reflections

Today is my fourth Mother's Day after cancer. I was diagnosed a month before Mother's Day in 2012 and to be honest I wasn't sure I would still be here today...but I am. And for that I am grateful. Cruz was just 5 years old and in kindergarten and now he's almost 9 years old and on his way to fourth grade. We had a rough start, Cruz and I. I feel like I've been fighting to live since the day he was born.  As some of you may already know, I almost bled to death on the day he was born. I lost most of the blood that circulated my body and ended up needing multiple blood transfusions, IV fluids, intubation, a partial hysterectomy and a one night stay in the ICU with another 4 days on the maternity unit. Fortunately Cruz was a healthy baby boy with no medical problems. That day I lost my ability to ever be pregnant again but I was lucky enough to be the mother of my Cruz and at that time the doctors made a point to tell me that technically I could still have biological ch...

This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip. I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in g...

The good news is that I had my scan on Monday and everything is good. Still NED! I'm really happy about that but at the same time I feel guilty because I'm doing so well. There are other women in my cancer groups that aren't doing so well and it sucks. Cancer sucks! Too many young people dying from this stupid disease. Eventually it'll be my turn but I hope that it's a long time from now.  Sometimes I wonder how many people still even care about my updates. I think people take it for granted that my scans have been good for so long and they forget that it's never really over for me. It's a constant battle physically, emotionally and mentally. Lately it's been extremely overwhelming but this bit of good news this week has already lifted some of the heavy weight off my shoulders. My oncologist and I have come to the decision that it's time for me to take some time to regroup and get a break from the stress from my job. It's not the job that's...

I had a really good holiday this year. I got to spend time with my family and my wonderful Cruz. With the help of his Papi he got me a locket for Christmas with his picture in it. I have to copy one of his baby pictures so I can shrink it down to locket size that way I can have his baby picture on one side and a current picture on the other. I also got to eat tamales! It was also nice to have a few days off from work. Too bad I had an infusion appointment to interrupt but that's okay. It wasn't too bad. At my next infusion I will have an MRI of my shoulder to finally find out what is causing the pain. These are the things I have to look forward to. Another year gone by and more appointments to come in my future.  I can't believe another Christmas has gone by and that in less than a week it will be 2015. I'm hoping that this year ends on a really good note. A few good things are happening for me right now and I'm just hoping that they don't blow up in my face. ...

I had the dye study done on my port on Thursday and my port is doing fine which is good because I love my port. I don't want to deal with having to take it out and get a new one. Makes it really convenient to get blood draws and IV medication. It was strange seeing the x-ray on a big screen. I could see my heart beating while they were lining up the machine. Right before Christmas I'll have my infusion of Herceptin and Perjeta. I'm thinking of taking the nurses some chocolate or cupcakes since it sucks having to work on holidays and I appreciate all their help.  Can't wait for Christmas. Mostly because of the food and hanging out with family. And I LOVE seeing the kids open their presents. It'll be a nice break from all the work stress. Hopefully my shoulder doesn't act up on me. I wasn't able to get an appointment for the MRI of my shoulder before the new year but that's okay as long as it's finally happening. I know that my last PET-CT scan came ...

Sometimes I think I should just go home. I don't feel like I belong out here. My life here is a very lonely one and I'm just not used to the quietness. I think I can count my close friends out here with one hand but still, most days are spent at work or home with Cruz. It's not for lack of trying but I guess I'm just at a different point in my life than most people. People don't want to be reminded of their own mortality and I think people may be uncomfortable with how realistic I am about my diagnosis. For me, I just find it to be educational because most people don't understand the meaning of a Stage IV diagnosis. I find that I always have to reiterate the fact that it's INCURABLE. It's true that I don't look sick. It's true that my hair is growing back. It's true that I don't need systemic chemo at this moment but I'm still taking medication. Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thin...

Trying to make changes in my life recently. Obviously the stress is taking a toll on me but I'm trying really hard to keep going. I think I'm realizing that I don't want to reach out to people anymore. I still feel alone and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I don't want to make the first move anymore. It's just me and Cruz most days. I'm also trying to relax more on my days off. Today was one of those days. There are so many errands that I should have done today but instead I chose to just stay home, relax under the covers and take a nap. I feel like I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something and I have to just slow down and take care of myself. After all, my archangel is looking after me and I should do the same. I do have to get my Christmas shopping done though. This year I'm going small and just buying presents for the kids and that's even a stretch but I love my nieces and nephew and I'd like to get them at least...

Thanksgiving week is finally over. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for so many things right now, especially my recent NED scans but it has been a stressful week. Cruz had the whole week off from school and trying to figure out daycare was not fun. He's actually happy to be back to school tomorrow. I think he gets bored easily and he enjoys seeing his friends at school. I wasn't able to go home for the holidays either because I had to work. Cruz and I ended up having our own little Thanksgiving dinner on my day off the day before Thanksgiving. We spent this weekend cleaning, putting up the Christmas tree and just being lazy watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. And to top off the week, Cruz was sick the whole weekend beginning on Thanksgiving Day. He's feeling better now and I'm glad this was my weekend off from work.  Two years ago I wasn't sure if I would still be here watching Cruz grow up and enjoying the holidays but I am so happy that I can still ...

Have you ever had that feeling like you don't belong? That's the way I'm feeling now. I've always been a shy person. I'm more of an introvert but when you get to know me, you realize that I'm not too quiet. All through elementary, junior high and high school I was pretty quiet and rarely talked but I did have a few close friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. I'm definitely more open now than in the past. I'm sure they would agree. To those few friends, I want to say thank you for sticking by me. When I went to college I was definitely even more open but I definitely wasn't the "partier" of the school. I wanted that experience and I managed to go through some crazy things with the friends I did have in college but once again I wasn't considered one of the most outgoing and popular kids on campus. I made a few friends in nursing school but the ones I considered close friends quickly faded away. I understand that life happen...

I feel exhausted. It's like I can never catch up on rest no matter what I do. After work I am so tired that I spend most of the evening trying not to fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep during the night. It doesn't work. I still end up waking up at least 3 times during the night and then I have to get up and go to work. My days off are spent going to doctors appointments, running errands and being a mom. Being a mom is the never-ending full time job. I love being a mom and despite being tired I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also love being a nurse but to be honest I just don't feel supported at work. I'm feeling pressured. I don't like the politics of my workplace and I don't like feeling like I'm not allowed to be sick. I know that I look healthy but I AM NOT! I don't think they'll ever understand this concept until I look sick. They just want to work me for all they can get out of me. At the beginning of my diagnosis they were good t...

I'm making some changes again. I'm re-decorating Cruz's room and getting rid of the last bit of old furniture. I need to get rid of the furniture that's in the garage too. It's just too difficult for me to see all the old furniture in the house. I guess I just feel like Cruz and I need a fresh start. There have just been so many negative changes in the last couple of years so I feel like we're ready for some positive changes to start happening. Seeing all the old furniture in my house reminds me of all the broken promises of a life I thought I would have. It still hurts...a lot, but I deserve to be a priority and so does Cruz. I'm starting small by focusing on the little things. I spent today painting a shelving unit for Cruz's room. He needs storage for his Lego collection. I also moved a freezer out of the kitchen into the garage all by myself earlier this week to make more room in the kitchen. Now, I feel like I need to hang some more stuff on the w...

How do you forgive someone? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't want to die hating someone so I'm trying to find that inner peace or whatever it is that will help me learn how to forgive someone. I really thought I was getting there but the person just had to ruin it. I guess it'll just take some time. I'm just not sure when I'll reach my breaking point. So many broken promises... Maybe yoga and meditation? Nahhh. My attention span is horrible. I think eventually it'll come to me. Right now, at this moment, I wish I could just pick up and leave. Travel somewhere with my Cruz. Visit family in Mexico, visit all the pyramids in the world, take a road trip across the country, go to Europe. There's so many things I want to do and so many things I want Cruz to see.  Life is just hard at this moment but I'm taking it one day at a time. I should be happy right now, right? I'm NED and my recent tumor markers came back normal once again. ...

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed. I think I just need to become more assertive with my decisions. I'm just tired of the one being hurt all the time and letting people take advantage of me. It's my own fault though because I always want to please everyone and I don't speak up when I should. I'm getting better at communicating my feelings though because I realize that I need to take care of myself. But now that I am standing up for myself I'm feeling the backlash and it's hard. I have to learn how to let it go, brush it off and move on. It's definitely not that easy but I know it's for the best.  I guess I just need some peace and stability in my life.  The school year has also just begun and Cruz has started the third grade. He's getting so big and I can't believe so much time has passed. I remember when he started kindergarten. I guess time is just flying by. He'll probably be as tall as I am within the next two years. I enjoy watching ...

I think my wish to have a good, decent birthday has finally come true. Even though I had to work it was still okay. My co-workers got me a cake, flowers, balloon and a gift card to get my favorite thing: coffee! I'm addicted to coffee. It's my top vice and I'm okay with that. I also went out to dinner with my favorite little man and my niece where I got to wear a big sombrero while the staff sang happy birthday to me. I got to drink my favorite margarita and later on that evening went out for a beer with a friend. And yesterday I went out to dinner with more good friends and the celebration will continue at the end of the week. So far, good birthday. To top it off I had a patient who thought I was 23! It's always nice when people think I'm younger. Most people don't believe I'm in my 30's. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm in my 30's. It's kind of funny to think that here I am trying not to die young but also worrying about getting ol...

I think I've kind of lost count with how many PET-CT scans I've had but I had one of many this week. And the results are in: NO EVIDENCE OF METASTATIC DISEASE! So far I've been NED for about 21 months and it's such a great feeling. It really does give me hope that I WILL be around to watch Cruz grow up. I know that eventually my disease will catch up to me but I have to continue to enjoy the present. It's not that easy though so don't judge me if I'm not all sunshine and flowers every day.  Right now my main focus is mostly trying to save money so I can pay off medical expenses. I'm a single mom with cancer living in the Bay Area. That's three strikes but so far I'm able to do it on my own. Tight budget but manageable. I have to prepare for the future though and I really need to start putting more money away for Cruz. I want to make sure he's taken care of so I recently became an independent consultant with Rodan & Fields. If you wo...

Ugh, I've had a headache for 3 days in a row and I can't seem to get rid of it. It's getting to the point where I feel nauseous. I keep having to make myself eat at least once a day but it's so hard because I have no appetite. I start eating but then I have to stop because it makes me nauseous and sometimes even the thought of food makes me sick. You'd think between feeling nauseous, having no appetite and having serious stomach issues I'd be losing weight but I'm not. At least I'm not gaining any though. My weight has been holding steady for months. I do want to start going out for more walks though. I need some distraction.  What I really need though is a stress free environment. My scan is getting closer and I'm getting more and more nervous. Plus, every time I think things are getting easier, things get worse. Two steps forward but then two steps back. I think I have to stop letting my guard down. Every time I do I just end up being the one hur...

Feeling so blah today. Tomorrow is Cruz's birthday party with his friends and I feel like I have to pump myself up for it. I found out something today that is really upsetting me and I can't stop thinking about it. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with cancer but I just can't take any bad news right now, no matter where it comes from. I just want things to get better. Or at least not suck. That would be nice. Sometimes it feels like things are looking up but it just never really does. Life is a big tease right now. I really need something awesome to happen before my birthday so I can have some hope that life will get better. I make wishes all the time and I'm really hoping that a few come true soon.  To be honest, I'm just tired of being strong in front of people. Why should I have to hold back just to make other people comfortable? Why do I always have to be the strong one? For Cruz I will be strong but please let me be vulnerable sometimes. All I know is th...

My beautiful baby. :) My Cruz is going to turn 8 years old next week. I can't believe how much my baby has grown and I feel extremely lucky to still be here to continue to watch him grow. I only hope that I will be here many more years. I don't want to leave him in his most formative years. My hope is that during this time that we have together we are able to make amazing memories together even if it's just snuggling on the couch together reading a book or watching his favorite movie at the time.  I really hope I will be able to meet my grandchildren. How many people do you know that actually wish they'll get old and gray? Well I'm one of them. I will cherish every one of my wrinkles as long as I'm here with Cruz. I know that I'm supposed to outlive him and I accept that; in fact I prefer it, but not now. He needs me. The other night he crawled into my bed because he was having bad dreams and of course his stuffed animals came with him. By morning,...

Just want to say Happy Father's Day to all the fathers that I know. This is a picture of me, my oldest sister and my dad. I'm the little one. So long ago... Time goes by so quickly, doesn't it?

Plant shopping. :) Trying to make myself feel better by buying plants to fill my house inside and out. Making changes is hard but it does get easier each day especially when I have distance from the person that changed my life forever. It's nice to feel some peace in my own home. It's also nice not feeling judged everyday by someone I love. At the same time I still miss him being around and it can get quite lonely at times but I have to decide what's better for me. Being alone and having the chance to find someone that truly loves me, treats me with respect and wants to be with me or be with someone that constantly hurts me and can never fully commit to any woman. Not even the mother of his child. (So if you think he'll commit to you think again.) But anyway...  So far the past two weeks have been really good. Cruz and I are adjusting to this new stability in our lives and it's really working out for us. We're enjoying the fact that I'm still clear of...