My Life Now

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It's been a lazy day today. Other than going to Costco for groceries and gas I've just been watching movies. I managed to sneak in working out for 40 minutes which was difficult but so worth it because I had intended to go on a hike today but opted to sleep in with the love of my life even though he did a bad job on Mother's Day. Why do so many guys need so much prompting for special occasions? I even had to remind Cruz yesterday that it was Mother's Day. I wasn't looking for much...I at least wanted a home made card but instead I got myself a red velvet cupcake from Sift and ate it for breakfast today. I know...not healthy, but it was for Mother's Day...I mean, I almost died giving birth for God's sake. And now I have Stage 4 cancer and am still working...I deserve a cupcake. And Cruz decided to walk to Starbucks to get me a white mocha, my favorite. 

But anyway, I watched the movie Me Before You earlier today and I think I cried for half the movie. The concept of assisted suicide has been such a controversial topic for a long time but I know that if I was ever in a situation when the quality of my life was zero then I know that I would consider it. Sounds bad, I know but I don't think I want to live as a vegetable or a burden to others. I've had patients that were basically vegetables and I always feel like it's torture to keep them alive in that state. It's seriously selfish to keep them on life support. In the movie, he was a quadriplegic but still was there mentally but he was always sick, in pain and that's just not a fun way to live your life. Not sure if I would consider assisted suicide in this situation but I can understand his situation.

In my situation, I know that eventually I'm going to get to the point where I can't care for myself and I will have limited time on this earth. I will only get worse in a short period of time. That's what I've seen so far with my mets friends. One day you're fine and the next you're not. I don't want to suffer on my last days. Another thing that I got from this movie is that I wish romance in books and movies was really how it is in real life. The love that the characters felt for each other was inspiring. I'm with the love of my life now, but problems come with every relationship. I just know that we can get through them if we put the effort into it. Love is love.

The second movie I watched was Creed which is the total opposite of the first movie and it makes me hate the NFL for making me miss the Rocky steps because of the stupid draft while I was in Philadelphia a couple weeks ago. In the movie Rocky has cancer and starts chemo and they show him sick and throwing up and it makes me so grateful that so far my treatments have never made me throw up because I absolutely hate throwing up. The only side effects I've had so far are fatigue, neuropathy, PTSD, diarrhea (yes, not pretty but reality and better than constipation) but no vomiting. PTSD is really bad but I also really hate throwing up. I remember when the clinical trial I was on started causing me to have panic attacks multiple times a day (everyone on the trial developed panic attacks). It was a horrible feeling. To think you're dying multiple times a day and checking your vital signs is not a way to live. To be afraid to fall asleep for fear of not waking up to see you're child grow up is not a way to live. 

Which is why I finally accepted help and started taking Lexapro. It has helped me immensely. Most cancer patients suffer from PTSD and it sucks. Even now, sometimes I wake up after a night of nightmares in a panic and have to take Ativan to fall back asleep. Yet, I'm still able to function in this life, go to work, make a living, take care of my son and smile as if everything was ok. To be honest, my son needs me. He needs me so that he can be a good human being when I'm gone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Once you accept it, it's life changing.

Love and anxiety come hand in hand sometimes. You want love but it makes you anxious to think of the hurt it can cause at times. I'm trying and I'm learning along the way. One of my Metastatic breast cancer friends from Salt Lake City died recently. She had a popular blog called Darned Good Lemonade that I've been following for a long time. Her husband has recently started writing posts on it after her death and I feel so much sadness for him for the loss of the love of his life. I am also thankful that he has continued her journey and will follow through with her Mandi List (aka bucket list). I want that kind of love in my life. Love is Life. See you on the other side Mandi Hudson.

Comments

  1. hibiscusfireMay 15, 2017 at 10:16 PM

    thanks for sharing. hugs. - (Dr. A.W)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Denise PaulsenMay 16, 2017 at 6:42 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Denise PaulsenMay 16, 2017 at 6:57 PM

    My boys -twins now 20-yrs- used to be like this sometimes and needed prodding. That doesn't happen now - they're very respectful. As is their dad. He would be very upset if they didn't acknowledge their mother. ... boys will be boys tho and i'm quite sure your son is crazy about his mother and loves you dearly. You are so amazing, in all that you accomplish. I have so much regard for all the stage 4 women. As a collective, you are such an outstanding group of women. I followed Mandi too. As so many of us did. She was so special. Like all of you are. I can't imagine how heartbroken Mike is these days. They were so in love. And we all thought so much of her. I want to thank you for keeping us updated. And I am just so happy to read you are doing so well on this chemo drug. Much love to you from Toronto. xoxo

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