Struggling

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I've been having a really tough time this week. One of my good friends died and I'm struggling. Our other friend died a couple of months ago so losing another friend in such a short time has affected me. All I've been doing is crying. I'm so dehydrated. I can't even eat which is probably a good thing since I've gained weight recently. Plus, my sister died in December. I thought I could handle all this death around me but I'm starting to think that maybe I can't but the thing is...I have no choice. Death is going to continue to happen because I've entered this new world where death happens all the time. I have Stage 4 fucking cancer and yes...my friends are going to die and it's not fucking fair. 

 I've decided I'm going to her funeral. I need to say goodbye. I miss her and my other friend so much already. Plus, I feel guilty. Why are they gone and I'm still here? We have the same disease. Why do some of us live longer? I don't get it. This is why there needs to be more research. We need to figure this out so people can live longer. I want my friends back. I want my sister back. 

 Too much has happened in the last several months and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I suffered from PTSD after my cancer diagnosis and now my depression has deepened. I NEED a break. I NEED something good to happen to give me hope. My saving grace is Cruz. He's what keeps me going. I need to be here for him. I need to take care of him. He only has me (well and my family) but I'm sure he prefers to have me around which is why I continue treatment for my cancer. I need my cancer treatment to keep working but I'm scared that it won't. This whole situation is scary as fuck and it's not fucking fair. I can't do this alone. 

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