So Tired

-
Why does growing up still feel like high school? It feels like no matter how old you get you still encounter the same issues. I feel like I'm always going to be the girl on the outside looking in. Even at my age I don't feel like I belong with the other mothers from school. There are only a few that I feel like truly make the effort with me and I feel comfortable hanging out with and asking for help. Maybe I'm just not "friend" material especially now that I have Stage IV cancer. Not sure if maybe my situation scares people or if I'm truly not like-able. I get it that I have a fucked up life right now not including cancer but still...everyone should have someone they can talk to. I used to try to make friends with other people in my neighborhood but I guess I'm not too good at it. I guess I have to get comfortable with being alone. Maybe I'm just too sensitive...I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of trying. Making friends shouldn't be so difficult. My body and mind are so exhausted. I don't want to beg people to spend time with me anymore. 

 To top it off, we're going through another round of deaths in my cancer support groups and it's all so hard to take. I can't help but think that it's going to be me someday soon making arrangements for hospice and my funeral. Is anyone even going to care other than my family? I don't know. I'm just so sad and exhausted this week. All I want to do is sleep but sleep won't come on a consistent basis and I'm tired of crying myself to sleep when I do sleep. I'm tired of putting on the smile in order to make everyone else feel comfortable. I'm just tired...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Adventures with Blood Thinners

-
Image
About a year ago on September 12, 2012 I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism (PE) which is a blood clot in the lung. I had absolutely none of the classic symptoms of a PE. Instead my blood clot was found during one of my routine PET-CT scans to check on the progress of my cancer. For some reason people with cancer have a tendency to develop blood clots and I just happened to be one of the lucky ones that got one. I remember getting off the shuttle at the UCSF Parnassus campus and starting to walk to my sister’s flat when I noticed I had a voicemail. It was my nurse practitioner asking me to call her back because “it was kind of an emergency, but kind of not”. At this point I was really nervous thinking that maybe the cancer had spread instead of getting smaller so I called her back. She then told me that I had to go to the Emergency Room to start a regimen of blood thinners because I had a PE. My Lovenox Syringe So, I went to the ER where they gave me my first shot of Lo
Read more

Sticks and Stones

-
Image
Recently I’ve learned a lot of things about people in my life and I am trying to make an effort to keep away from negativity. Negativity stresses me out and stress is the last thing I need. Someone recently tried to say that karma is the reason I have cancer which left me kind of in shock. I’ll admit I’m not perfect but I definitely don’t think I or anyone deserves cancer. If that’s the way karma worked then why do so many great people get sick and die young, while many evil ones get to live well into old age? The comment made me very upset at the time but now I realize that I have to make an effort not to let negativity like that get me down. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. Maybe they didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did or at least that’s what I’m hoping, but the lesson here is to really think about your words before they come out of your mouth. Another example is talking about how you know someone that died of cancer to someone that has cancer. Altho
Read more

Hair Stylings

-
Image
Hair is important to many women and when you don’t have it; it can be pretty traumatic. I really miss having my long hair. I used to have long, curly hair. I could wear it curly or I could straighten it for a different look. People complimented me on my hair and it felt good. Unfortunately my hair fell out while I was on chemo. It fell out slowly. Every time I took a shower and combed my hair it would come out. It wasn’t noticeable but I didn’t want it to get to the point where I had bald spots and it was getting ridiculous trying to keep the shower from getting clogged so I decided to cut my hair short. I got a lovely short haircut from a friend but soon that wasn’t enough. Chemo was starting to make my head break out in a painful pimple-like rash and it hurt to wash my head. I then just had it shaved instead. I hated watching my hair fall out. Eventually I was bald without having to shave my head. The worst was when my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out. That really made me cry.
Read more