Not Working Puts My Mind on Overdrive

I’ve been home from work for almost two weeks now and it has me thinking back on the last 15 months. It has been a long road and sometimes it’s hard to believe that it’s my life and not someone else’s. Nobody ever believes that they could ever get a diagnosis of cancer and I certainly didn’t believe it could ever be me. But I have learned that there is no prejudice when it comes to cancer. I’m only 32 years old and I have to deal with the uncertainty of living with an incurable disease. I live my life in 3 month increments from scan to scan. I’ve had relatively great scans since last November but any moment the ball can drop again and I’ll have to start the process of choosing a new treatment plan that comes with new side effects. Luckily the physical side effects that I have experienced so far since my diagnosis have been mild. When I was getting weekly chemo the worst side effects I experienced were peripheral neuropathy, muscle pain, fatigue and change in taste. I was lucky enough not to experience nausea but the muscle pain and neuropathy was really painful by the last few weeks of treatment due to the cumulative process of chemotherapy.

It just keeps building up in your system which means your symptoms get worse along with it. I remember crying a lot at the end because I was so tired and in pain but I still had to go to work and try to be a mom to a kindergartner. I also felt guilty for not being able to be home with him as much as I would have liked or participate in class activities. My treatment now involves getting an IV infusion of Herceptin and Perjeta which are targeted therapies for my type of breast cancer. They slow down the growth rate of the cancer cells without killing all cells in the body. The physical side effects are much easier to handle; mostly fatigue and tummy troubles. Nonetheless, having cancer is a full time job and so is being a mom; add my nursing job on top of that and it can become overwhelming.  Having cancer is also very lonely because most people cannot truly relate unless they have had it themselves. I’ve noticed that a common theme when someone gets a cancer diagnosis is that people slowly disappear out of your life. I don’t know if sometimes people can’t handle the situation but this is the time when you need people the most. If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok. Sometimes it’s enough to just have someone there to listen. And don’t offer you’re help unless you are committed 100% because it’s embarrassing getting rejected when asking for help. In a way I sometimes feel I don’t have any friends anymore and I wonder if I ever really had them. My life revolves around being a mom, work and doctor appointments.

I’m kind of sad that a lot of people I have known for a long time have phased out of my life but I have had the opportunity of meeting a lot of great new people that have rallied around me. I met a really great mom at the start of my cancer journey that was dealing with her own cancer diagnosis and she has offered me a lot of support and advice. She’s on a really rough path right now and I would like to thank her for everything that she has done for me. I’d also like to thank all the people who are helping me out the next few weeks by bringing me meals while I’m recovering from surgery. A special thanks to a new friend organizing the meal delivery and taking me to some recent appointments. I truly appreciate all the help.

 I know, this post is kind of all over the place but like I said being home has me thinking too much with not enough distraction. I guess I should give you a small update now on my progress. Overall, I’m feeling much better. The only pain I am having is where they took out the lymph nodes under my right arm. I still can’t lift my arm more than a 90 degree angle, lift anything over 5lbs or drive (which is driving me crazy). I have a follow-up appointment with a nurse in a couple of days and with my oncologist and surgeons next week. I forgot to mention that my ovary was non-cancerous and my tumor markers are all within normal range. My CA 125 (some Dr’s use it to detect ovarian cancer) was only 10; normal is below 36. My CA 15-3 (Dr’s use it to detect recurrence in breast cancer in advanced disease) was only 14; normal is below 33. And they also added a new test called Carcinoembryonic Antigen (measures the amount of protein in the blood and could be used for breast cancer as well as other cancers). My level was <0.5; normal is <3.8. So, I guess overall this is good news. Hopefully my next scan is normal and those enlarged lymph nodes were just me fighting off an infection although tumor markers aren’t 100% accurate at times. Either way I’m staying optimistic but also realistic.