reflections

I feel like I have to post a pic of how I looked like with hair. I don't want to be remembered as the bald cancer girl. My hair is usually curly. I straightened it for this picture. I miss my hair. :( Me with curly hair. :)

I had my first radiation treatment today. I was kind of nervous because I wasn’t sure what to expect but it was ok. I had the CT simulation last week and that’s when I got my radiation tattoos. I have six little dot tattoos on my chest which they use to line you up with the radiation machine. It didn’t hurt when they put them on and after getting two actual tattoos in the past, the dots were a piece of cake to get. You can barely even see them. The actual radiation treatment only takes about a minute. It takes longer just to get set up. I’m not looking forward to the side effects though. The main side effects the nurse went over with me today were fatigue and skin irritation. I still remember the fatigue from chemo and I just don’t want to feel that way again especially with a 7 year old. I also hope my skin doesn’t get too irritated but I have seen pictures and it doesn’t look pretty. It looks like a really bad sunburn. I’m also not supposed to wear anything scented and I have to

Hair is important to many women and when you don’t have it; it can be pretty traumatic. I really miss having my long hair. I used to have long, curly hair. I could wear it curly or I could straighten it for a different look. People complimented me on my hair and it felt good. Unfortunately my hair fell out while I was on chemo. It fell out slowly. Every time I took a shower and combed my hair it would come out. It wasn’t noticeable but I didn’t want it to get to the point where I had bald spots and it was getting ridiculous trying to keep the shower from getting clogged so I decided to cut my hair short. I got a lovely short haircut from a friend but soon that wasn’t enough. Chemo was starting to make my head break out in a painful pimple-like rash and it hurt to wash my head. I then just had it shaved instead. I hated watching my hair fall out. Eventually I was bald without having to shave my head. The worst was when my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. That really made me cry.

I have had a very rough weekend. Spending time with family was great but I felt like I was putting on a brave face for everybody when really all I wanted to do was cry which was what I did after I got home from a birthday dinner with a friend. My birthdays are supposed to be fun and a time of celebration but for the past two years they have been kind of awful. Last year I was in the middle of chemo and this year I’m going through a breakup (and I’m sick). I know that we aren’t meant to be together and that it’s best for us to be apart but it still hurts to know that he already moved on so quickly. To know that he’s already dating is kind of breaking my heart. It makes me wonder if he ever really cared about me. For me, the thought of dating isn’t even something that comes to mind so soon. I wouldn’t even know how to date. Is this a gender thing, do guys just move on quickly? I don’t know. Did I mention that we’re also still living together? Yeah, I know but he needs time to find

I recently had a consultation with a radiation oncologist and it looks like I will be starting radiation within the next two weeks. On Thursday I have the simulation and radiation should start a week after that. I was really going back and forth whether I should do radiation. I feel like I’ve already had so much radiation pumped into my body with each PET-CT scan, mammogram, MRI, and x-ray. It’s probably enough radiation to start up another type of cancer. Not to mention toxic chemotherapy. I started to question whether I really wanted to do that to my body but after thinking about it I realized that I have to make sure I do everything I can to be around for my son. I need to be here for him for a long time. The pros in this situation kind of outweigh the cons. Kind of nervous though because I don’t know how it’s going to affect me. I had the same feelings when I was going to start chemo. I thought I would be home throwing up and feeling miserable like they show in the movies and

All I can say is WOW. GOD, please send me some good luck and strength.

So, I am feeling much better today and have decided to delete my last post. It was written in a moment of emotional weakness. Although I am still upset and feeling brokenhearted I want to keep things amicable. I also still wish I could get away on a mini vacation with my son. Really need to be stress free. In other news I got my new license in the mail with my new picture. I really miss my hair. Maybe next time I’ll post pics of me bald. You could see before, during and after pictures.

How exactly does that work? I’ve been in a somewhat one-sided relationship for the past 11 years and it’s recently officially come to an end (Yes, I can hear all the “I told you so’s”). I’m relieved and sad at the same time. It took up a large part of my life and I got one awesome son out of the whole deal. If I had to do it over again I would (except for maybe the last 6 years). Sad I know. I think it was pretty much over when my son was about 3 ½ months old but you stay because you had just gone through a life and death situation, so you’re vulnerable and you have a child together. I wouldn’t say the times were all bad but when someone doesn’t love you, it’s time to move on. I’m definitely not ready to date (although apparently he had a date lined up the moment it was declared over) but if it does happen I don’t know what the rules are. How soon do you tell someone you have Stage IV breast cancer? Do you tell them the significance of that diagnosis? Is it even fair to date know

I have driven to the city 3 days this week in order to go to 4 appointments. I am basically done with the gynecologist oncologist since all of that came back normal. Yay! One less oncologist! I only have to see her if my remaining ovary starts causing me any problems (which it better not; I only have one left and I don’t want to be thrown into menopause at my age).  Menopause sucks! I was thrown into temporary menopause during chemo and hot flashes suck! Combine that with the rollercoaster of emotions due to steroids and you can have one bitchy lady. I also had appointments with my breast oncologist and breast surgeon. Everything seems to be healing well on that end as well. The only question now is whether I should do radiation on my breast. On Wednesday my oncology nurse practitioner said that she didn’t think I needed it but on Friday my breast surgeon said that I should do it. My doctors really need to speak to each other and talk about this before giving me confusing opinions