentary. I've posted the video which I hope you watch. Enjoy!