reflections

This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip. I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in g...

Tomorrow I'm going on my first ever flight...and I'm kinda scared. That's right. I'm in my 30's and I've never been on a plane. We were too poor to afford plane rides when I was younger and once I got older we would always drive everywhere. When we went to Mexico to visit family we drove. We took the train once and there were bus rides too. Now that I'm older I've driven through many western states to get to Colorado and Wyoming to visit family. I guess I figured that I better finally get on a plane before I die.  And for my first ever plane ride I'll be going to the YSC Summit which is a conference for young women affected by breast cancer in Houston. At least it will be a short flight for my first flight. And I made sure to get a nonstop flight so that I'm not freaking out for too long. I'll also be sure to take an Ativan to calm my nerves. I guess I figure that so much shit has happened to me that God better take pity on me and let me ha...

The good news is that I had my scan on Monday and everything is good. Still NED! I'm really happy about that but at the same time I feel guilty because I'm doing so well. There are other women in my cancer groups that aren't doing so well and it sucks. Cancer sucks! Too many young people dying from this stupid disease. Eventually it'll be my turn but I hope that it's a long time from now.  Sometimes I wonder how many people still even care about my updates. I think people take it for granted that my scans have been good for so long and they forget that it's never really over for me. It's a constant battle physically, emotionally and mentally. Lately it's been extremely overwhelming but this bit of good news this week has already lifted some of the heavy weight off my shoulders. My oncologist and I have come to the decision that it's time for me to take some time to regroup and get a break from the stress from my job. It's not the job that's...

Do you ever wonder who will remember you when you die? Or who will even care that you're gone? Obviously my family will care and they'll be sad but sometimes I wonder if anyone else would even care if I died. What will people remember me for? Will they even remember me? Or would I just become "that girl that died from cancer". I know, doesn't sound like a very happy topic but these are the kinds of things you think about when you're smacked in the face with this stupid diagnosis. I'm even thinking about starting to put away money for my funeral so that I'm not a burden when I'm gone. I'm not even completely sure if I want to be buried or cremated. So far, cremation is winning. It's cheaper and it's not like very many people will visit my grave 100 years from now. But then, where will my ashes go? So many things to sort out and it sucks that this could happen sooner rather than later. Maybe I'm just thinking too much because I have...

Trying to make changes in my life recently. Obviously the stress is taking a toll on me but I'm trying really hard to keep going. I think I'm realizing that I don't want to reach out to people anymore. I still feel alone and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I don't want to make the first move anymore. It's just me and Cruz most days. I'm also trying to relax more on my days off. Today was one of those days. There are so many errands that I should have done today but instead I chose to just stay home, relax under the covers and take a nap. I feel like I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something and I have to just slow down and take care of myself. After all, my archangel is looking after me and I should do the same. I do have to get my Christmas shopping done though. This year I'm going small and just buying presents for the kids and that's even a stretch but I love my nieces and nephew and I'd like to get them at least...

I need a vacation so bad. The stress is becoming overwhelming but I'm trying to relax on my days off from work. I love being a nurse but I think the people you work with really make a difference and it's hard when someone doesn't support you. Practically all of my coworkers have been supportive of me throughout this shitty diagnosis but all it takes is one person.... I want to feel comfortable going to work. I don't want my panic attacks to come back because of all this stress. I feel like passing out pamphlets of information regarding metastatic breast cancer so people can understand that my immune system sucks now so I WILL get sick. And guess what else? I have doctors appointments. Lots of them. And it's INCURABLE, which means this is not going to just go away.  You know, I get up every morning. I go to work, I take care of Cruz, I go to doctors appointments, I get my infusions, I see a therapist, I clean my house, I run errands, I live my life. Every once in...

I feel exhausted. It's like I can never catch up on rest no matter what I do. After work I am so tired that I spend most of the evening trying not to fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep during the night. It doesn't work. I still end up waking up at least 3 times during the night and then I have to get up and go to work. My days off are spent going to doctors appointments, running errands and being a mom. Being a mom is the never-ending full time job. I love being a mom and despite being tired I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also love being a nurse but to be honest I just don't feel supported at work. I'm feeling pressured. I don't like the politics of my workplace and I don't like feeling like I'm not allowed to be sick. I know that I look healthy but I AM NOT! I don't think they'll ever understand this concept until I look sick. They just want to work me for all they can get out of me. At the beginning of my diagnosis they were good t...

These are my war wounds. I have so many bruises due to my blood thinners and these are just on one side of my leg. My stomach is a little bit worse but that's only because that's where my shots go. It actually hurts to wear pants because they sit right on the bruises. I've officially been on Lovenox for 2 years now. On 9/12/12 it was discovered that I had a pulmonary emobolism after a routine PET-CT scan and for 6 months I gave myself 2 shots a day for a total of 120 mg. Now I just take 80mg once a day...indefinitely. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to give myself shots anymore but at the same time I'm so scared to stop. I've seen people die from PE's and that is NOT the way I want to go.  For some reason cancer patients are just more prone to develop blood clots and I just so happened to be one of the lucky winners of a blood clot that could've killed me if I wasn't getting regular scans. I had NO symptoms whatsoever. Kind of scary. At the time...

I think I've kind of lost count with how many PET-CT scans I've had but I had one of many this week. And the results are in: NO EVIDENCE OF METASTATIC DISEASE! So far I've been NED for about 21 months and it's such a great feeling. It really does give me hope that I WILL be around to watch Cruz grow up. I know that eventually my disease will catch up to me but I have to continue to enjoy the present. It's not that easy though so don't judge me if I'm not all sunshine and flowers every day.  Right now my main focus is mostly trying to save money so I can pay off medical expenses. I'm a single mom with cancer living in the Bay Area. That's three strikes but so far I'm able to do it on my own. Tight budget but manageable. I have to prepare for the future though and I really need to start putting more money away for Cruz. I want to make sure he's taken care of so I recently became an independent consultant with Rodan & Fields. If you wo...

I realized today that I have been writing this blog for a year. I just skimmed my posts over the past year and I can't believe it's been a year. So much has happened but it seems like nothing will ever slow down. There's been so many high's and low's and I'm just looking forward to more high's than low's for the rest of the year. All I want is some peace and happiness.  I also wanted to let you know that I started a new business that I can do from home this month and I am hoping it goes well for me because I really want to pay off some debt, put money aside for future medical debt as well as save money for Cruz for when I'm gone. Technically I could work my ass off working extra shifts at the hospital but I would much rather be home with Cruz so being an Independent Consultant with Rodan & Fields seems like a much better fit for me. I'm still gonna work at the hospital as a nurse but living on a single income with an 8 year old just isn...

I had an appointment with my oncologist last week and got my infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta. So, we're gonna keep doing the infusions and I scheduled a PET-CT scan and echo for July. It seems as though these 3 month increments just fly by. I feel like I just had a scan and now I have to go back again for another. I guess it's time to refill my prescription for Ativan. I really hate CT scans. The dye gives me such anxiety so it's nice to be able to take some Ativan and hopefully fall asleep during the scan. The PET part is not so bad, it's just uncomfortable sometimes.  I had labs taken last week too and I'm happy to announce that my Cancer Antigen 15-3 is normal once again. My level is 15 and the level that is considered normal is less than 33. Since chemo ended, my levels have ranged between 12-18 which is really good. So far this specific lab has worked really well in predicting my cancer so I'm going to go with it until it stops working. I think that's p...

Sometimes the fact that I have cancer seems like a distant memory. Chemo, the pain, the loneliness. I love that feeling of distance. Feeling like I don't have cancer at all. Feeling "normal". Letting myself hope and dream about watching Cruz grow up. Letting go of a toxic relationship and letting myself believe that I deserve better. So, I'm chucking all of the bad stuff in the f**k it bucket. I like this thought. :)

So, I had my PET-CT scan yesterday and the results are: IMPRESSION: 1. No evidence of metastatic disease. That's right bitches! NED! The above two lines were taken straight out of the report. Let's all breathe a sigh of relief. Breathe in, breathe out. Clear for another 3 months. I'm so excited! When I started this stupid journey I never thought that I would be able to be NED for so long. All the research points to a survival rate of 2 years. 2 years! Can you believe it? I just had my 2 year cancerversary in April. I've officially made it 2 years and hopefully I'll have many more because that means I'm still here. So, too bad for my ex but he's not getting rid of me anytime soon.  I'm hoping and praying that I will continue to be NED as long as I possibly can because I know that once the cancer returns it'll be a never-ending process of changing treatments as the cancer becomes smarter. For now my treatments are working and my heart is sti...