reflections

So, I've been on leave for a month already. It went by so fast! Time just seems to fly by as an adult. I remember being a kid and it felt like a school year was FOREVER! Didn't it? Now it seems like we just celebrated a New year and it's now almost April. It also seems like it was yesterday that I found the lump on the breast that betrayed me but on April 6 it will be 3 years! 3 years of a mind-fucking experience. The sad part is that it's never going to end but at least I'm alive. I'm still here. For now. And I'm okay with that. And don't give me that shit about how if I stay positive I'll be okay because it's not about staying "positive", it's about learning to live a new normal. I'm just hopeful and I try to live my every day life as normal as possible for as long as I can. And also just for the record: I am NOT giving up sugar or coffee. One thing I will do though is try to exercise more often. I used to exercise at least 4 ...

This past weekend was exciting! I went to the YSC 2015 Summit in Houston, Texas. There was some pinkwashing present but I don't blame the people there. They haven't been educated enough about metastatic disease and the likelihood of recurrence. It felt really good to get to meet people going through metastatic breast cancer with me. It just really sucks that this is how we meet. I also got to go on a plane for the first time ever and I guess it wasn't too bad. A little bumpy due to turbulence and I would get a head rush every once in awhile but I made it. I also got to see family. That was also one of the best parts of the trip. I was hoping to get a little more information out of the whole trip but I guess I still have Philadelphia. I'll be going to a metastatic breast cancer conference given by Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I hope this conference is better since it's focus is Metastatic Breast cancer and the YSC conference was mostly focused on breast cancer in g...

The good news is that I had my scan on Monday and everything is good. Still NED! I'm really happy about that but at the same time I feel guilty because I'm doing so well. There are other women in my cancer groups that aren't doing so well and it sucks. Cancer sucks! Too many young people dying from this stupid disease. Eventually it'll be my turn but I hope that it's a long time from now.  Sometimes I wonder how many people still even care about my updates. I think people take it for granted that my scans have been good for so long and they forget that it's never really over for me. It's a constant battle physically, emotionally and mentally. Lately it's been extremely overwhelming but this bit of good news this week has already lifted some of the heavy weight off my shoulders. My oncologist and I have come to the decision that it's time for me to take some time to regroup and get a break from the stress from my job. It's not the job that's...

I'm feeling overwhelmed. This past week has been horrible and it's getting to the point where I don't know how much more my mind and body can take. I need a break. A nice long break to just relax and focus on my health. It's not fun working in a place that just isn't supportive. Most of my co-workers are amazing to work with but it's not right to constantly work in fear. It's not right to have to come home in tears at least once a week. All this stress just isn't good for me. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and not let the politics get to me so much but it does. I just have to remember that I'm there to take care of my patients and I do an amazing job with them. I want my patients to be happy and move towards health so that they can go home. It's been a really difficult year and I wish that people would back me up but I get it, they're afraid too.  God, I just pray that I will get through this. And I pray that my upcoming scan ...

Being a single mom is hard but being a single mom with cancer and living in the Bay area is even harder. Sometimes I wish I could just come home and relax but there's no such thing as free time these days. If I'm not at work then I'm at an appointment or running errands. Sleeping in? I don't know what that is anymore. I think that disappears the moment you have kids. ;) Except now it's coupled with anxiety-induced insomnia. I think the only days when I actually feel rested are my infusion days. So, thank you Benadryl for allowing me a day of rest every 3 weeks.  I think I just have to accept that I will never have the energy I once had or be a power mom and that's okay. I don't have the free time to be able to volunteer for school activities. I may be able to go on the occasional field trip but that's about it. Sometimes I wish I could help out in class but I just don't have time. I've also been using a lot of free time looking for a different ...

I had a really good holiday this year. I got to spend time with my family and my wonderful Cruz. With the help of his Papi he got me a locket for Christmas with his picture in it. I have to copy one of his baby pictures so I can shrink it down to locket size that way I can have his baby picture on one side and a current picture on the other. I also got to eat tamales! It was also nice to have a few days off from work. Too bad I had an infusion appointment to interrupt but that's okay. It wasn't too bad. At my next infusion I will have an MRI of my shoulder to finally find out what is causing the pain. These are the things I have to look forward to. Another year gone by and more appointments to come in my future.  I can't believe another Christmas has gone by and that in less than a week it will be 2015. I'm hoping that this year ends on a really good note. A few good things are happening for me right now and I'm just hoping that they don't blow up in my face. ...

I'm finally going to get an MRI of my right shoulder. I'm so excited! Maybe I can finally figure out what the hell is wrong with it. These past few nights the pain hasn't let me sleep well. It's gotten worse because now my elbow and wrist hurt too. The PET-CT scans never pick anything up but maybe the MRI will show something. Even if the cancer has spread to my bones at least I would know what is causing the pain. Better to catch it now before it takes a hold of my body again. So, I'll keep you posted once I get it done and get the results. Tomorrow I will get the dye study on my port to make sure it's functioning correctly. It's a relatively quick procedure. The worst part is that I'll be driving back home in the middle of traffic and because I switched shifts I'll have to work a 12 hour shift on Friday. Not looking forward to that but gotta do what I gotta do. In other news, today didn't start off too well. I found out that a fellow cancer fi...

Sometimes I think I should just go home. I don't feel like I belong out here. My life here is a very lonely one and I'm just not used to the quietness. I think I can count my close friends out here with one hand but still, most days are spent at work or home with Cruz. It's not for lack of trying but I guess I'm just at a different point in my life than most people. People don't want to be reminded of their own mortality and I think people may be uncomfortable with how realistic I am about my diagnosis. For me, I just find it to be educational because most people don't understand the meaning of a Stage IV diagnosis. I find that I always have to reiterate the fact that it's INCURABLE. It's true that I don't look sick. It's true that my hair is growing back. It's true that I don't need systemic chemo at this moment but I'm still taking medication. Getting an IV infusion of monoclonal antibodies every three weeks isn't a minor thin...

Trying to make changes in my life recently. Obviously the stress is taking a toll on me but I'm trying really hard to keep going. I think I'm realizing that I don't want to reach out to people anymore. I still feel alone and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I don't want to make the first move anymore. It's just me and Cruz most days. I'm also trying to relax more on my days off. Today was one of those days. There are so many errands that I should have done today but instead I chose to just stay home, relax under the covers and take a nap. I feel like I'm always on the move. I'm always doing something and I have to just slow down and take care of myself. After all, my archangel is looking after me and I should do the same. I do have to get my Christmas shopping done though. This year I'm going small and just buying presents for the kids and that's even a stretch but I love my nieces and nephew and I'd like to get them at least...

I have to share this story with you today because it made me feel really g ood. I walked into my patient's room today to check his blood sugar at lunchtime and his caregiver is in the room visiting him. The doctor was talking to my patient when all of a sudden his caregiver turns to me and says "I'm sorry but I have to tell you that a spirit, this energy, just walked into the room with you. It's taking up this whole room." Both the doctor and my patient stopped talking and they turned to the caregiver who went on to say that the energy was a positive one and it was lighting up the room around me; protecting me. My patient then told me that I should believe him because his caregiver has the gift of being able to sense spirits.  If you know me, then you know I absolutely believe in ghosts, spirits and basically anything spiritual. When the caregiver told me this today it made me feel that maybe God really is protecting me during this difficult time. Whether it be ...

Thanksgiving week is finally over. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for so many things right now, especially my recent NED scans but it has been a stressful week. Cruz had the whole week off from school and trying to figure out daycare was not fun. He's actually happy to be back to school tomorrow. I think he gets bored easily and he enjoys seeing his friends at school. I wasn't able to go home for the holidays either because I had to work. Cruz and I ended up having our own little Thanksgiving dinner on my day off the day before Thanksgiving. We spent this weekend cleaning, putting up the Christmas tree and just being lazy watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. And to top off the week, Cruz was sick the whole weekend beginning on Thanksgiving Day. He's feeling better now and I'm glad this was my weekend off from work.  Two years ago I wasn't sure if I would still be here watching Cruz grow up and enjoying the holidays but I am so happy that I can still ...

After receiving such great news I should be happy. I should be over the moon happy but instead I feel kind of numb. Obviously I'm grateful that I am still NED. Gives me hope that I will be here to see my grandchildren one day. Unfortunately I'm letting all this happiness be overshadowed by stupid shit. I'm really worried about my financial situation. I'm running out of savings and I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck right now. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue on like this. The bills are taking a toll on me. If I didn't have the medical bills everything would be manageable.  I'm also angry that I'm doing this alone. I mean, I know I can do it alone but I shouldn't have to. Am I being played? I don't know. I hope not because I'm tired of being hurt. Seems to happen to me on a regular basis but I guess it's my own fault for allowing it. And then there's work. I love being a nurse but I don't want to go work in ...

I feel so tired today. Just came off 3 days of work and have today off but I go back to work tomorrow. I have so many appointments coming up and I'm trying to re-arrange work around my doctor's appointments but I'm not getting much support this time around. It's so draining to worry about things I can't control. I try not to but it's so difficult. I wish things were easier but they're not. I think I'm going to try and just relax today even though there's so many things I have to do. I have to buy groceries, clean, get my oil changed in my car, get new tires, cook, etc. I'm so exhausted. I also don't know how I'm going to afford new tires since I still can't figure out how I'm going to pay my latest medical bill. I'm stressed that I'm stressed! Tough times. And my stupid scan is coming up real soon. I'm not gonna give you an exact date because I don't want others to worry about it until after it's done. I'...

I really like her new song. Music is a great distraction but sometimes it's too close to home. I'm stressing too much though. Too many things going on and a scan coming up. Makes my liver hurt. Damn cancer.

I need a vacation so bad. The stress is becoming overwhelming but I'm trying to relax on my days off from work. I love being a nurse but I think the people you work with really make a difference and it's hard when someone doesn't support you. Practically all of my coworkers have been supportive of me throughout this shitty diagnosis but all it takes is one person.... I want to feel comfortable going to work. I don't want my panic attacks to come back because of all this stress. I feel like passing out pamphlets of information regarding metastatic breast cancer so people can understand that my immune system sucks now so I WILL get sick. And guess what else? I have doctors appointments. Lots of them. And it's INCURABLE, which means this is not going to just go away.  You know, I get up every morning. I go to work, I take care of Cruz, I go to doctors appointments, I get my infusions, I see a therapist, I clean my house, I run errands, I live my life. Every once in...

I can't believe it's November already! Time keeps flying by. On November 4, 2012 I received my last dose of Taxol and started my maintenance therapy for my cancer. I have been on maintenance therapy for two years and have been NED for two years. I am so grateful for this. To be honest, I wasn't so sure if I would make it this far. Statistics say the survival rate for my diagnosis is 2 years. Can you believe that? Two years. That's definitely not enough time. Cruz needs me. Kids need their Mami's. I'm so happy that I'm still here watching him grow up.  I have a scan coming up and I'm hoping that my maintenance therapy is still working. These medications better still be working because I'm not risking my heart for nothing. My medications can cause heart failure so it better be worth it. I should celebrate, shouldn't I? This is a milestone. I've surpassed the two year survival rate and I hope for many more years to come my way. But who will ce...

I was sick for almost a week. First Cruz and then me. I had the biggest headache for 2 days that made it even worse. It finally went away after I took a nap yesterday. I hate headaches. It always makes me think I have a brain tumor which is what happened Friday night. My headache was so bad that I was sure I had a brain tumor and that if I fell asleep I would die. So, I stayed awake as long as I could. I fought off sleep until my body was so exhausted I passed out. I haven't had a brain MRI in awhile and sometimes I think I should request one from my oncologist but I'm scared. I want to know but I don't want to know. I think I'm fine but I don't know for sure. My situation could change in the blink of an eye and that's scary to think about. My liver has also been hurting again. And my shoulder. I feel like one of those old people that has like 100 ailments and I'm only in my 30's. This isn't supposed to be happening....but it is. Next, I'll be ob...

Have you ever had that feeling like you don't belong? That's the way I'm feeling now. I've always been a shy person. I'm more of an introvert but when you get to know me, you realize that I'm not too quiet. All through elementary, junior high and high school I was pretty quiet and rarely talked but I did have a few close friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. I'm definitely more open now than in the past. I'm sure they would agree. To those few friends, I want to say thank you for sticking by me. When I went to college I was definitely even more open but I definitely wasn't the "partier" of the school. I wanted that experience and I managed to go through some crazy things with the friends I did have in college but once again I wasn't considered one of the most outgoing and popular kids on campus. I made a few friends in nursing school but the ones I considered close friends quickly faded away. I understand that life happen...

I feel exhausted. It's like I can never catch up on rest no matter what I do. After work I am so tired that I spend most of the evening trying not to fall asleep so that I can hopefully sleep during the night. It doesn't work. I still end up waking up at least 3 times during the night and then I have to get up and go to work. My days off are spent going to doctors appointments, running errands and being a mom. Being a mom is the never-ending full time job. I love being a mom and despite being tired I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also love being a nurse but to be honest I just don't feel supported at work. I'm feeling pressured. I don't like the politics of my workplace and I don't like feeling like I'm not allowed to be sick. I know that I look healthy but I AM NOT! I don't think they'll ever understand this concept until I look sick. They just want to work me for all they can get out of me. At the beginning of my diagnosis they were good t...

I came across this picture the other day and I can't help but think how terrible I look. I'm bald and wearing my wig. I barely have any eyebrows left and this was before I learned how to use makeup to make faux eyebrows. My face is super puffy from the steroids (actually my whole body was puffy due to slowly gaining weight from the stupid treatment) and it's splotchy. My chemo treatment caused my skin to get some noticeable discoloration plus I had acne-like rashes on my scalp, hands and face. At this time I felt completely unattractive and sometimes I still do. Cancer has changed my whole life. I felt like shit and I looked like shit. Yet, I made it through it but I still feel like shit.  I'm actually really frustrated. I feel like I tried my best to continue on with life during treatment. I never missed a day of work while I was on chemo and now that I'm actually taking the time to take care of myself I feel like I'm getting punished. And when I think ba...