reflections

This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip. I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in g...

Tomorrow I'm going on my first ever flight...and I'm kinda scared. That's right. I'm in my 30's and I've never been on a plane. We were too poor to afford plane rides when I was younger and once I got older we would always drive everywhere. When we went to Mexico to visit family we drove. We took the train once and there were bus rides too. Now that I'm older I've driven through many western states to get to Colorado and Wyoming to visit family. I guess I figured that I better finally get on a plane before I die.  And for my first ever plane ride I'll be going to the YSC Summit which is a conference for young women affected by breast cancer in Houston. At least it will be a short flight for my first flight. And I made sure to get a nonstop flight so that I'm not freaking out for too long. I'll also be sure to take an Ativan to calm my nerves. I guess I figure that so much shit has happened to me that God better take pity on me and let me ha...

The good news is that I had my scan on Monday and everything is good. Still NED! I'm really happy about that but at the same time I feel guilty because I'm doing so well. There are other women in my cancer groups that aren't doing so well and it sucks. Cancer sucks! Too many young people dying from this stupid disease. Eventually it'll be my turn but I hope that it's a long time from now.  Sometimes I wonder how many people still even care about my updates. I think people take it for granted that my scans have been good for so long and they forget that it's never really over for me. It's a constant battle physically, emotionally and mentally. Lately it's been extremely overwhelming but this bit of good news this week has already lifted some of the heavy weight off my shoulders. My oncologist and I have come to the decision that it's time for me to take some time to regroup and get a break from the stress from my job. It's not the job that's...

I'm feeling overwhelmed. This past week has been horrible and it's getting to the point where I don't know how much more my mind and body can take. I need a break. A nice long break to just relax and focus on my health. It's not fun working in a place that just isn't supportive. Most of my co-workers are amazing to work with but it's not right to constantly work in fear. It's not right to have to come home in tears at least once a week. All this stress just isn't good for me. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and not let the politics get to me so much but it does. I just have to remember that I'm there to take care of my patients and I do an amazing job with them. I want my patients to be happy and move towards health so that they can go home. It's been a really difficult year and I wish that people would back me up but I get it, they're afraid too.  God, I just pray that I will get through this. And I pray that my upcoming scan ...

Definitely a bad day today but hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Sleep would help. Oh yeah, and good news. My life is spent waiting so, it's getting a little old. I just need to know. Yes or no. Please God, let it be a yes. 

So, the good news is that I do not have cancer in my right shoulder. Yay! I had my MRI yesterday which was definitely an experience. Before my MRI I pre-medicated myself with 1mg of Ativan just to calm myself down because that machine seems so small when you're inside it. I figured I could just take a nap while I'm in there which will make the time go by faster except the tech kept waking me up! It was so annoying. I've never had that happen before. They usually just let you sleep. Easier for them and easier for me. This tech would actually go inside the room and peek inside and tell me to wake up. It was not fun. I was finally able to take a good nap once I had my infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta. After I got home I took a nap as well. Between Ativan and Benadryl I was so tired yesterday. Woke up for a few hours to eat and went to bed.  I'm going to try and relax today but that hardly ever works out. I always end up cleaning or doing something. Plus, I go back to work t...

Sometimes I think I should just go home. I don't feel like I belong out here. My life here is a very lonely one and I'm just not used to the quietness. I think I can count my close friends out here with one hand but still, most days are spent at work or home with Cruz. It's not for lack of trying but I guess I'm just at a different point in my life than most people. People don't want to be reminded of their own mortality and I think people may be uncomfortable with how realistic I am about my diagnosis. For me, I just find it to be educational because most people don't understand the meaning of a Stage IV diagnosis. I find that I always have to reiterate the fact that it's INCURABLE. It's true that I don't look sick. It's true that my hair is growing back. It's true that I don't need systemic chemo at this moment but I'm still taking medication. Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thin...

I have to share this story with you today because it made me feel really g ood. I walked into my patient's room today to check his blood sugar at lunchtime and his caregiver is in the room visiting him. The doctor was talking to my patient when all of a sudden his caregiver turns to me and says "I'm sorry but I have to tell you that a spirit, this energy, just walked into the room with you. It's taking up this whole room." Both the doctor and my patient stopped talking and they turned to the caregiver who went on to say that the energy was a positive one and it was lighting up the room around me; protecting me. My patient then told me that I should believe him because his caregiver has the gift of being able to sense spirits.  If you know me, then you know I absolutely believe in ghosts, spirits and basically anything spiritual. When the caregiver told me this today it made me feel that maybe God really is protecting me during this difficult time. Whether it be ...

After receiving such great news I should be happy. I should be over the moon happy but instead I feel kind of numb. Obviously I'm grateful that I am still NED. Gives me hope that I will be here to see my grandchildren one day. Unfortunately I'm letting all this happiness be overshadowed by stupid shit. I'm really worried about my financial situation. I'm running out of savings and I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on like this. The bills are taking a toll on me. If I didn't have the medical bills everything would be manageable.  I'm also angry that I'm doing this alone. I mean, I know I can do it alone but I shouldn't have to. Am I being played? I don't know. I hope not because I'm tired of being hurt. Seems to happen to me on a regular basis but I guess it's my own fault for allowing it. And then there's work. I love being a nurse but I don't want to go work in ...

Do you have someone in your life that doesn't seem to want to see you happy? They say they do but their actions don't quite match up with their words. And even their words are sometimes hurtful like wishing that "logistically it would have been better if you had died". He later apologized but then within two months denied that he ever said it. I have someone that fits that exact description and unfortunately I can't just cut him out of my life. I try my best to live my life separate and focus on Cruz and my health but every time I show an ounce of happiness he tries to creep his way back into my life and ruin all my progress. I don't think all the therapy in the world can fix him but I guess I just have to deal with it and not let him get to me so much. I need to empower myself to be the strong woman that I am. I'm just so exhausted emotionally and physically. The last thing I need is someone bringing me down. I tried meditation but I just can't seem...

Had a tough day today. I feel like I have to make myself believe in some way that I deserve better than all of this. And I'm not just talking about cancer. The whole process would have been easier if my boyfriend at the time had shown an interest in my health and provided me with the emotional support that I needed. Giving me rides once in awhile and dropping me off don't count. Not once did he go in to hear what the doctors have to say or watched me lay in bed as the poison entered my body while holding my hand. Fortunately one of my sisters was able to be there with me through practically every chemo. A couple of friends were able to help as well and they didn't just drop me off either. If the roles were reversed I would have been there for him through everything. I would take him to chemo, hold his hand, be there with him during every single doctor appointment because that's what people do when they love someone. And I would do so much more if it came down to it. Is ...

Please God help me get through these difficult times and not let anyone bring me down. Help me be strong for Cruz and give me guidance over what I should do about being closer to my family. Help me be here for Cruz for a long time as I am the only positive influence in his life at the moment and the only one who takes care of him. May only positive energy enter my home so that Cruz and I can enjoy our time together as I watch him grow up. Please stand by my side and give me strength over the next month as I have some very important days coming up that will affect mine and Cruz's life forever. Please help me win this fight as it is the best thing for Cruz. And please shine your light onto someone close to me and let some compassion enter his heart. Help me learn to forgive. Also, please take care of my sister and let her see the light so that she may fight for her survival in the best interest of her daughter. Amen.