reflections

I felt like sharing this video of Soraya. She was a latin- American musician that died of breast cancer in 2006. She was only 37 and her grandmother, mom and her aunt died of breast cancer too. Her initial diagnosis was at 31. It sucks to think of so many young women dying from this stupid disease. I was also diagnosed at 31 and I'll be turning 34 in a few weeks. My goal is to make it until my son graduates high school but I would love to make it longer than that. I just think something needs to be done. We need to get more research going. Prevention is good but a cure sounds a lot better don't you think? I don't want to die in my 30's. Or my 40's. I want to live and it makes me so angry sometimes to think that I have to go through this shit. Life is already stressful enough. I hate cancer! I need a vacation.

I realized today that I have been writing this blog for a year. I just skimmed my posts over the past year and I can't believe it's been a year. So much has happened but it seems like nothing will ever slow down. There's been so many high's and low's and I'm just looking forward to more high's than low's for the rest of the year. All I want is some peace and happiness.  I also wanted to let you know that I started a new business that I can do from home this month and I am hoping it goes well for me because I really want to pay off some debt, put money aside for future medical debt as well as save money for Cruz for when I'm gone. Technically I could work my ass off working extra shifts at the hospital but I would much rather be home with Cruz so being an Independent Consultant with Rodan & Fields seems like a much better fit for me. I'm still gonna work at the hospital as a nurse but living on a single income with an 8 year old just isn'

I had a dream last night that my hair was so long it reached my waist. It felt really real but like all dreams it faded into reality when I woke up. I miss my hair but at least I can put it up in a tiny pony tail which is what I did today so I could work out. My workouts are very sporadic and I really need to get back into it. I definitely need to build my endurance. I feel like I'm out of breath so quickly. This used to happen before I even knew I had cancer. I used to work out 4-5 times a week at home and there were days when I would get so exhausted that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I told the doctor about it but they would just check me for anemia and of course blood tests always came out fine. Oh well, can't change the past.  For now, I just want to know what it feels like to make it through a workout without stopping and feeling my hair down my back. Everyone tells me that I have good bone structure for short hair which is good to know but I still want my long hair

Ugh, I've had a headache for 3 days in a row and I can't seem to get rid of it. It's getting to the point where I feel nauseous. I keep having to make myself eat at least once a day but it's so hard because I have no appetite. I start eating but then I have to stop because it makes me nauseous and sometimes even the thought of food makes me sick. You'd think between feeling nauseous, having no appetite and having serious stomach issues I'd be losing weight but I'm not. At least I'm not gaining any though. My weight has been holding steady for months. I do want to start going out for more walks though. I need some distraction.  What I really need though is a stress free environment. My scan is getting closer and I'm getting more and more nervous. Plus, every time I think things are getting easier, things get worse. Two steps forward but then two steps back. I think I have to stop letting my guard down. Every time I do I just end up being the one hur

Feeling so blah today. Tomorrow is Cruz's birthday party with his friends and I feel like I have to pump myself up for it. I found out something today that is really upsetting me and I can't stop thinking about it. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with cancer but I just can't take any bad news right now, no matter where it comes from. I just want things to get better. Or at least not suck. That would be nice. Sometimes it feels like things are looking up but it just never really does. Life is a big tease right now. I really need something awesome to happen before my birthday so I can have some hope that life will get better. I make wishes all the time and I'm really hoping that a few come true soon.  To be honest, I'm just tired of being strong in front of people. Why should I have to hold back just to make other people comfortable? Why do I always have to be the strong one? For Cruz I will be strong but please let me be vulnerable sometimes. All I know is th

My beautiful baby. :) My Cruz is going to turn 8 years old next week. I can't believe how much my baby has grown and I feel extremely lucky to still be here to continue to watch him grow. I only hope that I will be here many more years. I don't want to leave him in his most formative years. My hope is that during this time that we have together we are able to make amazing memories together even if it's just snuggling on the couch together reading a book or watching his favorite movie at the time.  I really hope I will be able to meet my grandchildren. How many people do you know that actually wish they'll get old and gray? Well I'm one of them. I will cherish every one of my wrinkles as long as I'm here with Cruz. I know that I'm supposed to outlive him and I accept that; in fact I prefer it, but not now. He needs me. The other night he crawled into my bed because he was having bad dreams and of course his stuffed animals came with him. By morning,