reflections

I've been back at work for 2 days now and I guess it isn't that bad. I still miss my son when I work in the evening especially since he's sick. I wish I could stay home and take care of him but I gotta work. I really enjoy working a day shift and I wish all of my shifts were day shifts but I have to be patient. It will come to me. Things can only get better from here, right? I know that I really should be trying to go to sleep right now but it takes awhile to wind down after working. Later today I have to go to UCSF to get my Herceptin & Perjeta infusion with a dash of Benadryl. Hopefully I'm not too sleepy to take my son trick or treating but I guess now it depends how sick he's feeling later. He's happy just passing out the candy though so it wouldn't be too devastating for him to not go trick or treating. We'll just see how it goes later. I really need to try and sleep.

I am officially letting go. I prayed about it today and I really do need to move on and focus on myself and my son. I want to make every day a special day. I want to plan a vacation for us. I want us to enjoy life. I want to make sure we laugh every day and snuggle every night. I can't focus on the negativity in my life. I'm not a religious person but I do believe in God. I am handing myself over to God to find peace in my heart. I think today is a good start. One day at a time. Love, Peace & Happiness! This is my niece and I. This is what I'll be doing more often, SMILING!

There’s nothing worse than losing who you thought was your best friend when you need them most. It’s sad and kind of hurtful but you just have to try to find a way to move forward. There are so many emotions that go into this diagnosis and even though things are good with my health at this moment it doesn’t mean it will be this way forever. It would be nice if I had someone by my side to help me get through the tough times and be with me to enjoy the good times. I’m a strong woman but there’s only so much a person can take. I’ve said before that it’s ok to cry and I really wish people would understand this. When I cry, it’s not because I feel sorry for myself but because I ‘m sorry that my son has to go through this with me. I don’t wish this on anybody. I don’t want my son to have to go through life without his mother or having to watch me slowly dwindle away. I’m also angry that someone else will eventually take my place and get to be with him through all the important mileston

Panic attacks really suck. I had never experienced one until I got cancer and I feel like I have to start from the beginning. When I got the first call telling me that the biopsy results were positive for breast cancer I was at work having dinner. I knew something was wrong because the doctors were avoiding my calls but I was persistant and they finally called me to give me the bad news. I broke down crying because I really didn’t expect to hear those words. I really thought they were going to tell me I was fine but I wasn’t fine. At that point began a series of doctor visits and procedures. Despite all of this I was still optimistic that it had been caught early. The surgeon and oncologist advised me to start chemo before surgery to shrink down the tumor but first they wanted a breast MRI to get accurate measurements. When I went to get the results, the oncologist began by showing me the images and just one look and I became hysterical in his office because I could tell that one

I go back to work next week and I’m a little sad about it. I’ve enjoyed being home with my son and spending so much time with him. Luckily I’ll be having a few day shifts now so I’ll be home with my son more often. I guess going back to work will offer me a distraction from my heartache though so in a way that’s good. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy working but after getting my cancer diagnosis I feel that family is more important, which is a big reason why I want to work during the day. I think I’ve just been feeling very emotional lately and it really doesn’t help that there’s a new person in the picture that I feel is really trying to make it impossible to move on and I wish she wasn't involved in my life or my son's life in any way. I’m really trying to make it through this difficult time but.... My focus right now is on my son’s well-being and happiness and having me around more often will definitely help. I will do anything for that little man. He’s my sun, moon and star

Ringing the bell! I am officially done with radiation! I’m so happy. Hopefully I’ll get my energy back soon because right now if I don’t take a nap during the day then I get too exhausted. That’s not a good thing when you have a 7 year old with A LOT of energy. Soon I will also go back to work. I love working but I am also loving spending time with my son. I have enjoyed every minute of it and I’m going to miss being here for him all the time. I have also decided to try and finish my Master’s Degree this coming Spring. I took 3 semesters off due to my treatments but I think I’m finally ready to finish. I just hope my chemo brain allows me to complete my senior project. It’s kind of overwhelming to think about it but I know I can get it done. I just really want to be finished with school. Right now I just feel so happy that I’m doing so well health-wise. I’m kind of afraid to jinx it. So keep sending prayers my way because I think they’re working.

Only 6 more radiation treatments left! So excited and can’t wait to be done. It really interrupts my morning and I can’t wait to have my time back. Morning radiation makes it difficult to set up appointments at UCSF but I’d rather do morning radiation than afternoon ones. I think my skin handled the radiation well and after trying calendula cream following a friend’s suggestion it feels so much better. My skin is starting to peel like a sunburn but it’s not too bad. And as soon as I get home and I know I’m not going anywhere the bra comes off so that my skin can get a break from the elastic. Hopefully my skin will go back to its normal color because right now my skin is “crispy” (I think that’s a new color) with a few scabs around my nipple.  I have to acknowledge the staff in the radiation office. They have been so nice and supportive. I love being a patient when the staff is awesome. I also have favorite nurses at UCSF. Obviously I love all my chemo nurses from the 6 th floor a

What do you think?

I had a PET-CT scan yesterday and guess what? I am still clear! I would love to say that I am officially one year cancer free but doctors only like to say NED. I have no evidence of disease at this time. I am soooo excited with this news! Every time I have a scan I’m scared that this will be the one when they tell me “The cancer is back” but each time I’m surprised by the good news. I feel like I have been so lucky health wise despite all the long lasting side effects that I feel every day. I’ll take the fatigue, tingling and muscle twitches as long as I get to be here for my son. This reassures me that I made the right decision to enter a clinical trial especially since it was only at the Phase I stage. I was so scared that I had made the wrong decision because in a Phase I trial they are still trying to figure out correct medication dosages and learning about side effects. We are true guinea pigs at this stage because they’re still trying to figure out how safe these drugs are. I am