reflections

I had an appointment with my oncologist last week and got my infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta. So, we're gonna keep doing the infusions and I scheduled a PET-CT scan and echo for July. It seems as though these 3 month increments just fly by. I feel like I just had a scan and now I have to go back again for another. I guess it's time to refill my prescription for Ativan. I really hate CT scans. The dye gives me such anxiety so it's nice to be able to take some Ativan and hopefully fall asleep during the scan. The PET part is not so bad, it's just uncomfortable sometimes.  I had labs taken last week too and I'm happy to announce that my Cancer Antigen 15-3 is normal once again. My level is 15 and the level that is considered normal is less than 33. Since chemo ended, my levels have ranged between 12-18 which is really good. So far this specific lab has worked really well in predicting my cancer so I'm going to go with it until it stops working. I think that's p

Just want to say Happy Father's Day to all the fathers that I know. This is a picture of me, my oldest sister and my dad. I'm the little one. So long ago... Time goes by so quickly, doesn't it?

I've been thinking about my birthday a lot recently since it's in a couple of months and I really hope that I have an awesome birthday this year. My last two birthdays have been kind of horrible and I'm hoping that this year my luck will turn around. I would love to have a birthday party but to be honest I'm not sure anyone would even come. I don't have very many friends out here where I live and I'm sure everyone's busy anyway. I'm also not very good at planning parties. I guess I just want to forget about all the bad stuff that's happened to me over the past two years. I want to be able to celebrate life and the fact that I'm still here and fighting. I just feel so alone out here sometimes and I want to feel like people actually care. Does that make sense? All I can do is try I guess. I think that sometimes my current life experiences are just too overwhelming for some people. They don't know what to say so they just pull away or don'

I think I've been watching the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling too much. I can't help it though. Who doesn't love Ryan Gosling? But it's affecting my sleep. I just can't seem to get past this insomnia and fear of falling asleep. There's just something about the night because I'm fine taking naps during the day. I'm not as scared. And it's not that I'm scared of the dark or anything. I'm just scared that I won't wake up. I'm definitely not ready to go and I don't feel like I've done enough in this lifetime. This fear began when I was first diagnosed with cancer but it was at it's worst when I was going through chemo.  I remember when I was first diagnosed; Cruz, myself and Cruz's father would sleep on the living room floor together. That's where I felt more comfortable. I wanted to be surrounded by my family. I wanted to feel safe. For some reason I felt that if they were both next to me than I couldn't die.