Sleep sucks

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My fear of dying in my sleep has returned with a vengeance. I first felt it when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2012. I got it under control for a few years when I accepted my problem and started taking Lexapro which is an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It was a side effect of my clinical trial chemotherapy medication, all of us on the trial developed panic attacks. But recently it's gotten bad again. I'm so scared of falling asleep that my body fights it. I stay up most of the night and fall asleep at random times. I end up waking up in a major panic. It's a terrible feeling. And my acid reflux has gotten so bad that I end up throwing up. I don't even want to eat anymore because I hate nausea and vomiting. My nurses were worried about me at my last infusion cuz they felt I was disoriented from Ativan but to be honest I was just so fucking tired. I hadn't slept very much in days but going to my chemo infusions make me feel safe because I'm around medical professionals so if I go into cardiac arrest they know what to do. It sounds crazy, I know. I was so tired that I completely passed out. I let myself go.

 Cruz and I need to go to therapy. I found someone that specializes in chronic disease. I loved going to therapy before because she made me realize that I wasn't the one that was crazy. Going through an illness sucks and it's worse when the love of your life doesn't support you emotionally and basically tells you you're a drama queen and tells you you're exaggerating your illness. Stage 4 cancer is a fucking big deal! The doctors basically told me I had two years to live and just because I'm still alive after 6 years doesn't mean that I'm ok. I feel like shit! I may look ok but I'm not. I want to feel normal. I want to feel good. I want my kid not to believe that his mom having cancer is normal. His only memories of me have been of me being sick. That's just not right. Things have just absolutely sucked since last October but it's going to get better. It has to. Cruz and I are going to make it out of this distress. We're strong. We can do it.

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