reflections

My fear o f dying in my sleep has returned with a vengeance. I first felt it when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2012. I got it under control for a few years when I accepted my problem and started taking Lexapro which is an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It was a side effect of my clinical trial chemotherapy medication, all of us on the trial developed panic attacks. But recently it's gotten bad again. I'm so scared of falling asleep that my body fights it. I stay up most of the night and fall asleep at random times. I end up waking up in a major panic. It's a terrible feeling. And my acid reflux has gotten so bad that I end up throwing up. I don't even want to eat anymore because I hate nausea and vomiting. My nurses were worried about me at my last infusion cuz they felt I was disoriented from Ativan but to be honest I was just so fucking tired. I hadn't slept very much in days but going to my chemo infusions make me feel safe because I'm around medi

I've been having a really tough time this week. One of my good friends died and I'm struggling. Our other friend died a couple of months ago so losing another friend in such a short time has affected me. All I've been doing is crying. I'm so dehydrated. I can't even eat which is probably a good thing since I've gained weight recently. Plus, my sister died in December. I thought I could handle all this death around me but I'm starting to think that maybe I can't but the thing is...I have no choice. Death is going to continue to happen because I've entered this new world where death happens all the time. I have Stage 4 fucking cancer and yes...my friends are going to die and it's not fucking fair.  I've decided I'm going to her funeral. I need to say goodbye. I miss her and my other friend so much already. Plus, I feel guilty. Why are they gone and I'm still here? We have the same disease. Why do some of us live longer? I don't ge