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April Cancerversary and Philadelphia

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Sometime this morning: I'm sitting here in the infusion center at the moment getting my chemo drugs and also starting to feel really sleepy from the Benadryl. Being on Benadryl is such a weird feeling because I'm so sleepy but I try to fight it until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I think it's because I'm still afraid to fall asleep and not wake up. It's an irrational thought, I know. Plus, it's April...my Cancerversary month. 6 years ago in the month of April I found out I had Metastatic breast cancer. I found the tumor on April 6, went to the doctor on April 9, got an ultrasound and mammogram April 10, biopsy on April 11, told I had HER2+ breast cancer on April 12, PET scan and bone scan April 26, and found out it had already spread to my liver on April 27. The only date I can't remember is the day I had the breast MRI to get an accurate size of the tumor. Turns out I had 3 tumors in my right breast measuring 7cm, 3cm and 1cm. I also had 2 lesions on...
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My Life Now

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It's been a lazy day today. Other than going to Costco for groceries and gas I've just been watching movies. I managed to sneak in working out for 40 minutes which was difficult but so worth it because I had intended to go on a hike today but opted to sleep in with the love of my life even though he did a bad job on Mother's Day. Why do so many guys need so much prompting for special occasions? I even had to remind Cruz yesterday that it was Mother's Day. I wasn't looking for much...I at least wanted a home made card but instead I got myself a red velvet cupcake from Sift and ate it for breakfast today. I know...not healthy, but it was for Mother's Day...I mean, I almost died giving birth for God's sake. And now I have Stage 4 cancer and am still working...I deserve a cupcake. And Cruz decided to walk to Starbucks to get me a white mocha, my favorite.  But anyway, I watched the movie Me Before You earlier today and I think I cried for half the movie. The...
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Struggling

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I've been having a really tough time this week. One of my good friends died and I'm struggling. Our other friend died a couple of months ago so losing another friend in such a short time has affected me. All I've been doing is crying. I'm so dehydrated. I can't even eat which is probably a good thing since I've gained weight recently. Plus, my sister died in December. I thought I could handle all this death around me but I'm starting to think that maybe I can't but the thing is...I have no choice. Death is going to continue to happen because I've entered this new world where death happens all the time. I have Stage 4 fucking cancer and yes...my friends are going to die and it's not fucking fair.  I've decided I'm going to her funeral. I need to say goodbye. I miss her and my other friend so much already. Plus, I feel guilty. Why are they gone and I'm still here? We have the same disease. Why do some of us live longer? I don't ge...
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