Mindfuck

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I came across this picture the other day and I can't help but think how terrible I look. I'm bald and wearing my wig. I barely have any eyebrows left and this was before I learned how to use makeup to make faux eyebrows. My face is super puffy from the steroids (actually my whole body was puffy due to slowly gaining weight from the stupid treatment) and it's splotchy. My chemo treatment caused my skin to get some noticeable discoloration plus I had acne-like rashes on my scalp, hands and face. At this time I felt completely unattractive and sometimes I still do. Cancer has changed my whole life. I felt like shit and I looked like shit. Yet, I made it through it but I still feel like shit. 

 I'm actually really frustrated. I feel like I tried my best to continue on with life during treatment. I never missed a day of work while I was on chemo and now that I'm actually taking the time to take care of myself I feel like I'm getting punished. And when I think back on it, it makes me angry that very few of my friends actually came to visit me when I needed them most. Cancer isn't contagious. I'm sorry if all of this sounds harsh but seriously, if I had a friend who was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, I would definitely be there every step of the way. And guess what? Just because my scans are stable and I'm currently not on "chemo" doesn't mean I don't need my friends. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I even have any. 

 I may not be on chemo but I still have to get monoclonal antibody infusions every three weeks i.e. Herceptin/Perjeta. This medication is a targeted therapy for my specific cancer and is currently keeping my cancer at bay but it could stop working any moment. I have to get scans and echos every 3 months. I see my oncologist every 9 weeks. I get my tumor markers checked every 9 weeks. I try to see a psychiatrist and therapist as often as I can. Do you know what all of this does to me? It's a mindfuck and this is the time when I need friends the most. How many times do I have to say it before someone listens? 

 I need more friends nearby that know exactly what I'm going through. I don't want to feel like I don't fit in anymore. I wish my Mets Sisters lived closer to me. Ok, rant over. I just needed to get this all out. 

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