Busy Day

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I had my infusion this morning and I am so tired! I kept falling asleep on and off the whole day. I think I only ate once because I couldn't keep my eyes open. Today was the first day that I had IV Benadryl push instead of in a piggyback IV and I have to say that I think I felt it more. Most people don't need Benadryl for Herceptin or Perjeta but I get a crazy itching that I can't stand and the Benadryl helps. I'll take the itching and Benadryl over cancer any day. Today was also my first day back at the main infusion center at UCSF. I don't like it there. It doesn't feel as personal but they closed the overflow wing which is where I loved to go because they had only two patients to a room and it felt more intimate. The infusion center I went to today has 4 people to a room and it's so crowded and noisy. Plus, I was sitting next to a grumpy old man that was complaining about everything. He started yelling because someone answered their cell phone. She wasn't even talking loud. She was practically whispering. 

 One thing I'm learning from having this stupid disease is not to sweat the small stuff. If I get angry I try not to hold grudges anymore. It really doesn't help. I'm trying my best to let things go and move on from disagreements because in the end who fucking cares. It's not gonna help me at all to be angry for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean I'm perfect though but I'm working on it. At the same time I think I'm starting to shrink back into my bubble. For awhile there I was putting myself out there trying to make new friends and possible new relationships but I'm so tired of the rejection that I'm starting to retreat. Is it better to be alone than surrounded by people that don't really want to be your friend? I don't know. It makes me sad but I guess that's life, right? Maybe people don't want to be reminded of their own mortality. I'm a constant reminder that death can strike at any time and any age. I just wish my old friends would actually reach out to me once in awhile instead of pretending I don't exist. I know people change but come on.

 I think I need to see my therapist again soon. It always makes me feel so much better to talk about things with her. Every once in awhile we all need a mental health break. I just don't want to get so overwhelmed that my panic attacks come back and I feel like I'm getting close to that point. There's just too much on my mind with all this cancer shit running through my mind every day. Especially with so many people I know having progression with their cancer. It scares me because one day they're fine and the next BAM! progression. New spots. I hate cancer! I also feel guilty because I've been doing so well for 3 years now. It's a MINDFUCK! I can't even say I want my old life back because in some ways it's better now. I guess I just want to feel normal and worry about normal problems. Whatever that means...

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