reflections

As more and more of my friends die and transition to the next step in life I can't help but wonder what it's like. Am I going to be in pain? What's on the other side? Will I be completely gone? Have you read the book Lovely Bones? Will it be like that? Will I have my own heaven and be able to watch Cruz grow up from heaven? Or will I completely forget about my life from earth in order to make the transition easier? Will I be reincarnated and if so, what or who will I be? There are so many questions. I hope that death isn't the end of it all. I also don't want to be in pain. I think that's what scares me the most...the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but I've seen cancer patients at the end of their life...it can be painful. I also know that with the right pain medication, we can help people be as comfortable as possible but it still sucks. So many of my friends have already died and there are so many so close to death. It's overwhelming. And

I feel like I made a difference today at work and it wasn't with a patient but with a fellow nurse. It started off with a conversation about power ports and I was telling her how much I loved mine. It makes getting treatment so much easier because it saves my veins from getting poked all the time. Chemo is also very harsh on the veins in the arm so getting all your medication through a bigger vessel is so much easier on the body. My power port is implanted in my left chest. You can see the triangle shape through my skin but it's become a part of me. I'm not embarrassed by it anymore. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. Talking about metastatic breast cancer with another healthcare professional still surprises me. Sometimes I'm shocked by how little nurses and doctors know about Stage IV cancer unless that is their specialty. I experienced it myself when I learned of my diagnosis. It's amazing how many people think metastatic breast cancer is curable because of