reflections

For the first time in a long time I'm letting myself believe that everything will be okay. I've been showing NED for quite awhile and I'm enjoying thinking about the future. At the same time, I'm still trying to hold back a little. It kind of feels like I don't want to jinx myself but I know that I should enjoy this amazing news so I'm going to try really hard to do so. I have a follow-up appointment with my oncologist on Wednesday to go over my results and treatment plan in person. I'm a little nervous that they're going to make my scans further apart now because I've been doing so well. I like being closely monitored so that we can catch a recurrence ASAP but I also recognize that all this radiation isn't exactly good for me. My infusions won't change though because as long as it's working I think my doctors will keep going with it and I'm okay with that. The only thing I hate about this medication is that it makes my nails, hair

So, I had my PET-CT scan today and I have to say that despite the delays this was the most relaxing scan I've ever had thanks to my 1mg of Ativan. As usual, I changed into my lovely hospital attire and waited for them to start my IV. I never let them use my port to inject the radioactive isotope or the contrast dye because sometimes it can clog the port. I notice that the nurse is about to open a tegaderm package and I politely tell him that I'm allergic to tegaderm so he uses gauze and tape instead which made for a lovely IV. I then had to wait an entire hour to get injected with the isotope because apparently they were all delivered late that morning plus the machine was acting up and they weren't sure I was going to be able to have the scan that day. Thank God, the machine was fixed and I was injected with the isotope and also 20mg Lasix which I had never had before for the scan. Obviously I asked them "why the Lasix" and they said because it gives them a

So much is on my mind this week and I am trying really hard not to let it overwhelm me too much. My scan is coming up. Enough said. I am so nervous but I am trying really hard to stay positive. I like how positive the people around me are about my situation because in a way it keeps me balanced. I tend to be matter of fact about it and I don't like to get my hopes up too much because I don't want to be disappointed. I also have an echo the same day as my scan to make sure my heart is still handling all these toxic medications well. And on top of that I have an infusion as well. This is how I spend my time off. Not exactly how I would choose to spend it but hey I can make it work. I've been feeling so exhausted lately though and it scares me to think that the cancer's coming back. That was the only symptom I felt before I was diagnosed. I went to the doctor several times to tell them about my fatigue and every single time they said I was fine. Doctors think that just

This is Cruz's favorite song for now. He says the ending is sad because no one should have to die of cancer. He even tries to sing it in the car. :)

When people find out that I have breast cancer, they often ask if I've had a mastectomy. The answer is no. When I found out I had breast cancer back in April of 2012 I was absolutely ready to have a double mastectomy. I had no reservations about it because after all what are boobs compared to my life with Cruz. Unfortunately as the days passed by and I got more test results the option of a mastectomy disappeared. You see, a mastectomy helps prevent the disease from spreading and my cancer had already spread so a mastectomy would only truly be for peace of mind in my case. I had 3 tumors in my right breast, the biggest being 7cm, and those who know me know that I'm not as well endowed as my sisters. My C cups meant that my tumors took up practically my whole breast. This meant that I had to have chemotherapy first before any surgery consideration. So, that's what I did. 6 months of chemo once a week to shrink my tumors. After all of that the two smaller tumors disappeare

A new year means new beginnings. So many things have changed in the last two years and I'm ready for some stability and some excitement too. I'm starting with re-decorating my house. I know it sounds minor but I have to get rid of all the negativity that came with the old furniture. The only furniture I kept was the bedroom furniture because I bought that. With the living room and kitchen I'm starting from scratch. I even got new dishes. I'm excited to see what the house will look like after it's all done. The house is actually the easy part. The other negative parts of my life are a little more difficult. One of them being this stupid breast cancer that God decided I was strong enough for.  I'm really nervous about my upcoming scan because of all the stress that I've been under the past several months. Stress is definitely not good for cancer cells and I'm trying my hardest not to let anyone stress me out. It is getting easier to tune it out though. I

The past two years have been the worst years of my life. I have been through so many hardships that I have to believe 2014 will be better. I am hoping that this year will be one of the best years of my life in order to make up for all the crap I have been through. I have a scan coming up and I'm praying that I still show No Evidence of Disease. That would be one of the first of many awesome things to happen for me. There are many other wishes I have but there are just too many to list them all. For now, I'll keep praying for my health because I've had a lot of pain on my left side right under my arm in my ribs that radiates to my back. It really scares me to think that my cancer's back in my bones or lungs. I've already talked to my doctors but every one of them thinks it's nothing. I guess we'll see when I have the scan. A whole new year is starting with an opportunity for new beginnings. Starting with my house. I'm getting rid of the