Death

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As more and more of my friends die and transition to the next step in life I can't help but wonder what it's like. Am I going to be in pain? What's on the other side? Will I be completely gone? Have you read the book Lovely Bones? Will it be like that? Will I have my own heaven and be able to watch Cruz grow up from heaven? Or will I completely forget about my life from earth in order to make the transition easier? Will I be reincarnated and if so, what or who will I be? There are so many questions.

 I hope that death isn't the end of it all. I also don't want to be in pain. I think that's what scares me the most...the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but I've seen cancer patients at the end of their life...it can be painful. I also know that with the right pain medication, we can help people be as comfortable as possible but it still sucks. So many of my friends have already died and there are so many so close to death. It's overwhelming. And here I am...exhausted. Struggling to keep working even though my body is tired. I feel guilty for my messy house and not being able to cook as much as I should. I hate that my debt just keeps growing thanks to stupid medical bills that I will never be able to pay off. And I feel guilty that my treatment is working despite so many friends dying. Cancer is a BITCH! I wish it was easier...

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