reflections

I'm giving all of you a homework assignment. Girls check your boobs the next time you're in the shower or make that yearly doctors appointment. If you're over 40 go get that mammogram. (I still think they should lower the age for mammograms cuz I wasn't even close to 40 when I was diagnosed). Men, go check out your wife/girlfriends boobs (you know you like to do it anyway). Or encourage them to make that appointment with their doctor. Better to catch it early. Thank you and I'll update you soon. Love, Catalina

These past few days have been really tough. I feel devastated and numb at the same time. My aunt passed away yesterday and yes, she died of breast cancer. Her immune system was just too weak and her liver started failing. Add pneumonia on top of that and her body just couldn't take it. I'm happy that I got to see her and hug her one last time this past Sunday. I'm also happy that she's not in pain anymore. To be honest, this also kind of scares me. So far I have been in good health for a year and a half but seeing my aunt in that hospital bed felt like I was having a glimpse of my future. Although most people fail to acknowledge this, eventually my medications will stop working and I'll start the painful road of switching medications constantly as the cancer starts to outsmart the drugs.  Hopefully it doesn't happen for a long time but I have accepted the fact that one day it will happen.  I know that I often don't show my true feelings about my diagnosis

I had such a great weekend and I wish every day was just like this. Being around family is the best. Cruz always has such a good time playing with his cousins and I wish they could hang out more often. Being close to family provides the emotional support that we don't really have out here which is important when thinking about Cruz's future. I only want what's best for him because he means the world to me. I want him to have good family values so that he grows up to be a good father and husband someday. I don't want him to think that women are expendable. Is that too much to ask? I want him to have respect for the woman he marries someday and doesn't walk away when a difficult situation arises. Sometimes I even feel like I should start going back to church. I'm still thinking about that one though? We'll see. This weekend I also got to hang out with my cousins that I haven't been able to see for awhile. We were so close when we were little but then we

Single mom's are definitely "The Man". :) Love, A Single Mom

Please God help me get through these difficult times and not let anyone bring me down. Help me be strong for Cruz and give me guidance over what I should do about being closer to my family. Help me be here for Cruz for a long time as I am the only positive influence in his life at the moment and the only one who takes care of him. May only positive energy enter my home so that Cruz and I can enjoy our time together as I watch him grow up. Please stand by my side and give me strength over the next month as I have some very important days coming up that will affect mine and Cruz's life forever. Please help me win this fight as it is the best thing for Cruz. And please shine your light onto someone close to me and let some compassion enter his heart. Help me learn to forgive. Also, please take care of my sister and let her see the light so that she may fight for her survival in the best interest of her daughter. Amen. 

I'm starting to believe that I'm way too naive and trusting of others. It's definitely not helping my stress levels either. I need to stay calm and stress free which means that I need to make some changes again. I need to remove toxic and negative people from my life which in some cases it's going to be very difficult. I also need to start exercising again to raise those endorphin levels. Right? Not fun but ultimately necessary. I wish I could take a week off of work but unfortunately it's not that easy when you're a single mom with only one income to work with. I would love to stay home with Cruz during Spring Break next week but I can't. :( I have to finish my ACLS class and work. It would be nice to have some help but unfortunately I only have myself to depend on out here since my family lives far away. In a way I feel really lonely out here with no family around.  Sometimes I wish I could move closer to my family. I know that eventually I will have to

People keep telling me that I'm brave and strong and I truly wish that I can agree with those statements but in the end I'm still just a scared little girl that doesn't want to die yet. I'll gladly tell you that I'm scared of death. I'm scared of the unknown. I'd like to believe that there's a Heaven and an afterlife but I really don't know. Have any of you read the book Lovely Bones? (And I mean read the book not watched the movie; it really does make a difference). In the book everyone has their own heaven and in a way that does sound appealing. In my own Heaven I want to have all my loved ones with me. Unfortunately that may not be what they want but at least they could visit me, right? I guess I just wish I was absolutely sure that an afterlife exists. Would I want to be re-incarnated? Maybe, but hopefully I live a good life without all this bad luck. At this point in my life I think I have been a little naive and too trusting of other people&#

First I want to say that I'm sick again. That's right, again! I didn't even last a week before getting sick again. I spent my two days off with a runny nose, aching bones and NO sleep. Now, I'm losing my voice again. Oh well, at least the body aches are gone. I also spent one of my days off at UCSF getting my Herceptin and Perjeta infusion. The Benadryl actually helped me get some sleep though and allowed me to breathe through my nose for a few hours. I had to go to work today but don't worry, I wore a mask so I wouldn't spread my germs to all my patients. Now, I'm looking forward to my 3 day weekend. All I have to do tomorrow is go to a stroke update class and then the weekend is mine to enjoy. On Saturday Cruz will play in his first baseball game and he's so excited. So am I! I'll definitely be taking lots of pics. Speaking of pics, I managed to get some pics of the nurse accessing my port yesterday. It's kind of hard to see but we did the be

The past two years I feel like I can't finish anything. I can't finish school, I stopped following my favorite shows and I even stopped reading. I used to read all the time. I would finish books in one day if I really liked them. The problem is that I haven't stopped buying books either. I just can't give up a good Kindle deal and the occasional hard copy. I always tell myself that I will read them but the books just keep stacking up. I think I'm going to make the effort to actually read my books. The shows I'm not too worried about but school is my other problem. I really need to just do it because I only have 4 units left to finish but they're the MOST IMPORTANT units. I have to finish my residency and complete a research paper/project. I just don't feel smart enough to do it anymore.  Chemo has really affected my memory. I used to be really good at remembering faces and names but now I have such a hard time with that. I also feel that my attention s